


The Needle and the Damage Done

by DreamingKate



Category: Glee
Genre: Depression, Drug Use, M/M, Rehab, Sex, Unsafe Sex, Withdrawal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-05
Updated: 2014-07-05
Packaged: 2018-02-07 14:14:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 24
Words: 44,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1902054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DreamingKate/pseuds/DreamingKate
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the breakup all Blaine wants to do it forget. In his desperation to escape his own self loathing he goes down an extremely dangerous path.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Miserable was too nice of a word to explain how Blaine felt.

  
After he had come home from New York he had been unable to escape the guilt. He was unable to eat, unable to sleep, unable to breathe without the ache deep in his chest.   
  
All of his (Kurt’s) friends had heard about what happened and avoided him like the plague. They shifted their chairs away from him in Glee and glared at him. He was shoved in the hallways and tripped, nasty insults spat at him at every turn.   
  
He had never been more lonely in his life.   
  
So now he was sitting at the bar in Scandals, trying to fill up the aching emptiness with alcohol. Tears burned in his eyes and blurred the warped wood as he sighed heavily.  
  
“You look a bit upset,” An older man, probably in his thirties, sat down next to him and waved over the bartender.   
  
“That’s an understatement,” Blaine murmured before draining the last of his drink. “Can I get another beer please?”  
  
“No, no,” The man waved him off. “Get the kid a shot, he looks like he needs one. Hell, get me one too, tequila please.”  
  
Blaine didn’t protest as the bartender filled up two shot glasses and handed them over.   
  
“To beautiful boys who don’t need to look so sad,” The man clinked their glasses together and Blaine blushed as he knocked back the shot.   
  
“That’s very nice of you to say,” He smiled, embarrassed.   
  
“Well it’s the truth,” The man put a hand on his back and rubbed it gently. “Another shot?”  
  
“I’d love one,” Blaine gave the man a quick smile and felt a warmth in his stomach when the man grinned back.   
  
“I’m Pete by the way,” The man handed him another shot.   
  
“Blaine,” He took it and drank the shot again.   
  
“What a beautiful name,” The man’s large hand gently squeezed the back of his neck. “It totally fits you.”  
  
After a few more shots Blaine was feeling much better. He could hardly think as he danced with Pete on the dance floor and didn’t resist as the older man started running his hands along his body.   
  
“Fuck you’re so hot,” The man groaned into his ear.   
  
Blaine hummed softly as Pete bit his neck and ground his hard cock into Blaine’s hips.   
  
“I want you,” He moaned and Blaine blinked back tears.   
  
God he just wanted to be wanted.   
  
“Please,” Blaine whispered into his ear, shaking slightly. “Please.”  
  
“Come on,” Pete took his hand and led him to the empty bathrooms. Blaine staggered slightly into the room but Pete caught him around the waist and slammed their lips together.   
  
“I’ve been staring at your pretty mouth all night,” Pete growled, pushing Blaine to his knees as he undid his pants. “Want to fuck your throat so hard.”  
  
“Mmm, yes,” Blaine moaned, trying to get his uncoordinated fingers to work as he tried to help pull them down. “Tell me more.”  
  
“Slutty little thing aren’t you?” The man laughed and ran his fingers through Blaine’s curly hair and pushed his fingers against his mouth moaning as Blaine sucked on them. “That’s so fucking hot. Wanna hear you choke on my cock.”  
  
“I’ll be so good for you,” Blaine felt his chest clench. “I swear.”  
  
“I know baby. You’re already being so good for me,” He took a handful of Blaine’s hair and pulled his head back as he pushed his cock into Blaine’s open mouth. “Look at you, taking cock so well. Like you were fucking made for this.”  
  
Blaine moaned around his cock, the compliments filling up some of the dark space that had been consuming him for so long. He sucked on it as Pete started moving in and out of his mouth.   
  
He dropped his jaw and leaned back as the man started thrusting harder until he was fucking his throat. Over and over again he choked and gagged on Pete’s cock until the man pulled his head as far forward as he could and came hard.   
  
Blaine fell back choking and coughing, trying to catch his breath. Pete kept running his fingers through his hair and helped pull him up.  
  
“That was so, so hot,” Pete grinned. “Need any help yourself?”  
  
“No,” Blaine shook his head as Pete reached down to palm his soft cock. “It’s fine…I…finished earlier.”  
  
“So hot,” Pete ran his fingers down his body. “Let me buy you another drink.”  
  
“I think I earned one,” Blaine laughed weakly.  
  
“I’ll say,” Pete wrapped his arm around his waist. “Come on, I wanna go back out there so everyone sees what a hot little piece I have with me.”   
  
That night Blaine collapsed into bed and sobbed. For the first time in months he felt wanted, attractive, and desirable. He knew that when he woke up he was going to feel disgusting and used but for now, he was just going to enjoy feeling wanted.   
  
He swore he wouldn’t do it again.   
  
He swore it was a one time thing, just to get it out of his system.  
  
Then Artie had run over his foot at school and hissed something that sounded a lot like ‘slut’.  
  
Blaine tore through his closet, trying to find something to wear out. For so long he had been dressing like Kurt had told him too. He passed by all the cardigans, button ups and bow ties until he got to the back of his closet and found a pair of skinny jeans, v-neck, and boots.   
  
He looked at himself in the mirror later and froze. He looked nothing like himself.  
  
That was exactly who he wanted to be, not himself.   
  
Half an hour later a random man (Jace…James…John?) has him bent over in the back of his car and was fucking into him as he moaned loudly. He was completely wasted and everything felt like it was floating as the older man grabbed his shoulder and slammed into him.   
  
“Fuck you’re tight!” The moan grunted, slamming his hips forward in almost a painful way. “Such a good slut for me.”  
  
“Mmmm yes,” Blaine moaned, shaking as the man kept fucking him.   
  
The haze of alcohol and slight pain from the man pounding into him made him completely forget about the excruciating pain of everything else.   
  
“God baby you’re amazing,” The man moaned into his back as he stilled and came. “So good.”  
  
Blaine closed his eyes tightly and took a deep breath. He winced slightly as the man pulled out.   
  
“You’re so pretty,” The man cupped his face and ran his thumbs over his cheekbones. “You take my breath away.”  
  
 _Kurt pressed their foreheads together and sighed. “You take my breath away.”_  
  
“I have to go,” Blaine felt like he had been doused in cold water and pulled up his pants before jumping out of the car.   
  
“Wait babe,” The man leaned out. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say anything to upset you. Let me get you something to eat.”  
  
“No,” Blaine shook his head and staggered towards the club, desperate to feel something besides the ache. “I gotta go.”  
  
“I see,” The man’s eyes hardened. “Going to go and find someone else to fuck? Have fun whore.”  
  
Blaine scowled at him and walked back inside. His body was shaking like crazy and he stumbled up to the bar.   
  
“Hi,” He smiled brightly at the man sitting there. “I’m Blaine.”  
  
“Well Blaine,” The man looked him up and down. “It is very, very nice to meet you. Can I get you a drink?”  
  
“A drink would be wonderful,” He sat down close to him.


	2. Chapter 2

A month went by before the alcohol and sex wasn’t enough to cover up the pain. He dropped out of glee, his grades started dropping, and he turned away from his friends.   
  
Gary was an overweight man in his mid forties that Blaine had sucked off in the bathroom of Scandals. After that he had put his number in Blaine’s phone and they met up to fuck and drink occasionally. He was not someone Blaine would ever be attracted to but he had an almost endless supply of booze. Plus, he was the complete opposite of Kurt.   
  
“Want something else?” Gary glanced back, drinking in the sight of the naked teenager lying on his bed. “You know…before round two?”  
  
“Anything,” Blaine waved at him. “Something strong.”  
  
“How about I just bring back the whole bottle of vodka?” Gary grinned.   
  
“Sure.”  
  
“Fuck I’m lucky,” Gary climbed back into the large bed after grabbing the bottle, rubbing his hand along Blaine’s ribs. “So lucky to get such a fucking hot kid like you in my bed.”  
  
Blaine took the bottle from the older man and took a long swig before handing it back. He slid down his chest and licked at Gary’s cock as he moaned.   
  
“Fuck yes,” He groaned, twisting his fingers through his hair and pulling up. “Hey baby, want something else?”  
  
“What?” Blaine blinked up at him.   
  
“Something besides the alcohol. I’ve got something stronger,” Gary cocked his head to the side.   
  
“Tequila?”  
  
“No, not tequila,” He laughed and rolled over to grab a packet from his bedside table. “Good old dope.”  
  
“Drugs?” Blaine’s heart sped up a bit.  
  
“Babe it feels amazing,” Gary swore, rubbing Blaine’s naked hip. “Just give it a try. I’ll only give you a little.”  
  
“I don’t know,” Blaine bit his lip as the older man sucked up some water and squirted it into a metal spoon along with a small chunk of heroin.   
  
“Believe me. It’ll make you feel amazing,” He smiled at Blaine. “Every single bad thing is forgotten. I know you’re hurting sweetheart. This will help.”  
  
“It will?”  
  
“And if you don’t like it don’t do it again,” Gary held a lighter under the spoon until the liquid was bubbling and steaming. He sucked it up into a small syringe. “You want to feel good right?”  
  
“I do,” Blaine nodded, staring at the needle glinting in the light.   
  
“And I want so badly to fuck you when you’re high as a kite,” Gary gave him a dirty kiss. “You’ll love it. Sex feels so, so amazing when you’re high.”  
  
Biting his lip, Blaine held out his trembling arm.   
  
“Relax,” Gary stroked his thumb over Blaine’s arm and pulled out a small strip of rubber, tying it tightly around Blaine’s upper arm. “Okay, last chance.”  
  
“Do it.”  
  
Blaine gasped as the needle slid into the crook of his arm and the brown liquid was injected into him.   
  
Almost instantly the world distorted.   
  
He sagged forward, moaning slightly, and Gary caught him. Everywhere Gary touched him felt like his nerves were on fire. The older man lay him back on the bed and he marveled at how soft the sheets were.   
  
“See baby,” Gary leaned over him and for a moment his eyes were the most beautiful blue before they turned back to brown. “Feels so good.”  
  
Blaine stared up at the ceiling as Gary kissed down his chest, everywhere he touched left a small shock and warmth. Everything was warm and glowing. The world’s edges were burring and it was the happiest he had ever been.   
  
“I’m going to fuck you now babe,” Gary leaned forward.   
  
“Yes, yes, oh God yes,” Blaine moaned as he was slowly filled up by the other man’s cock. It was like he was being touched everywhere and lights went off behind his eyes.   
  
“God,” Gary grabbed his hips and thrust hard making Blaine let out a scream of pleasure. “Look at you.”  
  
“Do you want me?” Blaine’s eyes were half open and his words were slurred.   
  
“So bad,” Gary groaned. “Love seeing a naughty slut being fucked. You like this you little whore?”  
  
No. He didn’t like the name calling.   
  
“Such a needy slut. You only need a cock and you’re happy,” Gary slammed into him harder and harder until he shuddered and came deep into his body. Blaine could feel that the older man didn’t wear a condom but couldn’t find it in himself to care.   
  
“You’re such a good fuck,” Blaine felt like he was apart from his body. “Here.”  
  
“No,” Blaine slurred as Gary reached down to grab his hard cock. “Stop, stop. Don’t.”  
  
“Shh,” Gary kissed him behind the ear as he stroked faster and harder until Blaine’s entire body seized up and he came. “So good. So good for me baby.”  
  
“’m t’rd,” Blaine whispered.   
  
“Then go to sleep,” Gary stroked his hands down his back.   
  
Instantly Blaine passed out in the bed, feeling warm and safe for the first time in a very long time.   
  
When Blaine woke up he was shaking, cold, and naked in an unfamiliar bed. He slowly sat up, blinking in the sunlight and moaned softly.   
  
“Morning,” He jumped and looked up at the older man who was holding a paper bag towards him. “Some McDonalds hashbrowns? You need some carbs in you.”  
  
Blaine took a few bites of the cold, greasy hashbrown and watched the older man move around the room. He felt himself shiver and suddenly felt way too exposed, pulling the sheets up higher.   
  
“Need another hit?”  
  
“Hit?” Blaine asked around a mouthful.  
  
“Yeah,” Gary held up a needle. “You loved it last night. Want a small one for the road?”  
  
“Oh, no thanks,” Blaine shook his head and glanced at the alarm clock. “I actually better get going if I’m going to get to school on time. Can…can you drive me to the club so I can get my car?”  
  
“Sure, sure,” Gary gave him another smile and handed Blaine his clothes. “Give me a call if you want to hang out.”  
  
“Sure,” Blaine shrugged and pulled on his clothes before following the older man out to the car. He climbed into the passenger seat and closed his eyes against the harsh sun.   
  
The rest of the ride was in complete silence before they reached the now empty club. As soon as the car stopped, Blaine pushed open the door and climbed out.   
  
“No kiss goodbye?” Gary teased.   
  
“Sorry,” Blaine swallowed heavily against the rising nausea. “Thanks though.”  
  
“Give me a call kid if you change your mind. I’d love to see you again,” He hurried to his car and slid into the driver’s seat, starting the engine and driving to McKinley.   
  
Thankfully, his bag was still in his car and although he looked pale he didn’t look too bad. Of course, not many people were looking at him lately. Taking a deep breath, he walked into the school and to his locker.   
  
“And I heard he’s been talking to his guy Chase,” Mercedes gossiped to Tina a few lockers down. “The guy works with him a Vogue and is all over him. They went out to dinner last night.”  
  
“No way!” Tina gasped and Blaine felt like his heart had been ripped out. He closed his locker and hurried down the hall, desperate to get away.  
  
Kurt was seeing someone else.  
  
Kurt had moved on.  
  
Kurt had forgotten about him.   
  
“Hey,” He exhaled shakily into the phone. “Is the offer for another hit still available?”   
  
“I was waiting for your call sweetheart,” Gary chucked into the phone. “I don’t normally give them out for free though but just because you’re so cute I’ll give you another freebie.”  
  
“Okay, I’ll be right over,” Blaine hung up the phone and walked out of the school as the bell for first period rang.   
  
Thirty minutes later Blaine was slumped over against the headboard, feeling warm. He hummed as Gary stroked fingers through his curly hair and turned towards the hand gently cupping his face.   
  
“So, why so upset?” Gary asked, sitting down next to him.   
  
“No reason,” Blaine shook his head feeling heavy.   
  
“Sweet high school boys don’t just start trying things like heroin unless they’re running away from something,” Gary trailed his fingers along Blaine’s thigh.   
  
“I made a mistake,” Blaine started, tears filling his eyes. “I fucked up the best…best thing I had. My boyfriend moved to New York and I was so…so lonely. I messed around with another guy and told him. He broke up with me.”  
  
“Sounds like he didn’t deserve you,” Gary gently wiped away the tears from his cheeks. “Leaving you all alone? That was just cruel.”  
  
“I love him,” Blaine sobbed, feeling his chest jerk and buried his face in his hands. “I just want to forget. I want to be happy.”  
  
“I can give you more to make you happy,” Gary motioned to the packet sitting on his bedside table.   
  
“Yes,” Blaine nodded quickly, holding out his still bleeding arm. He desperately needed to feel the rush of happiness and safety. He wanted to feel accepted and warm.   
  
“Hon, I told you that only that last one was free,” Gary looked a little sorry.   
  
“I…I don’t have any money,” Blaine stared up at him with wide eyes.   
  
“Don’t worry, we’ll work something out,” The needle slid into his arm and everything was better.


	3. Chapter 3

The classroom was way too loud. Blaine walked to the back of the room, clenching his teeth and digging his nails into his palm.  
  
“Hi Blaine,” Tina smiled slightly.   
  
“Hey.”  
  
He sat down heavily in the desk beside her and rubbed his eyes, feeling his skin crawl. Even without looking at her he could tell that she was making little aborted attempts to talk to him.   
  
“Um…did you do your homework?”  
  
“No,” He ground out.   
  
“Listen, are you okay?” She turned to face him. “I know breakups are hard. I was really upset when Mike and I broke up but…”  
  
“Is this when you call me slut or whore or cheater?” Blaine snapped quickly, making her jump. “Or my personal favorites, loser, porn star, and one memorable time Artie ran me over, the god of gonorrhea.”  
  
“Blaine…”  
  
“Go ahead,” Blaine nodded sharply.   
  
“We’re worried about you,” Her eyes were soft and sad.   
  
“Bullshit!” Blaine laughed harshly, feeling sweat bead on his forehead. “You all don’t give a fuck about me.”  
  
“Hey!” Sam snapped form the row ahead of him. “Don’t talk to her like that!”  
  
“Cute how you team up against me,” Blaine’s teeth ached as he ground them together and stood up. “I have to go.”  
  
“Class hasn’t started!” Sam looked up at him, eyes flashing.   
  
“I have somewhere better to be,” He glared and stormed out. Trembling, he grabbed his phone and called Gary.   
  
“Hi!” He said quickly as he slid into his car. “Hey…can…can I come over? I need something.”   
  
“Sure baby, I have a hit with your name on it.”  
  
“How much?” He bit at his nails.   
  
“Thirty a hit,” Blaine winced. “I can give you enough to last you through the weekend for three hundred. That’s a deal just for you.”  
  
“That’s really expensive.”  
  
“I know baby but it’s the business. If you want you can take less hits a day?” Gary said slowly and got a whimper in return. “Okay sweetheart, if you swing by here by midnight I’ll give it to you for two hundred and fifty.”  
  
“Okay. I can get the money by tonight,” He nodded furiously. “I have ten bucks with me now and I really, really need a hit.”  
  
“You know I would but I can’t give you something for almost nothing,” Gary sighed. “What do you think we should do?”  
  
“Gary, I’ll let you do anything. I just need it.”  
  
“I do have some toys I’ve been wanting to try out…” Gary said slowly.  
  
“Okay! Okay!” Blaine nodded enthusiastically. “Give me ten minutes. I’ll be there.”   
  
Later that night he decided that Scandals was so much better high.   
  
The cheesy disco ball lights made long comets shoot across the room. He closed his eyes and let the heavy beat of the music travel up from the soles of his boots to the top of his head and grinned.   
  
Blaine could hardly feel his legs move and crashed into the bar, grinning. The bartender gave him a strange look but walked up to him.   
  
“Can I get a rum and coke?” He called over the loud music and the bartender started filling up the glass.   
  
“That’ll be seven dollars,” Blaine hesitated, knowing his wallet was empty, but was stopped by a huge man with a thick beard.   
  
“It’ll be on me,” The man smiled warmly at him. “Can’t let some pretty boy go thirsty can I?”   
  
“Why thank you,” Blaine shot him a practiced flirty look. “I’m Blaine.”  
  
“Lance,” The man placed a hand low on his waist.   
  
“So Lance, what do you do?” Blaine’s eyes caught on the fancy watch, feeling his fingers shake slightly.  
  
“I own a company that makes furniture,” Lance handed him his glass.   
  
“So your house must be beautifully furnished,” Blaine took a sip. “I’d love to see it sometime.”  
  
“Maybe tonight?” Lance looked hopeful and Blaine grinned.   
  
“If you want to.”  
  
“Oh believe me, I want to,” Blaine grinned up at him.   
  
After finishing half the drink, Blaine was sitting in Lance’s large SUV as they drove back to his house. The older man kept a possessive hand on his thigh and squeezed.   
  
“I’m going to fuck you so hard,” He growled.   
  
“Mmhmm,” Blaine nodded, feeling sweat bead on his forehead and his hands shake harder.   
  
“You okay baby?”  
  
“I’m just thinking about how good its going to feel with your big cock breaking me open,” Blaine grinned as the car swerved slightly. “Hurry up baby. Get us to your house.”  
  
Lance pressed down on the gas pedal.   
  
He pulled into a very nice, large house and pulled Blaine in as soon as he unlocked the door. He pushed him in and shut the door again.   
  
“Take off your clothes,” He snapped and Blaine raised his eyebrows.   
  
“Eager are you?” He pulled his shirt off and kicked off his boots. The older man moaned and stepped forward to rub his fingers along his spine.   
  
“Extremely,” For a moment Blaine worried that Lance had seen the needle marks along his arm but the older man pulled down his pants and boxers. “On your knees.”  
  
This was easy. Blaine didn’t have to think. He didn’t have to worry. He didn’t have to miss Kurt.   
  
A large hand grabbed his hair roughly and when he opened his mouth to cry out, a cock was shoved in. Lance was so much bigger than Blaine expected and far rougher than he was used to.   
  
Blaine tried to pull back just to get a breath but the older man kept a firm hold on his head and held him still as he ground his cock into his throat.   
  
“Fuck so hot,” Lance moaned as he held Blaine’s nose closed. “Take my cock you whore.”  
  
Blaine tried to struggle back but the hand held him tightly. Panic set in and his eyes widened as his air was cut off. His vision began to blur and he became lightheaded as he dug his bitten nails into the man’s thighs but the thrusts continued until his vision went black.   
  
“There he is,” Blaine blinked himself awake, throat burning and mouth tasting foul. “Wake up sleeping beauty.”  
  
“What?” Blaine croaked, finding himself on a bed. His body was aching and shaking and he was drenched in sweat.   
  
“You looked so fucking hot choking on my cock,” Blaine suddenly became aware of two fingers scissoring him open. “Now I want to see you bouncing on it.”  
  
“Stop,” Blaine slurred. “Hurts too bad. Please slow down.”  
  
The fingers slid out and Blaine felt himself get slammed up against the wall and Lance moving under him, holding his legs up. With a scream, Blaine was pulled down onto the hard cock.   
  
“Stop, stop!” Blaine cried out, trying to move off. “Too much.”  
  
Lance was so much bigger than he had ever had and he had almost no preparation. He was shaking with pain and the withdrawal was making his muscles seize up. Tears spilled down his cheeks as Lance continued to slam into him.   
  
“I’m just doing what you asked me to in the car,” Lance soothed, wrapping a hand around his throat and squeezing. “You’re so tight.”   
  
Blaine couldn’t breathe and his eyes widened as the older man continued to fuck up hard into him. With a final few thrusts, he moaned and came as he squeezed Blaine’s throat.   
  
Both of them collapsed onto the bed, Blaine hardly clinging to consciousness.   
  
“Mmm,” Lance kissed the back of his neck. “Sorry I was rough but I couldn’t resist it.”  
  
Blaine lay there shaking until he felt Lance’s breathing slow and knew he was asleep. Painfully, he pushed himself out of bed and staggered to where his clothes had fallen. After he had pulled on his clothes he dug through Lance’s until he found his wallet.   
  
He pocketed the three hundred dollars and walking out of the room. A mirror along the wall caught his attention and he froze. His hair was a mess of curls, his eyes were dark with circles under them, bruises lined his throat and he was so much skinnier. It hardly looked like him.  
  
Shaking, Blaine shook his head and hurried out of the house.   
  
“Hey Gary,” He called the man as soon as he shut the front door. “I’ve got the money. Can you pick me up?”


	4. Chapter 4

“Hey!” Dave pushed open the passenger side door for Sebastian as he slid in.  
  
“God can’t you get something better than this piece of shit car?” Sebastian scrunched his nose up.   
  
“Hey I paid for this car with my own hard earned money,” Dave said as the car lurched into movement. “We don’t all have rich dads who buy us whatever we want.”  
  
“Still,” Sebastian rolled his eyes and picked at the ripped up seat cushion. “It’s been forever since I’ve gone out.”  
  
“Same,” Dave smiled over at him.   
  
After he had attempted suicide, Sebastian had awkwardly hovered outside his hospital room until Dave had waved him in. The guilt ridden boy had sobbed until Dave had assured him that Sebastian’s cruel words didn’t lead him to the attempt.   
  
They had slowly begun hanging out until they were spending almost every weekend together. Surprisingly they had a lot in common and a strong friendship was started. Finally, they both felt comfortable to go and spend a night at Scandals and drink.  
  
“Let’s get us some beers!” Dave parked in the crowded parking lot. “And none of that fancy ass foreign shit.”  
  
“Aw,” Sebastian gave him a sharp poke as they made their way to the bar. They sipped at their beers and just made small talk as they relaxed.   
  
Dave laughed at some bitchy remark his friend made and looked out at the crowd, freezing in the middle of a drink.   
  
Blaine Anderson was pressed up against an older man. The usually preppy boy was dressed in tight black ripped jeans, a tight shirt, and his hazel eyes were surrounded with eyeliner.   
  
“Holy shit,” Sebastian finally saw what Dave was looking at and stared blankly. “What is he doing?”   
  
Blaine laughed loudly at what the man said and stumbled slightly, keeping a firm grip on his drink. The man he was with grinned down at him and wrapped an arm around his slim waist.   
  
“So…he and Kurt broke up right?” Sebastian watched as Blaine moved closer to the man.   
  
“That’s what I heard,” Dave felt himself bush as the man reached down to cup his ass. “I heard Blaine cheated on him.”  
  
“What?!” Sebastian snapped his head back.   
  
“He looks pretty wasted,” The man grabbed Blaine’s chin in a rough grip and kissed him deeply, forcing Blaine’s neck back. “Oh…well that’s…awkward.”  
  
The man grabbed Blaine’s arm and pulled him out of the bar, the younger boy stumbling behind him. After a moment of hesitation both boys put their beers on the counter and followed them out.   
  
“Ouch!” The sharp shout startled them into moving faster.   
  
“Now hush,” The man was holding Blaine firmly against a car. “I was talking to Nate and he told me that you give the best head. Cant wait to get you on your knees.”  
  
“Yeah,” Blaine’s eyes were glazed and his body shook with fine tremors.   
  
“Hey!” Dave shouted when he saw how firmly the man was holding Blaine against the car. “Let him go.”  
  
“Move along, there’s nothing to see here,” The man stepped back but kept a tight grip on Blaine’s arm. “Get in the car baby.”  
  
“He’s not going anywhere with you,” Sebastian took a step forward.   
  
“Fuck off!” The man snarled.   
  
“Leave or I’m sure the police wont be happy to hear that you got a seventeen year old wasted and were going to take him home,” The man’s grip loosened. “My dad’s a state attorney. Get lost creep.”  
  
“He wants to. He’s at the age of consent,” The man scowled.   
  
“Yeah,” Blaine stepped towards the man. “I want to go.”  
  
“You’re drunk Blaine,” Sebastian snapped back, taking a hold of the smaller boy’s arm. “Come with us and we’ll get some food in you and let you sleep.”  
  
“No,” Blaine shook his head, a wide grin spreading across his face. “Seb…Sebastian you were all over me a few months ago. You wanted to fuck me didn’t you?”  
  
“I’m not going to lie, I was attracted to you,” Sebastian shrugged, straightening himself up. “But I’m not attracted to this.”  
  
“So now that I’m single maybe I want to have some fun. Ivan here promised me a good time and I’m all for that,” Blaine looked back at the still hopeful man.   
  
“No,” Sebastian pulled Blaine closer to him and Dave crowded up to the other man. “You’re not going with him.”  
  
Blaine let out a whine and tried to pull his arm away as Dave stood between them and the man until the man grumbled, climbed into his car and drove off. As soon as they car pulled out of the parking lot Blaine started pulling roughly on his arm.   
  
“What the fuck?” Blaine snarled, still trying to get away. “Why would you do that?”  
  
“Blaine, Blaine!” Sebastian grabbed his arm and saw the bruises and track marks along the inside. “What is this?”  
  
“Nothing!”  
  
“Are you on drugs?” Blaine’s hazy eyes met his.   
  
“No,” He stumbled but Sebastian held him up.   
  
“Get in the car,” Sebastian yanked open the back door to Dave’s car and shoved the other boy in. “Don’t lie to me. I saw the track marks, what are you on?”  
  
Blaine’s head nodded forward and his eyes drooped slightly as he lay back on the rear seat.   
  
“Blaine!” Sebastian snapped as Dave walked up. “Wake up!”  
  
“But ‘m tired,” He mumbled, turning over slightly.   
  
“Stay awake,” Sebastian grabbed his leg and shook his roughly. “What are you on?”  
  
“Nothing,” Blaine shook his head slowly and Sebastian’s eyes were drawn to the still bleeding needle mark on his neck.   
  
“Did that guy give you something?” Sebastian frowned.   
  
“We can get him to my house, my parents are out for the week,” Dave offered softly. “Do you think he needs to go to this hospital?”  
  
“I don’t know. I don’t think so,” Sebastian frowned at the other boy. “Blaine. Wake up!”  
  
“Shut the fuck up!” Blaine snapped, glaring at him with half open eyes. “Let me sleep. I just want to sleep.”  
  
“He wont talk to us tonight,” Sebastian shook his head, frustrated. “Let’s just…let’s just go.”  
  
They climbed into the car and Dave tried to drive as smoothly as he could.  
  
“Where am I?” Blaine mumbled from the back of the car. “Wha’s happening?”  
  
“We’re taking you back to my house,” Dave glanced at him through the rearview mirror.   
  
“Where’s Ivan?” Blaine tried to force himself up on his elbows and his head nodded forward.   
  
“The perv you were talking to earlier? He left,” Sebastian glared back.   
  
“He left?” Tears filled Blaine’s eyes and started streaming down his cheeks, smearing his eyeliner. “Why…why did he leave? Did he not want me?”  
  
“Oh he wanted you alright,” Sebastian scowled. “And you were all too willing to go with him. He left because we made him. Because you’re drunk and high as hell and don’t even know where you are.”  
  
A loud sob startled both of them and Blaine covered his face as he shook.   
  
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” He sobbed harshly. “I just…I don’t have a reason you know? None. No reason at all.”  
  
“No reason for what?”   
  
“For living,” Blaine jerked. “I’ve done horrible things. I fucked up the only good thing I had going for me. The only thing that I cared for I fucked up by going somewhere else.”  
  
“Slow down,” Dave said soothingly as he turned a corner. “Are you talking about Kurt?”  
  
“I didn’t even sleep with the guy. I was so lonely and ignored,” Blaine’s voice cracked. “I went over and he noticed me. We kissed and I left because I love Kurt. I love him so much. Then we broke up and everyone kept calling me slut or whore.”  
  
“And that was wrong of them.” Dave tried to sooth him gently.  
  
“No it wasn’t. I liked doing it. I like it when I drink and don’t remember the pain. I don’t remember the empty feeling and I don’t feel like just slitting my wrists. Then they complimented me and noticed me and I loved it,” Blaine’s entire body shook.   
  
“Blaine…” Sebastian looked shocked.   
  
“And the stuff makes me forget being sad. It makes me feel like I’m floating and nothing matters,” He scrambled through his pockets. “I need to call Gary, need more.”  
  
“Give me that,” Sebastian snatched the phone and Blaine let out a whimper, curling around himself. He nodded off again, mumbling to himself as Sebastian flicked through some of his texts.   
  
 _From Gary: You coming over tonight baby?  
  
To Gary: I don’t have enough  
  
From Gary: That’s okay. I have some friends here you can come join the party  
  
To Gary: Okay be there later  
  
From Gary: On your way sweetheart?  
  
From Gary: Blaine?  
  
From Gary: Guess you don’t want any. _  
  
“This is so bad,” He mumbled as they pulled into Dave’s driveway.   
  
“Help me get him in,” Dave pulled the younger boy out of the car and it took both of them to move a completely unresponsive Blaine into the house and onto the couch.   
  
“What do we do?” Dave asked, watching worriedly as Blaine began to shiver.   
  
“Let him sleep it off,” Sebastian sighed. “We should call his parents or something.”  
  
“And say what?” Dave raised his eyebrows. “We found your son propositioning a much older man at a gay club who gave him hard drugs and got him completely drunk.”  
  
“We could call his brother?” Sebastian shrugged.  
  
“I didn’t know he had a brother.”  
  
“Yeah, his name is Cooper. He did those stupid credit score commercials. He’s super hot,” Sebastian scowled at the raised eyebrow. “Don’t judge me.”  
  
He flicked through the phone to find Cooper’s name and dialed it.  
  
“Blaine?” Cooper answered quickly, sounding breathless. “Are you okay? Why are you calling so late? What’s going on?”  
  
“Um…I’m not Blaine. I’m Sebastian, Blaine’s…someone who knows Blaine,” The silence on the other end made him bounce from foot to foot.   
  
“You’re the little shit who nearly blinded him.”  
  
“Wow…okay. Funny how the Anderson charm skips some people,” With a shove from Dave he continued. “There’s a problem.”  
  
“Is Blaine okay?”   
  
“No,” With a heavy sigh Sebastian sat down on the couch, staring at the unconscious Blaine. “Um…this is going to be rough…but has Blaine ever been involved in drugs?”   
  
“Blaine didn’t drink coffee until he was sixteen because he thought it would stunt his growth,” Cooper sighed. “Clearly…the caffeine wasn’t the issue. Blaine’s a good kid, there’s no way he’s involved in that stuff.”  
  
“I think he is,” Sebastian bounced his foot up and down.   
  
“Is this a joke? Because it’s really not funny.”  
  
“He’s been sleeping around, drinking a lot, and I know I saw track marks,” A shuddering breath made Sebastian wince. “I wouldn’t say anything if I wasn’t sure. He needs help.”  
  
“I’ll book a flight.”  
  
“What do you want us to do in the meantime?” He glanced up at a worried Dave.   
  
“Where is he now?”  
  
“Passed out on the couch,” Sebastian answered.   
  
“Give me your address and try to keep him there,” Cooper sounded like he was moving around. “I can be in maybe mid afternoon.”  
  
“Okay,” Sebastian glanced up at Dave who nodded.   
  
“Great, great,” Cooper mumbled. “So…thanks. Copy my number out of his phone and text me your number. I’ll let you know when I get into town.”  
  
They said their quick goodbyes and Sebastian dropped his hands into his lap.   
  
“So…we just stall him and keep him here?” Dave frowned.  
  
“Yup but you’re on puke bucket duty,” Sebastian stretched and leaned back.   
  
Blaine woke up slowly, head feeling like it was going to explode and body shaking violently. Even sitting up was much too difficult of a task and he fell back.   
  
“Here,” A plate was shoved into his stomach, making him moan softly.   
  
“Stop.”  
  
“Wake up Blaine,” A firm shake of his shoulder made him finally open his eyes enough. Sitting on his stomach was a plate of toast covered in peanut butter. “Eat.”  
  
“Sebastian?” He mumbled, squinting up at him.   
  
“Yeah, you need to eat,” He nudged him until Blaine took a tiny bite.   
  
“You puked up most of what you ate earlier,” Dave put a bottle of Gatorade down on the coffee table. “Eat and then we need to talk.”  
  
“About what?” Blaine shrugged, taking another bite. “Listen, I’m sorry if I went a little crazy last night but thank you for letting me crash here.”  
  
“Well it was here or in some crack whore house,” Sebastian shrugged and Blaine shrank down. “Speaking of crack, what the hell are you on?”  
  
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Blaine mumbled.   
  
“The track marks, the shakes, the fact that it’s like fifty degrees in here and you’re sweating?” He cocked his head to the side.   
  
“I thought you said eat first talk later,” He nibbled on the toast.   
  
“I did but not when you’re clearly stalling,” Dave took a seat. “We can help you. Just talk to us.”  
  
“I have to go,” Blaine pushed aside the plate and stood up on wobbly legs.   
  
“Nope,” Sebastian pushed him down. “You talked…a lot in the car.”  
  
“Whatever problem you think I may have, you’re wrong,” Blaine shrugged. “So I went through a bad breakup. It happens. I’m trying to get over it and maybe I’m not doing it in the best way.”  
  
“I’ve broken up with several boyfriends,” Sebastian crossed his arm over his chest. “But I never went on for weeks in a alcohol drug daze fucking whatever had a dick. That’s not a breakup that’s a breakdown.”  
  
“Fuck you Sebastian,” Blaine spat, standing up. “You don’t even know me.”  
  
“We know that you’re not this,” Dave said softly.   
  
“Okay I haven’t seen you in forever and now you’re hosting an intervention for me?” Blaine scoffed. “I don’t have time for this. I have to go.”  
  
“Wait!” Dave jumped in front of him, making him shrink down. “Just…just eat something and rest.”  
  
“I’m not going to sit here and be judged by you two,” Blaine said coldly. “Sebastian you are the biggest man whore at Scandals. How can you judge me?”  
  
“Well, you took my title.”  
  
“Just talk to us,” Dave insisted, glaring at his tense friend.   
  
“I have to go.” Blaine moved toward the door.  
  
“You didn’t have anything with you. Need another hit?” The icy glare they got in response chilled both of them to the bone.   
  
“I. Am. Not. On. Anything,” He said slowly.   
  
“We want to help you,” Dave took a step forward and got a shrill laugh in return.   
  
“Since when? All you’ve ever wanted to do was fuck my boyfri…Kurt,” For a moment Blaine’s face crumpled and he swayed in place. “I guess you can now…”  
  
“I don’t want to sleep with Kurt,” Dave shook his head sharply. “That’s not what we’re talking about now.”  
  
“So what do you want to talk about?” Blaine crossed his arms over his chest, body trembling. “Because I have somewhere to be.”  
  
“Just talk to us! We saw a side of you that I didn’t even know existed,” Dave threw his hands up. “Please…sit and talk to us.”  
  
“Are you trying to stall me?” Blaine tipped his head to the side, eyes looking dark with his smeared eyeliner.   
  
“…no?”  
  
Blaine snatched his phone off the coffee table and looked through it.  
  
“You called my brother?” He snapped, stiffening. “You called my brother because I partied a little hard and passed out?”  
  
“Your brother is coming because you were high and whoring around,” Sebastian snarled.  
  
“He’s coming here!” Blaine went pale. “Were you just stalling me until he got here? You know…I’m leaving. Thanks for the ride and the toast.”  
  
“You don’t have a car,” Dave reminded him as he stormed out.   
  
“I’ll walk.”


	5. Chapter 5

The shrill ringing of a phone woke Kurt out of a deep sleep. He mumbled and turned over, holding the phone to his ear without opening his eyes.  
  
“Hello?” He sighed.   
  
“Kurt?” Sam’s voice surprised him. “I really need to talk to you.”  
  
“What about? Is everything okay?” He sat up slightly.   
  
“Um…it’s about Blaine,” Kurt rolled his eyes and sighed heavily.   
  
“What about him?”   
  
“You know he quit glee right?” Kurt frowned slightly. “And he’s been skipping school and being snappy and rude.”   
  
“So why call me? Clearly Blaine isn’t mature enough to handle a breakup. It’s funny that he’s been acting like the world ended when he’s the one who cheated on me,” Kurt spat.   
  
“I know you’re upset. We were mad for a long time that he cheated on you because that’s not cool but there is something seriously wrong,” Sam sighed. “I know that you are furious and want nothing to do with him but dude…I don’t even recognize him. He’s quiet and sleeps through his classes when he bothers to show up which is why he’s failing.”  
  
“What do you want me to do about it? Get back together with him so he’s not sad anymore?” Kurt scowled. “It’s been months since I last talked to him.”  
  
“I know and I’m not saying get back together with him. He just needs someone.”  
  
“He has all of you,” Kurt argued.   
  
“He called Brittany a bitch yesterday when she tried to hug him,” Sam sounded hesitant. “He’s pushed us all away.”  
  
“What am I supposed to say to him?”  
  
“I don’t know,” Sam grumbled. “You know I’m not the smartest person in the world but anyone could see that something serious is up with Blaine.”  
  
“Thanks for letting me know Sam,” Kurt whispered. “I’ll talk to you later.”  
  
He hung up and stared at his phone for a long time before dialing.   
  
“Hello?” Blaine answered, voice rough.   
  
“Um…hi Blaine,” Kurt whispered.  
  
“Kurt? Why are you calling me?” Blaine sounded exhausted and his words were slurred slightly. “What do you want?”  
  
“I just wanted to make sure you’re okay,” Kurt rubbed at the back of his neck. “So…how are…”  
  
“Come back to bed baby,” A man’s deep voice startled him and Kurt’s mouth dropped open.   
  
“Give me a moment,” Blaine hissed and turned back to the phone. “I’m fine. Why are you really calling?”  
  
“Just…just wanted to check,” Kurt muttered weakly, heart dropping.   
  
“Blaine come on,” The man whined.   
  
“I said give me a minute! Stop. Don’t touch me.”  
  
“Fine, you always get so fucking touchy in the morning. Let me know when you decide that you want to stop being such a prude,” The man snarled and Blaine was silent for a moment.   
  
“I’m fine Kurt. You don’t need to check up on me,” Blaine said quickly. “I don’t need a babysitter.”   
  
The phone clicked and the call was ended.  
  
Kurt curled his fingers around his phone and held it to his chest as tears burned in his eyes. Blaine had answered when he was with another guy. He had answered when he was with a guy that he had obviously been with a few times.   
  
He buried his face in his hands and took a few deep breaths before slipping into the kitchen to make himself a cup of tea with trembling hands.   
  
“Hey,” Rachel wandered out dressed in an oversized sweater and shorts. “You’re up early.”  
  
“I called Blaine.”  
  
“Oh my God, are you okay?” Rachel’s eyes widened and she gasped.   
  
“He was with another guy,” Kurt whispered, staring at the cup of tea.   
  
“Seriously! He answered the phone while he was with another guy! Were they like…doing it?” She winced a little.  
  
“After the breakup I was a mess! I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, and apparently he just hopped into bed with another guy! So I was devastated and he whores around,” Kurt’s hands tightened on the cup.   
  
“I didn’t think he was like that,” Rachel whispered.   
  
“I did,” With a tight lipped smile, Kurt took a sip.   
  
~*~  
  
Cooper was pissed.   
  
He wanted to be curled up in his nice warm bed back home not driving to some gay club in Lima to hunt down his brother who was apparently having a mental breakdown.   
  
“This is it?” He raised his eyebrows as they pulled up to the dingy building.   
  
“Yup,” Sebastian parked and stepped out.   
  
“I was expecting…”  
  
“Rainbow flags? Glittered walls? A crowd of transvestites?” The small smirk made Cooper grit his teeth.   
  
“Something else,” With a heavy breath he walked in, flashed his ID at the overweight man sitting on a stool, and made his way towards the dance floor.   
  
Most of the men in the club were large, burly men with beards who kept eyeing him up. One of the men took his arm and gave him a leer.   
  
“Hey honey, dance with me.”  
  
“No thanks. I’m straight and looking for my underaged brother,” He held up a picture on his phone. “Have you seen him?”  
  
“Yeah, the kid’s a regular,” The man nodded. “He was here earlier but I don’t know where he is now. He might be in the bathroom, I suggest you wait for him to come out though.”   
  
“Thanks,” Cooper spun on his heel and walked swiftly to the back bathrooms, followed closely by Sebastian and Dave.   
  
“He might have…company,” Sebastian warned, pulling on Cooper’s arm.   
  
“I don’t care,” The older man scowled and pushed open the bathroom door.   
  
An older man, who was panting heavily, helped Blaine to his feet as he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.   
  
For a moment Cooper didn’t even recognize his brother. Blaine was wearing jeans so ripped that they showed more skin than fabric, his shirt was incredibly tight with a low v-neck, and he wore a huge amount of eyeliner which magnified his eyes. Which were now blinking sluggishly up at him.  
  
“Cooper?” He asked, voice hoarse.   
  
“Ooh, is this your friend baby?” The man’s face looked like Christmas had come early.   
  
“His brother. Get lost pervert before I punch your face in,” Cooper’s cold voice startled the man into rushing out of the bathroom.   
  
“Why are you here?” Blaine asked as he walked over to wash his hands.   
  
“Because you’re clearly not well,” Cooper’s eyes softened for a moment before Blaine rolled his eyes.   
  
“I’m fine.”  
  
“Mmhmm, because you look fine,” Cooper raised his eyebrows. “With those pants, that eyeliner, and…glitter in your hair? You look like you should be on a street corner rather than a bathroom.”  
  
“Fuck you,” Blaine spat and pushed past him to get out of the bathroom. “I’m having fun Coop. You always told me I was too stuffy.”  
  
“So you went from reserved to whorish? Seems reasonable,” He rolled his eyes. “Come home, we’ll talk about it there.”  
  
“No.”  
  
“I didn’t ask,” Cooper shrugged and grabbed Blaine’s arm, pulling him through the club.   
  
“Hey!” Blaine tried to struggle. “Hey! Stop! SOMEONE HELP ME! I DON’T KNOW HIM, SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME!”  
  
Suddenly at least four men were shoving Cooper aside and pulling Blaine towards them. The bouncer crowded the older man and grabbed him roughly.   
  
“What the fuck man! Grabbing a kid?” The man snarled.   
  
“Listen,” Cooper held his hands up. “This is a misunderstanding. I’m his brother. He’s being a little shit and refusing to come home.”  
  
“I don’t have a brother,” Blaine’s eyes were icy as a man gently rubbed his shoulder.   
  
“Shut up Blaine,” Cooper snarled and the man pushed him again.   
  
“I think you should leave,” The bouncer pushed him again. “Leave or I’ll call the police.”  
  
“Seriously?” Cooper frowned.   
  
“He’s telling the truth,” Dave broke in and Sebastian nodded. “If you call the police they’ll be pissed you’re letting in underage kids.”   
  
“I can prove it,” Cooper dug for his ID and held it up. “That’s Blaine Anderson, my seventeen year old brother.”  
  
Blaine scowled at the floor.   
  
“Kid, give me your ID,” The man held a hand out and Blaine handed it over. “This one says your thirty eight. Give me your real ID.”  
  
Blaine scowled further and handed over his license.   
  
“Blaine Anderson, seventeen,” The bounced tapped it on his hand a few times. “I think you should both leave.”  
  
“Sounds like a good plan,” Cooper grabbed his brother’s arm and dragged him out again. “What the fuck is wrong with you?!”  
  
“Nothing!” Blaine shouted and wrenched his arm free. “Why are you here? Don’t you have some big important life back in L.A?”   
  
“Yeah, one that I had to put on hold to come drag you out of a gay club’s bathroom,” Cooper shouted back. “Where are mom and dad?”  
  
“I don’t know. Skiing in Switzerland, on a cruise in the Bahamas, tanning in Fiji, are they ever here?” Blaine threw his hands up in the air and turned to glare at Sebastian and Dave. “Why the fuck are you two so involved all of a sudden?”  
  
“Because you’re in trouble.”  
  
“And you care?” He let out a shrill laugh. “When have any of you cared about me? Karofsky, you hated me for dating Kurt, Sebastian, you were all too happy just to fuck me and Cooper, you just need me around to ooh and aw at all of the amazing things you do.”  
  
“That’s not true,” Cooper shook his head.   
  
“But it is,” Blaine wrapped his arms around his stomach. “Now, I have to be somewhere. I’m meeting up with some friends.”  
  
“Friends? Oh, did you mean your drug dealer? Or maybe your pimp?” Cooper gave his brother a sharp look. “Just…come home.”  
  
“No,” Blaine’s eyes flicked around.   
  
“I’m really not playing,” Cooper just looked sad.   
  
“Neither am I, I need to be somewhere,” His voice dropped to a whimper.   
  
“No you don’t. You don’t need to go,” Cooper took a few steps closer and Blaine stumbled back, eyes wide. “Just come home.”  
  
“I…I need,” Tears sprung to his eyes and Blaine dragged his fingers through his hair, closing his eyes tightly. “I can’t wait any longer.”  
  
“Just eat something and get some sleep,” Dave said gently, making Blaine jump.   
  
“It’s okay,” Cooper placed a hand on Blaine’s arm.   
  
After some reassuring, they finally got Blaine into the car where he passed out almost instantly. The car ride was absolutely silent as they drove to the Anderson’s house and got Blaine into bed.   
  
“Thanks guys,” Cooper pulled the blankets up over his brother. “You don’t have to stay. Go home and get some sleep.”  
  
“Let us know if you need anything,” Dave smiled and Sebastian nodded.   
  
“I will, thanks again,” He gave them an exhausted smile and turned back to his brother.   
  
With a deep, trembling breath, he gently turned Blaine’s arm over. Small, dark track marks covered his thin arms and if Cooper looked closely he could see a few marks among the finger shaped bruises on his throat.   
  
“Oh B,” Cooper sighed, blinking back tears. “What have you gotten yourself into.”  
  
He wiped at his eyes and went downstairs. After Cooper fixed himself a cup of coffee he grabbed his lap top and started researching nearby rehab centers.   
  
The next morning when Cooper woke up the house was strangely quiet. He stretched slightly on the couch where he had fallen asleep and stood up. With a large yawn he started towards the kitchen when something caught his eye.   
  
His wallet on the floor.   
  
Panic crawling up his throat, Cooper grabbed his wallet to find that all his cash and credit cards were gone. He sprinted up the stairs and into Blaine’s room, scowling at the empty bed.   
  
“Damn it!” He sighed.


	6. Chapter 6

“I can’t believe him!” Blaine slurred as he knocked back his forth shot. “How dare he just…just swoop in and pretend to be my savior? I can take care of myself.”  
  
“I know sweetie,” Josh smiled at him and handed him another shot.   
  
Josh was one of the younger guys Blaine hooked up with. He was in his early thirties, fit, and good looking. He was also incredibly wealthy and was able to score the best stuff.   
  
“He always does this,” Blaine drank another shot. “Comes in and tells me how horrible and wrong I am. I hate him.”  
  
“Let me make you feel better,” Josh mouthed at the skin below his ear and picked up the syringe he had made. “I’ve got a big one for you.”  
  
Blaine’s body shook as the rubber tie was wrapped tightly around his arm. He moaned softly as the needle slid into the crook of his elbow.   
  
The rush of pleasure and joy overwhelmed him and he sagged forward blinking away the black. The world began to move in slow motion and he felt Josh lean him against the headboard.   
  
Shit.  
  
He tried to blink as his vision began to dim.   
  
Maybe he took a little too much…  
  
With a shaky breath, his vision went black.   
  
~*~  
  
As horrible as hospital food was, the smoothies weren’t half bad.   
  
Carole took a long sip of her strawberry-banana smoothie and went back to writing up her charts. It was an uncharacteristically quiet night in the ER and all the nurses were using it to their advantage.   
  
Laura, another nurse, smiled at her as she deposited the charts back in their slots.   
  
“Quiet today right?” Laura said happily, ponytail bobbing.   
  
“No!” Carole gasped, pushing her friend’s shoulder lightly. “Don’t say that word! You’ll jinx it!”  
  
They both stayed silent for a few minutes before bursting into giggles. The loud beeping of their pagers made them sigh and start running for the emergency room.  
  
“What have we got?” Dr. Paul Lewis shouted as he ran in.   
  
“Seventeen year old male with heroin and alcohol overdose,” The paramedic announced as they whisked in the gurney. “No breathing and low heart rate on arrival. Administered narcan in the ambulance and he’s coming back. Heart rate back up and he is breathing. Vomited and had a seizure that lasted twenty-three seconds in the bus.”  
  
The boy on the gurney looked far too small. His dark hair was soaked with sweat, his face was white except for the smears of eyeliner, and his limbs still jerked slightly.   
  
“Can you hear me?” Paul leaned over the boy who didn’t respond. “Bud, can you hear me?”  
  
When the boy didn’t answer he pressed his knuckles into the boy’s sternum and rubbed hard until he got a whimper in response.   
  
“You’re in the hospital,” Paul continued as they administered another dose of the antidote in his arm. “You’re going to be okay. Can you tell me your name?”  
  
The boy moaned weakly again and tried to roll over. Laura quickly grabbed the bowl on the side as he threw up violently. The young nurse gently rubbed his shoulder as he shook and vomited.   
  
Carole took a wet cloth and gently wiped at his chin and the boy wrapped trembling fingers around her wrist.   
  
“It’s okay,” She said softly and he finally looked at her. His eyes were almost all hazel with a small pinprick of a pupil but the recognition hit her like a bus. “Blaine?”  
  
He gasped in a shallow, shaky breath and nodded miserably. He began to shake again, closing his eyes tightly against the pain.  
  
“Okay, give him one more dose,” Paul nodded to Laura who brought over another syringe.   
  
“No, no, no,” Blaine choked out, voice frail. “No more. Please, it hurts.”  
  
“I know Blaine,” Carole smoothed back his sweaty hair. “But it’ll make you better. You’ll be okay.”  
  
Tears began to stream down his face and he whimpered in pain. Carole’s heart broke and she moved behind him to cradle his head as he shook.   
  
“His vitals are getting back to normal,” Paul nodded to the monitor. Gently pushing Carole aside, Laura placed an oxygen mask over his face and they waited until he was breathing regularly again. “Alright, move him into a room. We’ll keep him for observation. Carole?”  
  
“He’s my stepson’s ex-boyfriend,” Carole whispered, staring sadly down at the boy. “I know it’s not protocol…but could I call his family? It might be better coming from someone that knows him.”  
  
“Sure,” Laura dug the boy’s cell phone out of his pocket and handed it to her. “We’ll move him.”  
  
Carole waited until Blaine was set up in a more comfortable bed before she walked into a family room and dialed “Home” on his cell.   
  
“Blaine, where the fuck are you?” A man’s voice snarled after a few rings. “Get home now or I swear I will fucking murder you!”  
  
“Um…I’m not Blaine,” Carole laughed nervously.   
  
“Oh my God, I’m so sorry,” The man said softly. “I just assumed from the number…”  
  
“It’s fine, I’m calling from his cell phone. My name is Carole Hummel and I’m a nurse at Lima Memorial in the emergency room,” The shaky inhale made her sigh sadly. “May I ask who I’m speaking to?”  
  
“I’m Cooper, Blaine’s older brother. Is he alright?”   
  
“He was brought into our hospital after experiencing an opiate overdose. After giving him three doses of antidote he finally stabilized. He is currently in a room for observation,” Carole sat down in one of the plastic chairs.   
  
“I knew this would happen,” Cooper sounded so sad that tears pricked at her eyes. “Will he be alright?”  
  
“We can’t know for sure but he was lucky. Is there any way you and your parents can come down?” Carole asked.   
  
“My parents are out of the country but I can be there in ten minutes,” She heard the jingling of keys and a car engine starting. “Just out of curiosity, you said your last name was Hummel?”  
  
“I’m Kurt’s stepmom. I got to know Blaine very well when they were dating. He’s such a sweet boy,” Carole bit her lip at the heavy sigh.   
  
“Yeah…he was. Thank you for being there. It’s nice to know someone he knows is there,” Cooper’s voice was soft.   
  
“I’ll be in the waiting room to meet you,” Carole stood up. “Now hang up before you get in an accident talking to me.”  
  
“Yes ma’am,” Cooper chuckled softly. “See you soon.”   
  
Carole sighed and tucked the iPhone into the front pocket of her scrubs as she walked into the waiting room. She really didn’t have to stay long before a young man burst through the doors.   
  
“Cooper?” She asked, noticing how similar the Anderson brothers looked. His body relaxed and he hurried up to her. “I’m Carole.”  
  
“It’s so nice to meet you!” She smiled. “Thank you again, so much.”  
  
“I can take you back. The antidote is extremely painful and he might not be all there but you can sit with him,” Cooper nodded quickly and Carole led him through the emergency room.   
  
“This one,” Carole stepped aside and Cooper made his way into the room.   
  
Blaine was curled up, still trembling and breathing heavily. His eyes, now cleaned of their eyeliner, locked on them and he let out a whimper.   
  
“Christ B,” Cooper was pale and walked over to place a hand on Blaine’s back.   
  
“Are…are you going to yell at me?” Blaine said weakly, voice cracking.   
  
“Later,” Cooper ran his fingers through his hair. “You just rest now.”  
  
“Carole?” Blaine tried to sit up and collapsed backwards.   
  
“Yes sweetheart?” She walked into the room and stood at the foot of the bed.   
  
“Please don’t tell Kurt,” Tears flashed in Blaine’s eyes. “Don’t tell him. I don’t want him to know. He can’t know.”


	7. Chapter 7

Blaine slept for an entire day. When he woke he was completely sure he was dying.   
  
“Please go away,” He whispered when Cooper walked into his room. “Just. Get. Out.”  
  
“This is Lydia,” Cooper nodded towards the blonde woman next to him. “And Lydia is a social worker.”  
  
“Hi Blaine it’s so nice to meet you,” She smiled brightly.   
  
“I want to be alone.”  
  
“I’m here to talk to you about your problem,” Lydia said gently an Cooper smiled brightly at him, nodding.   
  
“I don’t have a problem,” Blaine gritted his teeth.   
  
“Course not,” Cooper bit back.  
  
“Seriously, it’s a touch of the flu or something,” He tried to give them a tiny smile but his body shook.   
  
“Your blood tests came back positive for heroin,” Lydia tapped her finger on the chart.   
  
‘Okay,” Blaine laughed hoarsely and held his trembling hands up. “So I went to a party and tried a little. It was my first time and obviously it was a little stronger than I expected.”  
  
“You wouldn’t be in the middle of withdrawal right now if you hadn’t had it multiple times,” Her brown eyes were soft. “Listen Blaine, I work with a lot of drug addicts…”  
  
“I am NOT a drug addict,” His voice came out sharp.   
  
“I know it’s scary. I know it hurts,” Lydia placed a hand on Blaine’s leg and he jerked away quickly. “I was a meth addict for years. Admitting it was the hardest part.”  
  
“So good for you,” Blaine snapped. “Really, that’s impressive but I don’t have a problem. Can I get out of here? I really want to go home.”  
  
“You’re not going home,” Cooper shook his head.   
  
“…what?” The mocking smirk slid off of Blaine’s face.   
  
“I have never, ever been more angry with you. With anyone! I don’t know who this little manipulative, lying junkie is but right now you are not my brother,” Cooper snarled and Blaine’s face went blank.   
  
“So because I party a little hard you’re kicking me out of the house? You can’t do that! You’re not my parent!”   
  
“Who fucking drove you to elementary school? Who picked you up? Who talked to you all night the night you came out because mom and dad were too busy fighting to pay attention? Who sat by your bed for days after you got the shit beaten out of you and who has been here for days after you overdosed on fucking heroin?” Cooper’s eyes were narrowed. “I’ve always been there.”  
  
“You were never there!” Blaine suddenly screamed. “You think that just because you picked me up a few times you deserve brother of the year? You only ever talked about yourself and used me to boost your ego. You’re a pathetic person who is such a failure that you need to constantly put down your little brother to feel good about yourself.”  
  
“Enough!” Lydia held up her hands. “I understand you’re upset Blaine…”  
  
“You don’t understand shit,” He snarled, keeping his eyes on Cooper.   
  
“We can get you help.”  
  
“I don’t need help,” Blaine shook his head sharply. “If I don’t have a home then I will just go live with one of my friends.”  
  
“Which one? The one that gave you syphilis? That also showed up on the tests by the way,” Cooper watched as Blaine curled up slightly. “You call me pathetic but I’m not sleeping with diseased perverts for dope.”  
  
Blaine slouched further and stared at his hands.   
  
“You can choose Blaine,” Cooper leaned forward and braced his hands on the foot of the bed. “Either you continue shooting up and fucking people until you get AIDS or someone chokes you to death while you sleep with him or you can go to a treatment center.”   
  
“Treatment center?” Blaine scowled.   
  
“There are some great ones near by that will be an amazing help to you. You can even continue your high school education if you wish,” Lydia placed some pamphlets on his bed. “It’ll help you.”  
  
“I don’t need help,” Blaine’s eyes flashed.   
  
“Blaine, you’re going to die,” Cooper’s voice cracked and his eyes flashed with tears. “I don’t want to lose you.”  
  
“You wont,” Blaine said softly, staring at his hands again. “Maybe…maybe I have a small…issue.”   
  
“Okay,” Cooper prompted.   
  
“But I really don’t need to go,” He looked up at both of them and his entire body shuddered. “Please…”  
  
“Do you think he can do it on his own?” Cooper turned to Lydia who sighed.   
  
“It’s possible…not recommended though,” She frowned.   
  
“I can do it!” Blaine’s eyes lit up. “I just want to be home. I can do it, I promise. It’s not that had.”  
  
“I can’t force you to do anything you don’t want to do,” She scribbled a note in his chart. “I have several pamphlets and information for you. Young man, I don’t want to see you back in here.”  
  
Blaine nodded enthusiastically and was discharged from the hospital a hour later. As they walked out of his room, Blaine shouldered past Carole and kept his head down.  
  
“It’ll be rough but he can do it if he wants to,” Carole glanced over to Blaine who was swimming in one of Cooper’s oversized hoodies. “Just call if you need me to come by.”  
  
“Thanks for everything,” He smiled gently at her and steered Blaine to the car, making sure he was buckled in before starting the car.  
  
“Can we go get something to eat?” Blaine asked, teeth chattering. “Like…a burger or something?”  
  
“Sure,” Cooper turned the heat on high. He pulled through the first fast food place he could find and got him a burger, fries, and a milkshake before starting to drive home.   
  
Blaine ate his meal in record time, hardly taking a breath and drained his milkshake. He leaned back against the seat and closed his eyes, going quiet.   
  
After a few minutes he squirmed a little and went pale. His eyes snapped open and he let out a soft whimper.   
  
“Pull over the car,” He whispered, making Cooper glance over at him.  
  
“What?”  
  
“Pull over, pull over,” Blaine’s body jerked slightly and he leaned forward as Cooper quickly moved to the shoulder of the road. He flung the door open and leaned out as he threw up harshly.   
  
Cooper took in a shaky breath as Blaine lurched forward again and retched. The young boy’s entire body shook violently as he kept a white-knuckled grip on the side of the door. He gently reached a hand out and placed it on Blaine’s shoulder who jerked away.  
  
“Don’t touch me,” He hissed.   
  
“I’m…I’m sorry,” Cooper whispered, pulling his hand back.   
  
They sat for a few long minutes, Blaine jerking only once more to empty his stomach before he collapsed back into the car. His face shown with sweat and his body shook with fine tremors.   
  
Cooper didn’t say a word and started the car again, pulling out onto the road. He could hear Blaine sniff and cry softly but refused to look at him until they got to the house.   
  
“Do you want something to eat?” He glanced over at his brother.  
  
“No,” Blaine’s eyes were watery and red-rimmed.   
  
“Well…come in and get some sleep,” Cooper walked closely behind his brother and led him into the living room. He tightened his grip on Blaine’s arm as he started walking up the stairs. “Stay down here.”  
  
“I’m tired Cooper,” Blaine glared. “I just want to go to bed.”  
  
“Until I know what’s hidden in your room, you are staying in my sight. I can set you up on the couch,” The younger boy’s eyes flashed.   
  
“I’m just going to sleep. I don’t need you to watch me.”  
  
“Last time I just let you sleep you stole from me and went to fuck your dealer,” Cooper crossed his arms in front of him. “So forgive me if I don’t really trust you.”  
  
“Asshole,” Blaine spat but sat on the couch any way. He scowled at Cooper as he draped a heavy blanket over him.   
  
Cooper sat in a nearby armchair and turned on the television to an old episode of Say Yes to The Dress.   
  
“You know that I’m gay…not a girl right?” Blaine piped up from the couch after a moment.   
  
“I like this show. I like watching the hot chicks squeeze into the see-through cutout dresses,” Cooper shrugged, shooting a grin over his shoulder.   
  
“Gross.”  
  
“We can watch an action movie later that has both hot girls and hot guys okay?” He offered and Blaine shrugged.   
  
“You know these things can last ¬up to ten days right?” Blaine whispered. “I’ve…I’ve looked it up…”  
  
“I know,” Cooper nodded.  
  
“So, you’re just going to sit there for ten days?”  
  
“Blaine, you aren’t going to the bathroom alone,” Cooper shot him a look. “I’m not leaving your side.”  
  
He watched as Blaine’s jaw clenched and he went stiff for a moment before he collapsed backwards. With a heavy sigh, Blaine closed his eyes.   
  
“You said you’ve looked this stuff up,” Cooper watched as his eyes opened a crack. “What did you mean by that?”  
  
“Nothing.”  
  
“I’m so tired of your secrets and lies,” He sighed, feeling exhausted. “Seriously. I am just over it. Tell me what you meant.”  
  
“I thought about quitting,” Blaine whispered after a long moment. “There are a few times where I’ve tried to stopped but it feels so good.”  
  
“It’s killing you,” Cooper said softly.  
  
“I know,” Blaine closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “But compared to the depressing, hopeless life I was living a painless death doesn’t sound too bad. I’d rather die happy than live miserable. Every time I tried quitting I remembered that.”  
  
“I’d rather you live happily,” Tears pricked at the corners of Blaine’s eyes and he blinked rapidly.   
  
“I don’t know if that’s a choice anymore.”  
  
“It’s always a choice B,” Cooper said gently. “You’ll see. Christmas is in a few weeks and we’ll be celebrating just like we used to.”  
  
“With a box of pizza and a tub of ice cream while mom and dad are off on some amazing trip,” The corners of his lips quirked up.   
  
“Classic Anderson brother Christmas,” Cooper took a long drink from his water bottle. “They should make a Christmas movie out of us.”  
  
The rest of the night was spent watching bad television and eating some canned tomato soup and grilled cheese. Blaine fell fast asleep around eight and Cooper took the time to surround him with soft pillows and blankets.   
  
He sat back down on the armchair and opened up one of the bottles of soda he had brought with him. If Blaine was going to go through this then he wasn’t going through it alone. Cooper would stay awake as long as he could to keep a eye on his brother.  
  
Sometime in the middle of the night Blaine whimpered and squirmed. He let out a sharp gasp and sat up, staggering to his feel.   
  
“Take it easy,” Cooper gently took Blaine’s arm.  
  
Blaine whimpered and shook his head. With a trembling breath he started his way to the bathroom, helped by his brother. Much to Cooper’s dismay, Blaine was hardly able to walk he was shaking so badly.   
  
He just made it to the toilet before he threw up the small dinner he had eaten. Trembling violently, Blaine braced himself on the toilet as he heaved up stomach acid.   
  
“Fuck,” He sobbed weakly. “Oh fuck.”  
  
“You’re alright,” Cooper rubbed his back.   
  
“I…I can’t breathe,” Blaine choked out, gasping through another wave of dry heaving. “Fuck I’m dying.”  
  
Cooper quickly turned the shower on and started a hot bath. He pulled Blaine’s shaking body back against his chest and just held him as the water filled up.   
  
“Let’s get your clothes off,” Cooper helped Blaine strip off his sweat soaked clothes until he was just trembling in his boxers. He helped Blaine sit down in the warm water until his trembling calmed a little.   
  
“I feel like my bones are all being compressed,” Blaine breathed, staring straight ahead until his face contorted into agony. “Like I’m dying slowly from the inside out.”  
  
“I know it hurts,” Blaine’s body jerked and he leaned forward moaning. “Maybe sitting in the hot water will help you with the aches.”  
  
“No, no, no,” Blaine sobbed and he shook his head. “Please Cooper, I just need…a little…I need something.”  
  
“No,” Cooper shook his head.   
  
“I have some in my room. Just take a tiny bit and bring it to me. I just need enough to take away the pain,” His eyes were bright and pleading. “Please.”  
  
“I can’t do that.”  
  
“Cooper, if you ever loved me you would get me the stuff. Please Cooper I know you care. I know you don’t want to see me hurt,” Tears streamed down his face and Cooper felt his chest clench. “This is a million times worse than the dance. Cooper it hurts so much.”  
  
“This is ending now Blaine,” Cooper couldn’t meet his eye as Blaine sobbed. “I’m not going to help you with your habit.”  
  
“Cooper, Cooper,” Blaine’s trembling hand grabbed his. “I know this was so stupid. I’m so, so sorry for what I’ve done but I need you to help me. You’re my big brother. Help me.”  
  
“Blaine no.”  
  
“Fuck you!” He suddenly screamed, jerking his hand back so fast water splashed everywhere. “Fuck you! You think you’re being some kind of savior but you’re an asshole. You’re just like the guys who beat me up. You’re just like them.”  
  
“I’m not,” Cooper felt his throat tighten.   
  
“You are. They wanted to see me in pain too,” Blaine’s eyes took on a dark glint. “I think they fucking got off on it. You like being in control of me. Like taking the fag down a peg. Teaching me a lesson huh?”   
  
Cooper sat there silently, refusing to answer.   
  
“You can’t even let me have one tiny bit of happiness can you?” Blaine snarled. “Can’t let me have anything.”  
  
Silently, Cooper reached for the tap and added more hot water.


	8. Chapter 8

            When Blaine woke up it was still dark outside. Every muscle in his body was on fire and his stomach rolled painfully. With a shaky breath, he pried his dry eyes open and tried to figure out where he was.

            They were in Cooper’s room. He had no idea how he got there but Cooper was fast asleep beside him, an arm wrapped around his chest. A faint pang of guilt made his chest ache as he saw dried tear tracks on his brother’s cheeks but the pain of muscle spasms quickly overcame it.

            He tried to even his breathing and slipped out from his brother’s grip. Stumbling a few times Blaine leaned against the doorframe and panted.

            Cooper muttered in his sleep and Blaine froze, staring back at him with wide eyes. As soon as his brother fell back asleep Blaine hurried into his room and fell to his knees, digging under the bed.

            He let out a sob when his hand came in contact with the bag taped to his mattress. Trembling, he pulled it out and his entire body slumped in relief. As his fingers came in contact with the powder a strong hand grabbed his wrist and jerked him back.

            “What the fuck are you doing?”

            “Please Cooper!” His voice was high pitched and strangled. “Just a little.”

            Cooper’s hand tangled in his sweaty t-shirt and dragged him to the bathroom, Blaine’s knees scrambling on the tile. He let out a scream as Cooper dumped the baggie out into the toilet.

            “No!” He shrieked and tried to throw himself at the toilet to get the last bit as Cooper flushed it and kicked him back. Blaine shook and sobbed as he fell against the bathtub and tried to curl up.

            “Do you have any more?” Cooper’s voice was hard.

            Blaine tried to curl up even more and shook violently as he sobbed.

            “Blaine!” A strong hand grabbed the back of his neck and shook it. “Is there any more?”

            “No,” Blaine shook his head weakly.

            “Liar! Where is it?” The hand tightened and Blaine cried out.

            “Okay! It’s in my bedside table,” He watched with wide, wet eyes as Cooper found another bag and flushed it.

            Shaking, Blaine stared ahead and tried to ignore the stomach cramps that made his stomach feel like it was being ripped apart. He let out a weak cry and leaned over, tears streaming down his face.

            “Come on,” Cooper pulled him up and practically dragged him back to the older brother’s room. As soon as Blaine hit the bed he curled into a ball.

            “I don’t want to do this Cooper,” He shook. “Don’t make me do this.”

            “Drink,” Cooper put a bendy straw in a cup of water and pressed it to Blaine’s lips, making sure he sipped.

            “Please Cooper,” Blaine whimpered, kneeling on the bed. “I’ll do it later. I…I’m not ready now. I can do it in a few weeks I swear.”

            “Go back to sleep.”

            “Please,” Blaine sobbed harshly, falling forward. “God, please Cooper.”

            “I’ll be right outside.”

            Blaine let out a sharp scream as Cooper stepped out and held the door shut. He closed his eyes tightly as he heard his younger brother panic and yank frantically on the door.

            “Please! Please, please, please!” Blaine screamed. “Cooper, big brother, please.”

            Cooper braced himself against the wall and held the door shut.

~*~

            Kurt could hardly contain his smile as he flung himself at his father. It had been a long, painful process and Isabelle had to pull a lot of strings but he was so glad to get an entire week off for the Thanksgiving holidays.

            “I missed you dad!” He grinned and gave his father one last squeeze before pulling away.

            “I missed you so much,” Burt smiled softly and patted him on the back. “How about we grab us some chili dogs on the way home? A welcome home treat?”

            “How about we go home and eat the healthy lunch Carole made for us,” Kurt patted his father on the arm.

            Rolling his eyes, Burt led his son out of the airport and got him home. As soon as he stepped into the house he was pulled into a tight hug by Carole. Finn tackled him shortly after and soon the family was sitting around the table eating the paninis Carole had made.

            “You keep checking your phone,” Kurt pointed out after the seventh time she glanced at her phone. “Is everything alright?”

            “Yeah…I’m just checking in on a…patient…” Carole looked a little uncomfortable.

            “But I thought you had the day off,” Finn frowned, confused.

            “I do but I wanted to keep an eye on him personally. He’s…a friend,” Carole turned back to the fruit on her plate.

            “Is he alright?” Kurt asked, noting the concern on her face.

            “No,” She shook her head. “But I think he will be.”

            Kurt stared at her for a long time before turning back to his lunch. Unease gnawed at his stomach for a long moment before he turned to Finn.

            “So, as assistant director of the New Directions, how are they doing?” Kurt took a bite of his panini.

            “They’re doing awesome. We’re in the middle of Grease which is super fun and preparing for competition season which is harder since Blaine…oh…” Finn’s cheeks flushed and he stared down at his plate.

            “Since he quit?” Kurt asked. “It’s fine Finn. How…how is he doing?”

            He winced at how curious he sounded.

            “I don’t know. He doesn’t show up to school much,” Kurt noticed that Carole stiffened. “He started dressing different and got really snappy and rude. I really don’t know what’s wrong with him.”

            “Hmm, well sometimes guilt manifests itself in strange ways,” Kurt spat.

            “You really don’t know what you’re talking about,” Carole spoke up suddenly, startling everyone into silence. “You don’t even know what’s going on with him.”

            “I know enough. I know he cheated on me and that he’s sleeping around,” Kurt quickly said back, ignoring his father’s surprised gasp. Then he noticed Carole’s expression. “Wait…do you know something?”

            “Mom?”

            “Is he the patient you were talking about?” Carole’s guilty expression made Kurt’s jaw drop. “Why? What happened? Is he okay?”

            “Dude, I thought you didn’t care,” Finn mumbled.

            “Carole, please tell me…is he okay?” Kurt insisted.

            “This is so much bigger than you can imagine,” Carole whispered. “He’s not okay but I’m trying to help him.”

            “What happened?” Kurt felt his body go cold.

            “I can’t say…”

            “He’s not a technical patient. You aren’t bound by the law to keep quiet,” Kurt’s eyes were wide. “I just want to know that he’s going to be okay. Can I see him?”

            “Kurt, maybe you should wait a bit,” Burt said gently and was brushed off by his son.

            “Carole. Tell me what’s wrong or I will go and see him by myself.”

            “Listen, I’m going to go check on him after lunch. I think it’ll be good for him to see you but if they ask you to leave you have to leave,” Carole pursed her lips.

            “I understand,” Kurt nodded quickly. “Can we go now?”

            “Alright,” Carole sighed and stood, grabbing her kit of first aid supplies. “Let’s go.”

            As Kurt hurried after his stepmother he could hear Finn ask Burt what was going on but all his focus was on her.

            “The story is not for me to tell Kurt,” Carole started the car and pulled out of the driveway. “Just know that he’s in a really bad place. His brother and I have been helping him but he’s not going to look good.”

            Kurt stayed silent, going over the different scenarios in his head. Had his boyfriend hurt him? Was Blaine abused and needed Carole to take care of him? By the time they arrived at the house, Kurt had worked himself up into a panic.

            Silently, Carole walked up to the front door and knocked.

            “Hi!” Cooper answered the door, looking exhausted. The man, who usually prided himself on his appearance, was wearing sweat pants and a t-shirt. His hair was a mess and his eyes had dark circles under them. “…Kurt?”

            “Hi,” Kurt said softly.

            “He insisted on coming. I didn’t tell him anything but I really think it would be good for Blaine to see him,” She hesitated. “But if you don’t want to, we will respect that.”

            “He needs as much support as he can get,” Cooper sighed and they heard the horrible sound of someone retching from the living room. “Shit, come in.”

            Kurt’s heart pounded as he followed Cooper into the living room.

            Blaine was hanging halfway off the couch, spitting stomach acid into a nearby bowl. With a sigh, Cooper grabbed a nearby wet towel and placed it on the back of his neck.

            “Fuck Coop,” Blaine’s voice was incredibly hoarse.

            “Hi sweetheart,” Carole knelt down by him and he looked up miserably at her. “Have you eaten today?”

            “He hasn’t be able to keep food down for three days,” Blaine’s entire body violently shook and Cooper quickly wrapped him in one of the many blankets scattered around the living room.

            “I’m dying,” Blaine whispered making Kurt gasp softly. His head snapped up and hazy eyes locked on Kurt’s wide ones.

            “Oh Blaine,” Kurt hesitated for a moment before kneeling down in front of him.

            “I’ll go make you some tea,” Carole walked into the kitchen.

            “What are you doing here?” Blaine croaked. “Are…are you even here?”

            “I’m here,” Kurt’s heart broke as Blaine’s eyes flickered around the room.

            He reached a hand out to rub Blaine’s shoulder but the other boy jerked back violently. Blaine scrambled back against the couch staring down at him with something akin to horror etched on his face.

            “Why are you here?” He asked again.

            “Carole told me you weren’t doing well.”

            “I need you to leave. Cooper make him go,” Panic made Blaine scramble halfway up the back of the couch. “Get out. Get out. Get. Out.”

            “I…I want to help,” Kurt tried to not shrink down.

            “You hate me.”

            “I don’t hate you,” Kurt stayed back, not wanted to freak Blaine out any more.

            “You should,” He swayed badly, needing to be caught by Cooper and leaned back. “You should hate me.”

            “Blaine, you’re upset. You need to eat something and go back to sleep,” Cooper said gently, squeezing his shoulder.

            “No he needs to know. If you knew Kurt you would get as far away from me as possible,” Tears filled his eyes. “He needs to know that I’ve slept with so many men. He needs to know that I begged for it. He needs to know that I did horrible, perverted things in order to get another drink or a hit.”

            “A hit?” Kurt’s face went pale.

            “Mmhmm, I’d do anything for a little bit of dope. Anything for feeling numb. Anything to chase away the craving to kill myself,” His body grew stiffer and stiffer as he spoke, eyes flashing.

            “Blaine you need to calm down,” Cooper tried to get his brother’s attention.

            “I wont run,” Kurt said gently. “Is that what this is?”

            “He overdosed a few days ago,” Cooper said gently. “He’s going through withdrawal now. It’s been absolute hell.”

            “I deserve it though,” Blaine nodded sharply, body moving with the nods and nearly falling off the couch. “I deserve it for being so stupid, and pathetic, and whorish, and…”

            “Stop that,” Kurt snapped. “I don’t know what happened Blaine but I want to. You’re important to me.”

            “No I’m not.”

            “You are. You’re the most important thing in my world,” Kurt reached forward and took Blaine’s shaking hand, smiling when he didn’t pull away. “It’s true that you hurt me but I never, ever stopped loving you.”

            “I don’t want you to touch me,” Blaine whispered and Kurt quickly pulled his hands back. “I’m sorry. I don’t want you to touch me.”

            “Okay,” Kurt nodded.

            Blaine suddenly jerked forward, curling up and whimpering. He let himself fall to the side and shook, eyes sliding closed. The room was silent as Cooper gently rubbed his back until they realized Blaine had fallen asleep.

            “Was this because of me?” Kurt whispered, pulling his knees up to his chest.

            “I don’t know,” Cooper shrugged. “I don’t think so. I had no idea he was in trouble until Sebastian and Dave called me. I guess…I didn’t pay attention either.”

            “I just thought he had a new boyfriend,” Tears filled Kurt’s eyes and he wiped at them angrily. “I was so mad at him but I never wanted this to happen. Please know that.”

            “I know,” Cooper kept rubbing his brother’s back.

            “I don’t know if I can take him back after what he did. I don’t know if I can forgive him,” The younger boy sighed.

            “You know he didn’t sleep with Eli right? Blaine has a tendency to…blow things out of proportion. Hell, he thought you were cheating on him with texts,” Cooper shot Kurt a look. “He went to the guy’s house and after a bit the guy started getting physical. He told me that he left right after but he felt so guilty he had to tell you. He might have left out some key details.”

            “I didn’t know,” Kurt shook his head. “I was just so angry.”

            “Understandably angry,” Cooper sighed. “You thought he cheated on you.”

            “I refused to talk to him for weeks because I still love him. I was waiting for it to fade but it never did,” Kurt wiped his eyes. “So when I call and he answered the phone in bed with another man I lost it.”

            Cooper nodded and leaned back against the couch.

            “He could have died. If the guy didn’t call an ambulance he would have died on that overdose,” His voice was small. “I’m not saying you need to take him back and get married but he needs support. He doesn’t have many people here for him.”

            “I want to help.”

            “How long are you here for?” Cooper’s eyes flashed. “A few days? This isn’t a short term project. Don’t say you’re going to be here and leave. He deserves more than that.”

            “He does,” Kurt’s heart broke. “I wasn’t the boyfriend he deserved before. I didn’t talk to him or pay any attention to him. I knew he was lonely and did nothing to help. But…I hope I can be a friend to him for now.” 


	9. Chapter 9

         Kurt stared blankly at the French toast sizzling in the pan. For two days he had stayed awake, helping Blaine through the pain of withdrawal and allowing Cooper to finally sleep.

            “That smells good,” Cooper said sleepily as he walked into the kitchen.

            “Cooking helps me relax,” Kurt put a few pieces on a plate, poured some syrup over them, and handed it over. “Let me know if you want more.”

            Cooper nodded and took a huge bite, sinking down into a chair.

            “Do you think Blaine wants any?” Kurt placed two more slices into the pan.

            “Maybe, make a few and we can ask…”

            “I would appreciate you not talking about me behind my back,” Blaine’s icy voice startled them both.

            He stood in the doorway, glaring darkly at both of them. A pair of old plaid pajama pants hung low on his hips and he was shirtless. Despite the sweat covering his forehead he was shivering and had a comforter wrapped around his shoulders.

            “We were just talking about saving you some food,” Cooper perked up a little, seeing Blaine walking around. “Want to eat?”

            “No.”

            Blaine walked to the fridge and grabbed a bottle of water. Without another glance at them he turned around to walk back out.

            “How about you sit with us?” Cooper gave him a smile.

            “I’d rather not.”

            The older man deflated slightly as he watched his brother shuffle out of the kitchen into the living room. With a sigh he turned back to his French toast and took another bite.

            “Well…he looks better.”

            “More or less,” Cooper shrugged and Carole walked in, sitting at the table with them. She placed a few pamphlets on the table in front of Cooper and gave him a small smile.

            “He is doing better so now might be a good time to get him into a rehab program,” She tapped a finger on the pamphlets.

            “I thought that was what we were doing here,” Kurt took a seat as well.

            “He’s just going through detox now. The problem isn’t the drugs it’s what led him to it. I know this wonderful rehab clinic that has services for high school students. I have a friend who works there as a counselor and she is also an interventionist.”

            “I don’t know,” Cooper looked down at the pamphlets, eyes flashing with worry.

            “Without proper help he might go right back to using as soon as he can,” Carole placed a hand on his arm. “Just let me know and I will call her.”

            “Okay,” Cooper sighed. “Call her and let her come over.”

            Carole smiled and nodded, dialing a number on her phone and walking into the back room to talk.

            Kurt heated up a bowl of chicken noddle soup, grabbed a few saltines and a ginger ale, and walked into the living room.

            “I have some soup for you,” He said softly, placing the bowl and crackers on the table. Blaine’s eyes flickered from the television over to him and back again.

            “I’m not hungry,” He mumbled.

            “I know but you have to eat. At least take a few crackers,” Kurt nudged the box.

            “Don’t you have to go back to New York now?” Blaine leaned against the end of the couch, moving away from Kurt.

            “No,” Kurt shook his head. “I called my boss and told her I had an emergency and she gave me another week.”

            “Wow, it’s so nice that your schedule is so flexible,” Blaine said slowly, keeping his eyes locked on the television.

            “Okay,” Kurt winced and rubbed the back of his neck. “Can I sit here?”

            “I don’t care,” Blaine’s body stiffened but he still didn’t look at him. “Not like people really listen to what I say anyway.”

            “You’re right,” Kurt sat down on the floor against the couch finally making Blaine look down at him. “I didn’t listen to you. Maybe if I had none of this would have happened.”

            “Mmhmm, because it’s all about you,” Blaine voice sounded airy.

            Kurt pulled his knees up and sighed. He had no idea what to say. He had no idea who this blank, cold person was sitting in front of him but he wasn’t the sweet boyfriend Kurt had left in Ohio.

            “I just want to see you get better,” He whispered and Blaine’s body relaxed slightly.

            He moved forward, startling Kurt, and took the box of saltines before burrowing back into the blankets.

            A few days later the interventionist came. Blaine knew about it and after the initial shouting match he had just decided to stay quiet.

            Tabitha Williams was a young brunette who wore cardigans and a bright smile. She kept smiling warmly at Blaine which only made him feel more uncomfortable and squirm in his chair.

            “So, we all know why we’re here,” she said slowly, patting the binder on her lap. “I would like to start by going around the room and having everyone say what they feel to Blaine. Cooper, how about you start?”

            “Okay,” Cooper looked uncomfortable for a moment. “Blaine you’re worrying me. I’ve tried to be a good brother, especially since mom and dad aren’t always here, but maybe I didn’t pay as much attention as I should have.”

            Blaine snorted in laughter.

            “Blaine, let Cooper finish,” Tabitha broke in.

            “I’ve tried, maybe not tried hard enough, but I’ve tried. I remember that for months after that dance I had nightmares that I was going to get another phone call telling me that you were…well I was terrified. So, when I got the call telling me that you were in trouble all those nightmares returned,” Cooper looked down at his hands. “I don’t want to ever get that call Blaine.”

            “Can I say something back?” Blaine said softly after a moment.

            “Let everyone else talk first.”

            “Fine,” He huffed and slouched in his seat.

            “Carole?”

            “Blaine, sweetheart,” Carole started, giving him a smile. “You were part of our family. You still are. When I first met you I was astounded by what a lovely, sweet boy you were and I hate to see that person disappear. That’s…that’s all I wanted to say,”

            Blaine stayed quiet.

            “Thank you. Kurt? You’re turn,” Tabitha gave him a warm smile.

            “Um…well…” Kurt blinked rapidly and swallowed. “Blaine you aren’t the person I fell in love with any more.”

            He refused to look at Blaine but heard the shaky breath.

            “I know that I’m partially to blame but I want to help you. I want you to be healthy and happy and maybe we’re not together anymore but I don’t want to see you in pain. I want to help you go back to who you were.”

            “Thank you everyone,” Tabitha smiled around at the small group. “Now Blaine, is there anything you would like to say?”

            “No one sees me,” Blaine whispered.

            “No one sees you? What do you mean no one sees you?” Cooper leaned forward.

            “Kurt you said that you want to help me go back to who I was. I don’t even know who that is,” Blaine’s eyebrows furrowed. “I do what other people tell me to do because it’s easy. The last time I tried to really be myself I came out at my old school and was beaten so badly that I was hospitalized. So I blend in. It’s what I do.

            I put on the blazer and became the perfect Dalton boy. I met you and became a mentor. I started dating you and became the good boyfriend. You told me you liked me wearing sweater vests so I bought sweater vests. You said you were lonely at McKinley so I moved schools. You told me to stop talking to Sebastian and the Warblers so I did.

            I know that the Glee club only put up with me because of you. They ignored me when you left and I was alone. Whenever I tried to talk to you I was ignored. You only ever talked about yourself and I tried to be supportive but I was so alone. Eli talked to me and complimented me. He actually wanted me and didn’t treat me like a burden. I knew it was wrong, I knew it was so wrong but I went over. I didn’t do anything because I felt so bad and flew to New York. I needed to tell you and I needed you to understand but you refused to even talk to me.”

            Blaine took in a shaky breath and wiped his eyes before continuing.

            “The guys I went with made me feel wanted. They made me feel attractive, sexy, and like I was worth something so I let them do anything. I let them hurt me and…” He let out a sob and covered his mouth. “Sorry…the…the heroin made me happy and feel safe. I liked it and would be perfectly happy just continuing with it. I know you say that it’s changing me but it’s been so long since I was just myself…I have to wonder if this is who I really am.”

            “Blaine, if you had felt this way you should have let us know,” Cooper’s voice sounded strangled with tears.

            “No one would have listened,” He sounded so sad that tears began to trickle down Kurt’s cheeks.

            “We can work harder,” Kurt promised.

            “Blaine you know that I work for Sunrise Rehabilitation Clinic,” Tabitha gently rubbed his back as he wiped at his eyes. “We have a program for ninety days geared towards getting you sober. We have tutors who can help you keep up with your lessons so you don’t fall behind.”

            “Ninety days?” Blaine’s voice was soft.

            “There is a catch. As wonderful as all of your support is we don’t allow any contact with your friends or family for the entire duration of your stay,” Blaine stiffened and looked panicked.

            “I can’t talk to anyone?”

            “You said it yourself, you cling to what people think of you. It’s the best way to help you figure out who you are,” Tabitha closed the binder. “Your brother has a bag packed so we can head out as soon as we’re done here.”

            “We’re leaving now?” Blaine’s eyes widened.

            “The sooner the better,” Tabitha rubbed his back. “It’s for the best.”

            Blaine wrung his hands together for a few moments before nodding. Everyone stood and it looked like Blaine was close to crying.

            “It’s too quick,” Blaine shook his head sharply. “I don’t know…I don’t know if I can do this.”

            “You can,” Cooper swept him into a tight hug. He held his brother for a long time before releasing him, both of them wiping tears off their cheek. “I’m proud of you Blaine. You’re going to go work on yourself and I’m going to work hard to be a better brother for you.”

            Blaine eyes swam with tears and he took in a deep breath. He shot Carole a smile and stared at Kurt for a long time before giving him a tiny one as well. After a moment of hesitation, he took the duffle bag Cooper handed him and walked to Tabitha’s car with her.

            His hand hovered over the door handle for just a moment before he turned and flung himself in Kurt’s arms.

            “I’m sorry,” He whispered into Kurt’s ear. “I’m so sorry for everything.”

            “I know,” Kurt squeezed him back. “I just want you to get better.”

            “I’ll try,” Blaine promised, pulling back and giving him a small shaky smile. “I guess I’ll see you in ninety days…oh…wait you’re back in New York. I guess I’ll…”

            “I’ll be here,” Kurt rubbed his shoulders.

            “Okay,” Blaine stepped back at smiled at them all before sliding into the passenger seat. “I’ll see you soon.”

            “Love you Blaine, I’ll be here when you’re done,” Cooper smiled tearfully at his brother.

            Blaine paused for a moment before shutting the door, giving Kurt a sad smile and pressing a hand to the glass of the window. Kurt gave him a smile back and pressed his hand on the other side before the car started and pulled out of the driveway.


	10. Chapter 10

Sunrise Rehabilitation Clinic was ridiculous.   
  
The building was made to look like an old fashioned wood cabin. It was nestled deep in the forest next to a lake. The amount of old furniture made him feel like he was in his grandparent’s house and the cheery motivational posters made him feel sick.   
  
“You’ll be in the Hemingway room,” Tabitha said cheerfully as she opened the door.   
  
“The Hemmingway room?”  
  
“All of our rooms are named after famous authors,” She turned on the light and he followed in. “So here’s your bed, your dresser, your closet, and you get your own bathroom which is right through there.”   
  
Blaine stared blankly at the faded yellow quilt and flowery wallpaper. He placed his duffle bag on the bed.   
  
“Here’s your orientation packet. It includes a map and your daily schedule,” She handed over a packet. “So do you have any questions?”  
  
“Nope,” Blaine fiddled with the envelope.  
  
“Now, dinner ended just as we got here but if you want we can go down to the kitchen and get you something to eat,” She smiled warmly.   
  
“I’m really not hungry,” Blaine mumbled.   
  
“Okay, I’m sure you much be tired. I’ll let you settle in then. Lights out are at eleven,” She patted him on the back. “Rest well, I’ll see you in the morning.”   
  
The door clicked shut behind her and Blaine flopped down on his bed, pulling out his schedule.   
  
 _6:30am: Wake Up  
  
7:00am: Scheduled Nature Walk  
  
7:30am: Breakfast  
  
8:00am: Room Checks  
  
8:30am: Group Session  
  
9:40am: Lessons  
  
11:45am: Lunch  
  
12:45pm: Group Session  
  
2:30pm: Homework or Tutoring   
  
3:30pm: Individual Session   
  
4:30pm: Dinner  
  
5:15pm: Scheduled Nature Walk  
  
5:45pm: Group Recreation   
  
7:00pm: 12 Step Meeting  
  
8:00pm: Free time and Snack  
  
8:30pm: Homework  
  
11:00pm: Lights Out _  
  
He read through it a few more times before sighing and turning to stare at the ceiling. This was jail. He was stuck in jail.   
  
“Lights out,” A charming female voice rang over the intercom and all the lights in his room shut off.   
  
“Fuck,” He sighed.   
  
The next morning came far too quick. All his lights flickered on and that same voice came on the intercom.  
  
“Good morning residents! In thirty minutes we will be going on our nature walk. After we will have a breakfast of scrambled eggs, bacon, fruit, and biscuits.”  
  
Blaine scowled and burrowed further under his blankets, pulling them over his head. He was just about to fall back asleep when someone knocked on his door.   
  
“Blaine?” The door opened. “Good morning!”  
  
“What the hell?” Blaine spun around glaring icily at Tabitha. “You cant just walk into my room.”  
  
“I can,” She just smiled. “Now get up and get on some thick sweat pants and a heavy coat. It’s cold out there.”  
  
“I’m not really up for a walk,” Blaine lay back down.   
  
“It’s not an option. You have to go,” She said cheerfully and yanked his covers away. “Now up you go!”   
  
Blaine grumbled and pulled on his clothes before following sullenly behind her. She waved hello to the other residents she passed but Blaine kept his head down.   
  
“Alright, let’s head out!” A tall blonde man waved the small group onto a path leading into the woods.   
  
“So you’re the new guy?” A man, dark haired and thin, smiled at Blaine. “I heard you got here last night. I’m Clyde.”  
  
Blaine just hunched his shoulder forward.   
  
“I didn’t feel like talking much either when I got here,” Clyde continued. “I’m on day twenty nine now. It’s not too bad.”  
  
“It’s where everyone wants to be,” Blaine said slowly and some people glanced among themselves. “The vacation destination.”  
  
“Ah, you just got through detox huh?” Clyde laughed loudly and Blaine finally turned to really look at him.   
  
The man had to be over six and a half feet. While he was wearing a thick coat and hat Blaine could still make out tattoos climbing up his neck and piercings through his ear, lip, and eyebrow.  
  
“Don’t worry we were all bitches when we got here,” A woman laughed next to him.   
  
“Be nice!” She slapped his arm and rolled her eyes. “Sorry hun, he’s a little blunt. I’m Carrie.”  
  
“Charmed.”  
  
“This morning walks do take a while to get used to but eventually they become one of the best parts of the day. You’ll get the hang of it Q-Tip,” She pushed Clyde again.   
  
“Q-Tip?” Blaine frowned up at her.   
  
“Yeah…you’re tiny, skinny, an have a puff of hair. Q-Tip,” Carrie shrugged.   
  
“So we have to do this every morning?” Blaine tugged his coat tighter around himself. The frosty air nipped at his nose.   
  
“Yup,” Carrie kicked at Clyde’s feet who just laughed and jumped out of the way.   
  
“Christ,” Blaine scowled and hurried up to get away from them. The two just shared a look and shrugged, just continuing on with their walk.   
  
The warmth of the center was a welcome relief from the icy morning air and Blaine stomped his feet a few times on the hardwood. To his surprise every room had a fireplace that was lit.   
  
“Come on Q-Tip,” Carrie wrapped an arm around his shoulders and steered him into a room with several tables. “You sit with us.”   
  
“I’m really not hungry,” He tried to shrug her off, desperate to get back to his room.   
  
“You need to eat kiddo,” Clyde placed large hands on his shoulders and pushed him into a chair. He put a plate of food in front of him and anger welled up in his chest. Both Carrie and Clyde sat on either side of him and started eating.   
  
“Eat,” Carrie prodded him.   
  
“Don’t tell me what to do!” Blaine shouted sharply and the room went silent.   
  
“There you are,” Clyde smiled slightly.  
  
“You two be nice to the new guy,” Tabitha sat at the table with them. “Blaine if you don’t want to eat you don’t have to but we do ask that you stay in here with us.”  
  
Blaine pushed his plate away and slouched down, staring at the eggs and fruit.   
  
“So Clyde, how far along are you on your painting?” Tabitha spread butter on a biscuit and smiled.   
  
As soon as breakfast finished he was allowed to escape to his room but it wasn’t long before he was joined by Tabitha.   
  
“I need to look through your room,” She seemed a little apologetic as she started looking through his room. “I just need to check for contraband.”  
  
“Seriously?” Blaine raised his eyebrows.   
  
“We do it with everyone the entire time they are with us,” She explained. After a thorough look she stood up, satisfied. “Wonderful! Now, we ask that you make your bed and tidy up every morning. So…if you would.”  
  
“Really?” Blaine took a step back. “I’m not going to have you act like my mom and make me make my bed.”  
  
“Then you’ll miss out on recreation later,” She shrugged.   
  
After a long pause, Blaine scowled and quickly made his bed.   
  
“Wonderful! Let’s go to group,” She steered him down the hallway again, ignoring the tense set of his shoulders. They walked up to a room with a cheerful, smiling sun painted on the door.   
  
“Everyone,” Tabitha announced to a group of about six, Clyde and Carrie included. “This is our newest group member Blaine, I expect you to welcome him.”  
  
With a sigh, Blaine sunk down into a metal folding chair and stared at his hands.   
  
“Our topic for today is what sobriety means to you,” Tabitha pulled over a whiteboard and sat in the circle. “Who wants to go first?”  
  
“I’ll go,” Clyde raised his hand slightly.   
  
“Wonderful, introduce yourself then,” Tabitha opened her notebook and gave him a reassuring smile.   
  
“My name is Clyde Daws and this is my twenty ninth day here,” He gave the group and smile and nodded. “For me sobriety is freedom. When I was on dope I was tied to it. I didn’t give a shit about my girlfriend, my job, or my kid. My life was planned around getting my next hit. Now, I don’t have to wonder if I can get through a movie with my son without shooting up or worrying about it for hours. I finally have the chance to live my life. Sobriety gave me more than being sober did.”  
  
A few people nodded and mumbled their agreement.   
  
“Thank you for sharing Clyde, Allan will you go next?”   
  
The group went in a circle, expressing exactly how sobriety was helping them. Blaine couldn’t help but notice that everyone in the group had been there at least twenty days and felt his insides go cold when Tabitha turned to him.   
  
“Blaine? What does it mean to you?”  
  
“Um…” He leaned forward and studied the wood grain on the hardwood floors. “I don’t really have anything to add.”  
  
“Are you sure?” Her calculating gaze made him clench his jaw.   
  
“There is no judgment in this group,” Carrie said gently which only made him angrier. “We’ve all been through it.”  
  
“You can say anything,” Tabitha touched his shoulder and he jerked away.   
  
“Do you know what sobriety means to me? It means being alone. It means being hated. It means being scared and hurt and empty. It fucking terrifies me,” His hands shook and he felt his cheeks heat up when the room was silent.   
  
“I tried to kill myself a week after I finished detoxing,” Clyde spoke up. “All I knew for years was the drugs. The idea of living without the thing that had been numbing me all those years was beyond horrifying. Kid, we understand.”  
  
“I don’t think you do,” Blaine could feel his forehead prickle with sweat. “I don’t know if I really want to be sober. You all talked about sobriety meaning being aware, being free and making your own happiness. I’m here because my brother wants me to be here. I was miserable before and don’t want to go back to that.”  
  
The room was silent and Blaine winced as his muscles jumped.   
  
“Do you have anything else to share?” Tabitha said gently.   
  
“No.”  
  
“Alright, thank you. I hope you know Blaine that everyone in this room is here for you. We learn from each other and help each other grow,” Tabitha placed a hand on his back and again he jerked away.   
  
“Great.”  
  
“Does anyone have anything to add? We still have time,” Tabitha smiled at the group.   
  
“I wanted to mention something about creativity,” Clyde spoke up. “I paint. I’m kind of the classic fucked up artist, turning to drugs and shooting up in people’s lofts because I thought it made me more artsy. I never painted on drug. I could never find inspiration or motivation. Since I’ve been here I’ve done thirteen paintings. It’s impossible to look beyond the tiny box you’re in when you’re on drugs.”  
  
“Your paintings are amazing. They’re hanging in the rec room for anyone who wants to see,” Tabitha grinned and made a few notes. “Alright, we’re going to break for classes now. Thanks for sharing everyone.”  
  
“Tabitha,” Blaine grabbed her sleeve as she started walking out. “I really need to get some rest. I don’t think I can go through lessons. I really don’t.”  
  
“I understand it’s exhausting at first,” Tabitha nodded. “But you can’t break schedule. Just go, you might enjoy it.”  
  
“I really don’t think I want to,” Blaine shook his head weakly.   
  
“How about if I sit with you?”  
  
“Yeah…that’s not really going to help,” He shrugged.   
  
“I’m sorry but it’s not an option,” She gave him a small smile. “Now come on.”  
  
Blaine followed behind, scowling, as she led him to a small study. She introduced him to his tutor, an older woman named Mary, and they started on his calculus.  
  
Having something to focus on besides his feelings actually made a huge difference and he found himself really enjoying the lesson. When Mary closed his books and gave him his homework he was almost sad to go to lunch.   
  
“Blaine! Over here!” Clyde waved his hand and a plate was handed to him.   
  
He hesitated for a moment before sitting down at their table and taking a small bite of pasta salad. He half listened to the chatter of the table as he ate.   
  
“So, I’ve started reading the West Side Story screenplay, just for fun you know?” Carrie said excitedly. “It’s based off Romeo and Juliet right? So Juliet is Maria and Romeo is Toby. It follows the plot but it’s set in…”  
  
“Tony,” Blaine spoke up.  
  
“I’m sorry?”  
  
“It’s Tony, not Toby,” He gave a small half shrug. “Sorry…I played Tony in my school’s play.”  
  
“So you sing?” Carrie’s eyes lit up. “I don’t have a musical bone in my body. You have to sing for us sometime.”  
  
“I don’t know. I’m not that good,” Blaine stared at his half eaten sandwich.   
  
“Good enough to play Tony,” Carrie teased. “Come on, there’s a piano in the rec room. Sing us something from the play.”  
  
“Maybe,” Blaine glanced up and gave her a small smile.   
  
The rest of the day was exhausting. After all the therapy he was beyond stressed, shutting down by the end. During another nature walk he just kept his head down and walked with the group, staying silent.   
  
“Come on Q-Tip,” Carrie smiled as soon as they walked into the rather large recreation room. “Play us a song. Maria was one of my favorites.”  
  
“It’s been a long time since I’ve sung or played,” Blaine blushed as the entire room watched curiously.   
  
“I’d love to hear you sing,” Clyde smiled from where he was sitting behind an easel. “I painted stick figures for the first week I was here. At least give it a shot.”  
  
After another pause, Blaine took a seat at the piano bench and placed his fingers on the keys. He tried the beginning notes of the song and winced when his fingers got tangled up.   
  
“Sorry,” He muttered, frowning.   
  
“It’s fine,” Carrie nodded.   
  
With a deep breath, Blaine started playing again. The notes came out stronger and he almost felt the same joy he did when he used to perform.   
  
 _The most beautiful sound I ever heard  
  
All he beautiful sounds of the world in a single word  
  
Maria  
  
I just met a girl named Maria  
  
And suddenly that name  
  
Will never be the same to me  
  
Maria  
  
I’ve just kissed a girl named Maria   
  
And suddenly I’ve found  
  
How wonderful a sound can be!  
  
Maria!  
  
Say it loud and there’s music playing  
  
Say it soft and it’s almost like praying  
  
Maria  
  
I’ll never stop saying Maria!  
  
The most beautiful sound I ever heard.  
  
Maria. _  
  
His fingers slid off the keys and his heart pounded as he stared blankly at his hands. Soft clapping broke him out of his daze and he looked up.   
  
“Blaine, that was amazing,” Clyde’s face split into a wide grin. “If that was you rusty I can’t imagine what you sound like after some practice.   
  
“I always loved performing,” Blaine whispered, feeling himself smile.   
  
“Seriously though, that moved me,” Carrie placed a hand to her chest and for a moment Blaine’s body stiffened.   
  
“Hey kid play us something else, it’s been a long time since we had a decent musician here,” A man shouted from the back of the room and a few other people shouted their agreements.   
  
“Okay,” He smiled slightly and placed his hands on the keys again.


	11. Chapter 11

          Blaine’s room looked like a tornado went through it.

            With a sad frown, Kurt pulled out the clothes in Blaine’s closet. The sweater vests and colored pants had been replaced with tight shirts and skinny jeans. He pulled out a pair of jeans that was pretty much held together by safety pins and sighed.

            “Ah ha!” Cooper dug a small paper packet out of a rip in the mattress and held it up triumphantly. “Found one. I knew it!”

            “How did no one see?” Kurt asked sadly, looking around at the room. Sheets were draped over the windows to black out the light, the sheets on his bed had burn marks from where Blaine had dropped a lighter after cooking the heroin, and all the pictures had been ripped off the wall leaving tears and holes.

            “None of us are blameless,” Cooper flushed the packet down the toilet before continuing to comb the room. “I keep hearing what he said in my head on repeat. I love my brother, I really do, but I never realized how alone he really was.”

            “I called, texted or skyped him every day!”

            “But what did you talk about?” Cooper raised his eyebrows.

            “Vogue, New York…oh…” Kurt went back to studying the closet.

            “When Blaine was five he overheard our parents arguing, something they do quiet often. He was a surprise pregnancy and they called him a mistake,” Cooper pulled the pillows out of the pillowcases to look through them. “They’re truly the worst parents I have ever seen because they never even tried to hide it.”

            “I never knew.”

            “He doesn’t like to be a burden. He fought hard to be the son my parents would be proud of but they never accepted him. After the attack they started spending more time away,” Cooper blinked furiously. “He never deserved that.”

            “So he changes himself to be what he thinks people want,” Kurt sighed. “Looking back on it, it makes sense.”

            “Fuck I just want him to be happy.”

            “Me too,” Kurt smiled sadly. He continued to pull out ripped up clothes to throw away and saw something in the back of the dark closet buried under some shoes.

            He dug the Margaret Thatcher dog out and stared down at it. His heart pounded and he swallowed convulsively.

            “Maybe you could keep that with you?” Cooper looked up at him.

            “Yeah…”

~*~

            “So Blaine,” Mark, his individual therapist, smiled warmly at him from the overly soft couches in his office. “You know this therapy thing only works if you talk back to me.”

            Blaine nodded slightly.

            “Have you ever had therapy before?” Mark kept his pen hovering over the clipboard in his lap.

            “Yeah.”

            “Really? When?” The older man leaned forward.

            “After I was gay bashed at a school dance. They made me talk to a hospital appointed therapist before I could get antidepressants,” Blaine didn’t look up. At least in group therapy he could hide and wasn’t the center of attention.

            “Did it help?”

            “No. He basically told me to be a man and get over it,” He shrugged.

            “Did you get over it?” Mark’s brown eyes were warm and kind but Blaine couldn’t meet them as he swallowed around the lump in his throat.

            “No. I still have nightmares,” He voice was a whisper.

            “What are your nightmares about?” Mark scribbled something quickly onto his chart.

            “I…I can’t see. My face is being pressed into the pavement and they’re kicking me. I can hear then yelling at me and then I can hear my father’s voice telling me that if I was normal and brought a girl, none of this would have happened,” Tears stung his eyes and he blinked furiously. “Sorry.”

            “It’s not a problem,” Mark pulled a tissue out of a nearby box and handed it to him. “Is your father’s opinion important to you?”

            “Maybe if I ever saw him,” Blaine rolled his eyes, balling the tissue in his hand. “It’s just…I try. I try really hard to get people to like me.”

            “You seem like a perfectly likeable guy,” Mark gave him a small smile.

            “Clearly there’s something wrong then. No matter how hard I try people hate me,” The last part was said in whisper.

            “Blaine, do you know what an external locus of control is?” At his slight shake of the head Mark continued. “It’s something I learned in school. Someone with an external locus of control uses other people’s opinions of them to define who they are. So, if someone doesn’t like them, they automatically think that they are a bad person.”

            Blaine nodded slightly.

            “If you have an internal locus of control then you are in control of how you feel. Other people can have their opinions but they don’t matter as much as how you view yourself. That’s going to be our goal. I want to see you shift from an external locus of control to an internal one.”

            “How are we going to do that? Snap my fingers and make it all better?” Blaine raised his eyebrows.

            “Of course not, it takes a long time,” Mark laughed. “I heard, as did most of the building, that you are an amazing singer who got the lead in your school’s play. Why did you get that role?”

            “Oh I wasn’t auditioning for it,” Blaine shook his head. “My…my ex-boyfriend was auditioning for Tony and I wanted to play opposite him. They asked me to read for the role and picked me.”

            “Why didn’t you want to audition for Tony?”

            “Because Kurt was,” Blaine frowned.

            “And you wanted Kurt to get it,” Blaine nodded. “Did you want to play Tony?”

            “I really did,” Blaine squeezed his hands together.

            “Why?”

            “Because I was new at the school and hoped that more people would like me,” Mark motioned for him to continue. “Um…because I’ve song a few songs before and people told me they were good, because I was told I looked and sounded the part, because it is one of my favorite musicals.”

            “There, expand on that,” Mark pointed and for a moment Blaine had a flashback to Cooper.

            “I really like Tony. I love the story, I love the songs, I knew I could sing them well,” He winced. “But Kurt really wanted that role.”

            “Should you feel guilty for doing something that you really wanted to do?” Mark watched him carefully. “You wanted the role and you got it through hard work.”

            “But Kurt was so upset. The director thought he was a little too feminine for the role,” Blaine rubbed his arms.

            “Sounds like you were a better fit. That’s the thing about auditions, some people make it and some people don’t. Honestly, you were turning down the role just because your boyfriend wanted it. You gave me a lot of reasons for why you wanted it but only one for why you didn’t go for it,” Blaine pressed back against the couch. “You enjoyed playing that role and you knew you were good. Why feel guilty?”

            “Because he was upset,” Blaine scrubbed his hand through his hair.

            “And it’s your job to fix that?”

            “Of course. I was his boyfriend,” He nodded sharply.

            “But what would have fixed that? You dropping out of the musical? What would have been the result, he would have been happy and you would have been miserable. I understand wanting to make him feel better but you can’t always sacrifice your happiness for him. That’s not healthy,” Blaine nodded, head beginning to ache slightly.

            “But I don’t like to see him upset.”

            “And you thought that you would never see him upset? What about you?” Mark put the clipboard aside and smiled. “It’s okay to be a little selfish with your feelings Blaine. You are allowed to enjoy things that only benefit you,” He patted Blaine’s leg slightly. “Besides the school musical, what is another thing you have been successful in?”

            “I always used to get really good grades,” Blaine shrugged.

            “And was that because the teacher made the tests easy? Or that the class sucked and their bad grades helped the curve? Was it always good luck?”

            “No, I studied my ass off,” Blaine laughed lightly.

            “See! Okay what is something you enjoy besides music?” Mark’s eyes lit up.

            “I guess I like to box. I did it after I was attacked,” He slouched slightly again.

            “And why did you do that? Did someone recommend it?”

            “I wanted to be stronger. I wanted to be prepared in case it ever happened again. It felt really good, I gained muscle, I felt stronger,” A small smile spread across his face. “I liked having some control.”

            “I’ll ask around and see if we can get some equipment in our gym. In the mean time, I think you should spend some of your rec time in there. Lift weights, go for a run, make yourself feel better,” Mark scribbled something else down. “Looks like it’s just about time for dinner. By tomorrow I want you to write down five traits of yours that you are proud of.”

            “Thanks,” Blaine gave him a tiny smile as he pushed himself off of the sagging couch. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

            He walked to the dining room with a slight spring in his step, grabbing a plate and walking to where Carrie was frantically waving him over. He took a seat and started eating his salad, smiling as Carrie and Clyde argued back and forth.

            “I like the painting you’re working on Clyde,” Blaine said softly, making both of them look at him in surprise. “I’ve been watching you paint it for a few days now and I can’t for the life of me figure out what it is supposed to be.”

            “It’s eventually going to be a abstract picture of my house, I’m planning on giving it to my girlfriend,” His eyes were bright. “How about we make a deal, you give me some piano lessons and I give you some painting lessons.”

            “Oh, I’m not much of an artist,” Blaine blushed slightly, not used to that much attention.

            “Everyone is an artist,” Clyde gave him a smile. “Come on, the people here are all about us ‘helping each other grow’.”

            “Why not?” Blaine shrugged slightly.

            “Sweet! We can start tonight? I can dig an easel out and hunt down a canvas,” He was grinning.  “Pick me out an easy song on the piano. Hot cross buns or something.”

            With a smile, Blaine turned back to his plate. The rest of the night went by quickly and soon he was standing in front of an easel staring at it like it was a dangerous animal.

            “So…what do I paint?”

            “What do you want to paint?” Clyde spread his paint out across the table next to them.

            “I have no idea…fruit or something?” Blaine frowned.

            “Aw come on, be more creative,” Clyde winked. “Just, pick a color and start painting. See what happens.”

            Blaine hesitated for a moment before dipping a brush in red paint and glanced over at Clyde.

            “You don’t need me to tell you what to do. It’s your painting,” Clyde shrugged and continued to work on his own painting.

            “But what if I mess it up?”

            “You can’t,” Clyde grinned. “That’s the beauty of it.” 


	12. Chapter 12

Kurt shouldered open the door to his loft and hardly made it two feet inside before he was nearly tackled by Rachel.   
  
“What the hell happened to Blaine?” She asked, eyes wide, before holding her laptop up for him to see. “JBI wrote about him just leaving McKinley.”  
  
Kurt dropped his bags on the floors and started to read through the headlines posted.   
  
 _BLAINE ANDERSON INVOLVED IN MOB. LEAVES SCHOOL TO AVOID A HIT.  
  
BLAINE ANDERSON INVOLVED IN ILLEGAL TURTLE RACING.   
  
BLAINE ANDERSON MURDERED OLD LADIES AND WENT TO JAIL.  
  
BLAINE ANDERSON CHEATED ON LOVE OF HIS LIFE AND ENDED UP PREGNANT. LEFT SCHOOL TO AVOID SHAME. _  
  
“Well?” She looked up at him.   
  
“Well…I can assure you that he is not pregnant…”  
  
“Yeah I didn’t have high hopes for that one,” Rachel sighed and took her laptop back. “What happened? I was talking to some of the glee club and they were telling me all sorts of things. They were saying that he quit glee, that he has started skipping classes, that he’s been mean, that he’s been wearing all black, that he’s been sleeping around. Did you see him when you went home?”  
  
At his hesitation she gasped loudly.   
  
“Okay, he needs help and he’s getting that help.”  
  
“He needs help? He cheated on you Kurt,” Rachel pushed him slightly. “Just because he’s become some kind of alcoholic whore doesn’t mean you have to swoop in and hold his hair back as he pukes…”  
  
“You don’t know anything about him! He’s out of school because he’s in rehab after nearly dying from a heroin overdose,” Kurt’s voice was sharp and high pitched.   
  
“..wh…what?”   
  
“It’s because no one paid attention to him. Remember when we were at school and you used him as just something to make you sound better? When you thought he was straight you were just excited to have someone ‘keep up with you vocally’. I used him as something to make me feel better. To have someone compliment me and make me feel good about myself. Did you ever sit down and ask him how he was? Ever sit and talk to him about himself?”  
  
“…no I didn’t,” Rachel whispered.   
  
“Neither did I,” Kurt wiped furiously at the tears in his eyes. “Did you know I picked out his clothes when we went shopping? It wasn’t because I wanted him to feel good about himself but because I was excited to have an attractive, well dressed boyfriend.”  
  
“Well he never complained,” She continued to stare at her shoes.   
  
“Why would he? He was getting attention and getting people to like him. That’s all he ever wanted you know? The last time he tried to be himself completely he had the shit beaten out of him at a school dance. I never noticed. I never noticed anything,” He couldn’t help the sob that escaped him. “While I was pissed because I thought he was sleeping around I never considered why he would. I never wanted to know. I thought I loved him. That’s not how you treat someone you love.”  
  
“Oh Kurt,” Rachel’s eyes were wide and tear filled. “He’s getting help though right?”  
  
“He’s in a rehab center,” Kurt nodded sharply. “For three months.”  
  
“He’ll be okay right?” She whispered, rubbing her arm.   
  
“I don’t know. I mean he pretty much prostituted himself for drugs. How do you recover from that?” He took a deep breath watched as Rachel hurried to the kitchen, pulling out a bottle of wine that Brody had given her.   
  
“I won’t tell anyone if you’re worried about that,” She poured them both a huge glass. “Take a seat and drink this. You’ve been on a long flight.”   
  
“Yeah because me being on a flight for a few hours is nothing compared to seeing Blaine go through withdrawal,” He took a long gulp. “He was in so much pain Rachel you should see him. He’s lost so much weight, his eyes have really dark circles under them, his arms and neck are covered in track marks, and he is just…blank.”  
  
“No one saw?”  
  
“Sam told me he had changed but other than that everyone avoided him or verbally abused him. He felt so alone that he had to seek out the attention of those…those monsters. He felt like he deserved to be hurt and abused that way. Fuck…I might be sick.”  
  
Rachel made a soothing noise and rubbed his back gently.   
  
“Brody’s roommate freshman year was an alcoholic,” She said gently into his hair. “He went to groups with him to learn how to best help him. We can try to find a group for friends and families of drug users if you want? I can go with you.”  
  
“What if he wants nothing to do with me when he gets out?” Kurt wrung his hands together.   
  
“You love him don’t you?” Rachel sat on his bed with him, pouring some wine from her glass into his.   
  
“I thought I did. I don’t…I don’t know. Looking back on it our relationship wasn’t healthy,” Kurt sighed sadly. “I still want to be a part of his life though. If he lets me.”  
  
“So go to learn how to be a better friend,” Rachel pulled her laptop over. “We can just look, we don’t have to go if you really don’t want to.”  
  
“I want to help him,” Kurt nodded towards her laptop. “Let’s look some up.”  
  
~*~  
  
“So, we’re going to talk about regrets,” Tabitha wrote the word out on the whiteboard. “Who wants to go first?”  
  
The room was absolutely silent.   
  
“Um…I can go?” Blaine raised his hand slightly, giving the group a nervous smile. “We used to do this in my high school. The director of the glee club would put a word up like ‘Inspiration’ or ‘Miracle’ and we would have to sing a song about that theme.”   
  
“That seems like an interesting exercise,” She raised her eyebrows and made a little note in her binder.   
  
“I always felt better afterwards. I connect best through music and sometimes it’s nice to find something that conveys your feelings better than you know how to say yourself,” He knew that he hadn’t said much in these sessions and the group was staring curiously.   
  
“I would personally love to hear you sing on this topic,” Tabitha grinned. “But only if you want to.”  
  
“Oh…sorry I think I was just thinking out loud,” Blaine blushed.   
  
“Come on Blaine,” Clyde nudged him slightly, getting a small smile in return. “Don’t think we haven’t noticed how you light up when you perform.”   
  
“Okay, so regret,” Blaine straightened up in his chair and glanced around the room. The group was smiling reassuringly at him. For the first time he didn’t feel like he had to prove himself or compete against the people in the room.   
  
 _”Fools in love  
Are there any other kinds of lovers?  
Fools in love  
Is there any other kind of pain.  
Everything you do, everywhere you go now  
Everything you touch, everything you feel  
Everything you see, everything you know now  
Everything you do, you do it for your baby  
Love your baby, love your baby, love your baby, love. _  
  
He took in a deep shuddering breath and paused before continuing, his voice rougher than before.   
  
 _Fools in love  
Are there any creatures more pathetic?   
Fools in love  
Never knowing when they’ve lost the game.  
Everything you do, everywhere you go now  
Everything you touch, everything you feel  
Everything you see, everything you know now  
Everything you do, you do it for your baby  
Love your baby, love your baby, love your baby, love. _  
  
Blaine’s chest ached fiercely and he wiped at his eyes.   
  
 _Fools in love, they think they’re heroes_  
‘Cause they get to feel no pain  
I say fools in love are zeros, I should know  
I should know because this fool’s in love again.   
  
Fools in love  
Gently hold each other’s hands forever  
Fools in love  
Gently tear each other limb from limb.  
  
Everything you do, everywhere you go now  
Everything you touch, everything you feel  
Everything you do, even rock ‘n’ roll now  
Nothing mean a thing except you and your baby  
Love your baby, love your baby, love your baby, love.  
  
Fools in love, they think they’re heroes  
‘Cause they get to feel no pain  
I say fools in love are zeros, I should know  
I should know because this fool’s in love again.   
  
He sat back against his chair and the room was silent. There was no false applause, no mumbles, no rolling eyes. It was just full of people supporting each other.  
  
“So…you regret falling in love?” Carrie asked gently.   
  
“No, Kurt was amazing,” He smiled slightly before realizing what he said. “Oh yeah…just in case it wasn’t obvious, I’m gay.”  
  
The group chuckled and nodded, urging him on.   
  
“I don’t regret falling in love. I regret basing my entire existence on our relationship,” He shrugged. “Does that make sense?”  
  
“Let me try to understand,” Tabitha put her fingertips together and leaned forward. “Your regret is that you were so dependent on the relationship.”  
  
“Yeah, so much so that when I started unraveling I fell apart,” Blaine rubbed his arm. “It’s kind of pathetic really. How does someone become so dependent on something like that?”  
  
“Yeah, how does someone become dependent?” Clyde winked. “Sounds like you replaced an addiction with another one.”  
  
“Maybe I just need to always fixate on something,” Blaine smiled and fiddled with his hands.   
  
“Sometimes it takes losing everything before you realize what’s important,” Clyde spoke up. “I started fighting with my girlfriend when she was pregnant and started the drugs to get away from that pressure. When I realized how much it hurt the people I had to redefine who I was. I wasn’t the loser artist, I wasn’t the junkie, I wasn’t the deadbeat boyfriend. I am a father. That is who I want to define myself by and that’s the person I need to be.”  
  
Blaine nodded and leaned his chin on his hand. The group continued with talk in the circle and he thought about Clyde’s point.   
  
What was he defined as?  
  
Was he the golden boy lead of the Warblers?  
  
Was he the brave kid who mentored other students?   
  
Was he the perfect boyfriend?   
  
Was he the boy who cheated on his boyfriend?  
  
Was he the guy who whored himself for drugs?  
  
Blaine swallowed heavily, blinking furiously. He was the king of reinventing himself and for the first time he could choose who he was, not base himself on what others wanted.   
  
The trouble was deciding who he wanted to be and if he was brave enough to try.


	13. Chapter 13

            _Come on sweetheart. You’re being such a good boy for me. Such a good little slut._

_He could feel the hands trailing across his body, light fleeting touches that made him shiver. Warm breath ghosted across the back of his neck and he whimpered._

_This was so wrong._

_The hands that firmly gripped his hips were too rough, the thrusts made him cry out, and the constant stream of whispered words made him shake._

_This is what you were meant to do._

_Perfect whore._

_Want you so bad._

_The ache in his chest burned even more and he couldn’t breathe. Slimy lips trailed down his back and he moaned weakly._

_He could remember the way Kurt’s hands had trembled when he touched him. The way they giggled nervously as they stripped each other. The way he had craved making Kurt moan and beg. The overwhelming feeling of love as they rocked together._

_No matter many times he tried he couldn’t even come close to matching that feeling._

_He remembered Kurt whispering how much he loved him. How amazing he was. How beautiful he was._

_Instead he heard about how much the men wanted him. How tight he was. How slutty he was._

_The hands gripped him possessively and a hand slapped his ass hard, making him cry out. The man laughed and fucked him harder, twisting a hand in his hair for a moment before gripping his throat._

_Sorry I was rough but I couldn’t help myself._

            Blaine jerked awake and sat up quickly, pulling the sheets up to his chest. Tears blurred his vision and he body jerked with repressed sobs.

            He swung his legs over the side of the bed and pressed his palmed into his eyes as he shook. The feeling of phantom hands made him shudder and he jumped up, pulling on slippers and a coat over his pajamas before walking out quietly.

            “Blaine?” He jumped and turned to see Patty, one of the night employees, looking at him curiously. “Are you alright?”

            “I…I just…I need to get some air,” His voice cracked and he ducked his head.

            “Need me to come with you?” She frowned, looking concerned.

            “I’m not going to run off or anything. I just need fresh air and to be alone for a bit,” He shrugged a little and Patty nodded, opening a nearby closet and pulled out a thick blanket. “It’s cold out. Let me know if you need anything.”

            Blaine gave her a grateful smile and took the blanket from her before stepping outside. It was snowing lightly and a thin layer had already started sticking to the group. He took in a deep breath, icy air burning his lungs, before starting down the path to the lake.

            He wrapped the blanket around himself and sat on the chilly stone bench near the shore. The lake was so peaceful it looked like glass. Being so far out in the woods the moon and stars shone brightly in the cloudless sky, perfectly reflected on the surface of the water.

            The freezing air made him snuggle down further in the blanket and he sighed.

            He could get better. He could get past the itch in the back of his mind begging him for a hit. He could become a responsible member of society.

            He would never forget what he did.

            He didn’t think he would ever feel clean. The happy memories he had with Kurt were tainted by the memories of being with those men. Who would want to be in a relationship with a boy who prostituted himself out for drugs? Even if he did get help, that was still a part of him.

            He started humming softly to distract himself from the thoughts swirling in his head.

            _I don’t wanna be adored_

_Don’t wanna be first in line_

_Or make myself heard_

_I’d like to bring a little light_

_To shine a light on your life_

_To make you feel loved_

_No, don’t wanna be the only one you know_

_I wanna be the place you call home_

            His voice rang out clearly in the still night and for a moment he was overwhelmed by emotion.

_I lay myself down_

_To make it so, but you don’t want to know_

_I give much more_

_Than I’d ever ask for._

_Will you see me in the end_

_Or is it just a waste of time_

_Trying to be your friend_

_Just shine, shine, shine_

_Shine a little light_

_Shine a light on my life_

_Warm me up again._

            He was trying so hard to be a better person, to be his own person. He knew that he was supposed to be defining himself on things that he felt he was. He knew who he was and he had made the decision. No one made him do anything.

            So, if he defined himself as something bad based on how he felt about himself was that still going against what he was trying to do?

            He felt dirty and used. No one was forcing that idea on him. He came up with it all on his own.

           _Fool, I wonder if you know yourself at all_

_You know that it could be so simple_

_I lay myself down_

_To make it so, but you don’t want to know_

_You take much more_

_Than I’d ever ask for_

_Say a word or two to brighten my day_

_Do you think that you could see your way_

_To lay yourself down_

_And make it so, but you don’t want to know_

_You take much more_

_Than I’d ever ask for._

            He took a deep breath and pulled the blankets tighter around himself.

            The icy wind stung the tear tracks on his cheeks.

~*~

            After days of rigorous cleaning Cooper finally got Blaine’s room back to normal. He even had all his childhood trophies dusted and put neatly up on his shelves.

            It made him feel much calmer knowing that at least something was back to normal.

            His phone rang and without looking at the caller id he answered with a smile on his face.

            “Hello!”

            “Cooper,” His mother’s sharp voice made the smile slip off his face. “What is this I heard about Blaine going to some kind of…clinic?”

            “Mom I told you already. Blaine got into some trouble and he is getting help at a drug rehabilitation center outside of town,” He sat down on Blaine’s neatly made bed.

            “You couldn’t do this with a little more subtlety? We could have sent him to a much nice place where they work to hide this kind of…of…information from others. I don’t need him flaunting his mistake all over town. God knows we’ve already been through that,” He could practically hear her roll her eyes.

            “The goal of treatment is to get Blaine better. It’s not to hide him from the world,” Cooper’s throat tightened. “I’ve researched the center and it is amazing. It’s what he needs.”

            “What about what the family needs?” She snapped. “We don’t need everyone to know that our homosexual son is also a junkie! God, this is so embarrassing.”

            “You know what’s embarrassing, having a mother who is more worried about what people think than helping her son,” Cooper’s hand ached. “Maybe this wouldn’t have happened if you ever paid any attention to your kid. Being a parent is about being there for your children, not using them as a bragging point and getting upset when they aren’t your little clones.”

            “Are you seriously telling me how to be a parent?” Her voice was high pitched. “Cooper Anderson I am your mother!”

            “I telling you how to be a fucking decent person, something you’ve been lacking in,” His teeth hurt from clenching them together. “If you can’t support Blaine then don’t get involved. He doesn’t need poison like you two in his life. Act like a parent or fuck off.”

            He snapped the phone shut and tossed it on the bed, falling back with a groan.

            It was becoming more and more troubling realizing just how little support Blaine had.  

            It had been thirteen days since Blaine left and the house was so quiet. Before it all went to Hell, Blaine was extremely lively. He was either singing, blasting music, or playing a movie loudly.

            Probably to makeup for the silence of an empty house.

            Cooper stared sadly at the ceiling and sighed. When he was a teenager he always had his friends and brother around. He had loved having a little brother who basically hero worshiped him and he was popular enough that he always had friends.

            Blaine had come out when he was in college and Cooper was so involved in his own life that he was hardly involved in his brother’s. He had answered the heart breaking phone calls in the middle of the night and had sleepily listened to his brother’s sobs.

            He had thought he was there for his brother. He had patted himself on the back for being so supportive and amazing when in reality he had done less than the bare minimum.

            It would be hard but he had to make up for lost time.

            His nightstand was covered in support books and DVD’s and for the duration Blaine was away he had already signed up to go to several seminars.

            He was going to be the big brother that Blaine deserved.


	14. Chapter 14

“Do you ever hate yourself?” Blaine whispered to Clyde who gave him a strange look.   
  
“What do you mean?” The older man dipped his brush in the nearby paint and kept working on his painting.   
  
“I mean,” Blaine hesitated and stared at his own paint palette. “I mean I figure everyone should hate me…after what I did…but I don’t think anyone can hate me as much as I hate myself. I can’t tell people how to feel about me or how to act. If they hate me that’s their thing but how do you stop hating yourself. How do you stop dreaming about those things. How do you stop them from lingering in the back of your mind?”  
  
“When my son was born I would spend the money that was supposed to go towards his food and diapers and clothes and buy heroin instead. I was getting high while my son was hungry and in his own filth,” Clyde made a few short strokes with his brush. “I hate myself for that but I wasn’t myself. That stuff…it’s not who you are.”  
  
“What if it is?”  
  
“These horrible things you did, they weren’t your fault. They were because you needed something and it was the way to get it,” He glanced over his easel at the smaller boy. “Being a drug addict is being in survival mode. You will do anything for another hit.”  
  
“I can see that…”  
  
“If you had the choice now, would you do them again?” He cocked his head to the side.   
  
“I didn’t want to do them in the first place,” Blaine’s shoulders curled. “I mean…I asked for it but I didn’t want to.”  
  
“Asked for what?” Clyde’s eyes went sharp and he moved to get a better look.   
  
“Well, you know that I was a little…”  
  
“Promiscuous?”   
  
“Yeah…that,” A small smile quirked at Blaine’s lips before he ducked his head. “Sorry…I haven’t talked about this yet…but yes I used something else besides the drugs to forget and feel wanted. There was this one guy, a very wealthy man, who was extremely rough. I wanted to stop once he started hurting me but…but I had followed him home and I had asked for it. It was my fault so why do I feel so bad about it?”  
  
“Blaine…did you say no or stop?” The normally cheerful man looked far too serious.   
  
“Yeah…but I went with him willingly. I was totally prepared for that…evening,” Blaine felt his face heating up. “You know, I’m sorry this is probably really uncomfortable for you.”  
  
“I’m just worried about you,” Clyde stepped towards him. “Saying no or stop, even in the middle of having sex, means no or stop. Anything after that is rape.”  
  
“Oh I wasn’t raped,” Blaine shook his head quickly, stepping back.   
  
“Saying no is basically the definition.”  
  
“You can’t really rape a slut can you?” His voice was icy and stiff.   
  
“You’re not a slut. You’re a person, a kid. Have you spoken about this with your therapist?” Clyde’s eyes were soft and kind.   
  
“I didn’t think it was important.”  
  
“If you’re having constant nightmares about it than it most certainly is important,” Clyde took in a deep breath and stared at his feet. “They have specialists for this kind of thing.”   
  
“Forget I even brought it up,” Blaine threw his hands up in the air. “Sorry, sorry.”  
  
“Don’t apologize for talking to me. You’re not burdening me or whatever. I like to think that we’ve become friends after this time or at least can support each other. We’ve both been at our lowest point and I like to think no one can understand what we’ve been through besides each other,” He sighed and scratched the back of his head.   
  
“I’m sorry Clyde, but you don’t really know me,” Blaine stood stiffly.   
  
“I know that you’re scared, and hurt, and feeling like you have nothing left. You are so young though Blaine. Making mistakes isn’t what defines you, it’s about how you rise from them,” He offered a small smile. “I’m no shrink and I don’t pretend to be but I do know that you’ve been through a lot for your age and it wont be fixed over night.”  
  
“What if it never gets fixed?”  
  
“You’re not broken Blaine,” Clyde smiled. “Don’t let anyone make you believe that.”   
  
Blaine smiled slightly and took his brush returning to his painting.   
  
“I like it,” Clyde motioned towards the canvas.   
  
In the corner of the painting was a small black figure, huddled in a ball with its head bowed. Bright, loud colors and shapes exploded all around it and rained down.   
  
“Thanks.” Blaine whispered back and started on a new corner.   
  
~*~  
  
When Christmas break had arrived for Rachel and Isabelle had granted Kurt a very generous three week vacation, they both happily went home to their families.   
  
As much as he loved the rush and thrill of New York it was kind of nice to go back to sleepy Lima.   
  
The Lima Bean, while usually busy, was now packed with people trying to avoid the snow and get something hot to drink. He stood patiently in line, just enjoying the heat and strong aroma of coffee.   
  
“Kurt?” He jumped and spun around to see Sebastian smiling slightly at him.   
  
“Ah…I didn’t recognize you without the blazer. I thought you were born in it,” He glanced down at the expensive sweater and dark wash jeans.   
  
“Well…it’s winter break,” Sebastian shrugged.   
  
“Right.”  
  
“So how’s New York,” It was almost funny how awkward he looked.   
  
“You don’t really care how New York is.”  
  
“I really don’t,” Sebastian’s nose crinkled. “Have you heard from Blaine?”  
  
“Oh,” Kurt’s smirk slipped off his face and it felt like he had been punched in the stomach. “Well, I don’t know if you’ve heard but he’s in a rehab program now. It’s a really good one.”  
  
“Good,” Sebastian’s shoulders slumped in relief.   
  
“But they won’t let us have any contact with him,” Kurt continued. “Something about us not being his crutch to avoid getting better.”  
  
“Well I’m glad he’s getting help.”  
  
“Cooper told me what you did,” Kurt added after a moment of silence. “About how you helped him at Scandals and called him. I never thanked you.”  
  
“I didn’t do it for you,” Sebastian stiffened.   
  
“I know. You might have saved his life though,” Sebastian stared down at his dress shoes. “You didn’t have to help him and you did.”  
  
“Are you two still together?”  
  
“No,” Kurt winced a little. “No…we’re over but that doesn’t mean you can swoop in and take him.”   
  
“I wasn’t planning on it,” Sebastian laughed loudly. “Blaine super sexy and all but I’ve discovered he’s…not really my type.”  
  
“Oh?” Kurt raised his eyebrows.   
  
“Yeah I’m more attracted to the strong manly type, not so much the puppy dog,” Sebastian’s eyes sparkled.  
  
“Are you saying…” Kurt’s face split into a wide grin. “You and Dave?”  
  
“Yeah,” Sebastian ducked his head and a blush spread across his cheeks. “It’s only been for a few weeks but it’s going really good.”  
  
“I’m happy for you two,” Kurt nudged him slightly and got a shy little laugh in return. “I didn’t think you were the boyfriend type.”  
  
“I’m not,” He shrugged. “That’s the weird part.”   
  
Kurt laughed and stepped up to order his coffee. They continued to chat until they both had steaming cups in hand.  
  
“Well I’m supposed to go help the family decorate the tree,” Kurt rolled his eyes. “I had to leave because Finn ate all the popcorn for the popcorn strings and I was going to murder him. Can I get your number, maybe we can stay in touch?”  
  
“I already have your number,” Sebastian pulled out his phone. “I’ll just text you mine.”  
  
“You have my number?”  
  
“Keep your friends close, enemies closer right?” He laughed softly.   
  
“Hopefully we can just remain friends then?” Kurt’s phone buzzed with the text.   
  
“Of course,” Sebastian nodded. “Well Kurt, I hope to see you around.”   
  
With a quick salute of the coffee cup Sebastian walked out to his car and drove off. Smiling, Kurt took his own coffee and started the drive home.   
  
“Hi!” He called out as soon as he stepped into the warm house.   
  
“We decided to distract Finn with cookies so he wouldn’t eat the popcorn,” Carole called from the living room where they were setting up the tree. “It’s almost done.”   
  
Kurt leaned against the wall and stared at the twinkling tree lights. The tree was covered in handmade ornaments and silly little toys that had been attached to string.   
  
“Feels like a family,” Carole’s eyes were warm.   
  
“It does,” He gave her a little smile as she hugged him.   
  
“Speaking of family…I know that Cooper is by himself in that big house…” Carole sighed. “That poor boy refuses to leave until his brother gets home.”  
  
“He should come for Christmas dinner and morning,” Kurt added, getting a nod.   
  
“I hate the idea of him spending Christmas alone,” She rubbed his back. “Are you okay with that? I mean…you and Blaine aren’t together anymore.”  
  
“I don’t want him to be alone while Blaine is in rehab. Cooper is a nice guy and deserves a family Christmas. Maybe Blaine and I aren’t together anymore but I still care about him,” Kurt shrugged. “I can call him.”  
  
“Please do,” Carole smiled. “I’m making plenty of food and I need someone besides Finn to eat it.”  
  
~*~  
  
The next day Blaine sat in his individual therapist’s office and wrung his hands together.   
  
“You seem stressed,” Mark said gently, leaning back.   
  
“I’ve been thinking,” He swallowed convulsively. “And…and I think I need help.”


	15. Chapter 15

Christmas at Sunrise was not at all what Blaine expected.   
  
He missed spending the day with his brother. They would lounge around in pajamas, watch television, eat frozen pizza and cookie dough out of the tub, and open the countless gift cards their parents got them.   
  
At Sunrise they were treated to a full turkey dinner the night before and a huge breakfast of homemade cinnamon rolls, fruit, and hot chocolate. The residents were curled up on armchairs in their blankets and chatting as they exchanged small homemade presents.   
  
So far Blaine had received a beautiful painting from Clyde of himself playing the piano, an intricately woven bracelet from Carrie, and some nice homemade cards from the others.   
  
It didn’t feel like home but it felt like he belonged.   
  
He didn’t feel judged or like someone was expecting him to do anything. Instead of buying gifts expensive gifts he was able to play a few Christmas songs on the piano and sing and it was given the same amount of appreciation.   
  
“I’d like to make a little announcement,” Tabitha called out and the group quieted. “You all know that normally we don’t allow communication with friends and family. This journey is about finding yourself without anyone imposing on you. However, I got some news the other day that I had to share. Blaine, we got a fax from your brother and I really think you should read it.”  
  
He frowned and took the piece of paper, blushing at the attention.   
  
 _Dear Mr. Anderson,_  
  
Congratulations! You have been admitted through early decision to New York University for the fall of 2013. On behalf of the faculty and staff, I want you to know how pleased we are that you have chosen to become part of the New York University Community.   
  
“Oh my god,” He breathed, practically hearing his heartbeat in his ears. “Is this real?”  
  
“It is very real,” Tabitha nodded. “Congratulations.”  
  
“I got in. I can’t believe it,” Blaine’s hands trembled. “I got into NYU.”   
  
The group let out several loud cheers of excitement and he felt a wide grin spread across his face.   
  
He had applied when he was dating Kurt, desperate to get to New York. Even though Kurt was a major reason he had applied he always knew that NYU was for him. Everything about the school was what he wanted in a college and the music program was perfect.   
  
It was what he wanted.   
  
Finally, something was going right.  
  
“He also sent this package which I believe he spent a fortune getting here on time,” She handed him a bulky package which he ripped into eagerly.   
  
Inside was a thick purple sweater with NYU written across the chest that he instantly pulled on and snuggled into, grin still in place.   
  
He accepted a few tight hugs from the other residents before Tabitha squeezed him and pulled him off to the side.   
  
“I’ve done my research and the school does have a students in recovery program,” She rubbed his back. “I’m proud of you Blaine.”  
  
“You know, I’m kind of proud of myself,” Blaine ducked his head, loving the rush of warmth in his chest.   
  
“Well come on college man,” Tabitha patted him on the back. “Let’s get you some cookies. They may or may not be on an NYU platter your brother sent. He went a little overboard.”  
  
Blaine couldn’t keep the smile off his face for the rest of the day and kept running his fingers along the seam of his sweater.   
  
He had a future.   
  
Just him.   
  
His future didn’t rely on anyone else. He had gotten into that school all by himself and he had worked hard to earn it. New York had always been the dream and he had finally gotten it.   
  
Being proud of himself was such a foreign feeling that it was almost overwhelming.   
  
He loved it.   
  
~*~  
  
Kurt had to bite back his laugh when he opened the door to an NYU sweatshirt clad Cooper with the widest grin on his face.   
  
“So I can’t cook and I wasn’t sure what to bring…so I brought you a pie,” He held up a chocolate pie and practically bounced on his feet.   
  
“Pie is wonderful, come on in,” Kurt waved him in.   
  
“So you heard?!” Cooper’s grin and happiness was infectious.   
  
“You were the one who told me,” Kurt laughed as Burt and Carole walked in, shaking Cooper’s hand.   
  
“Sorry, sorry,” He shook his head laughing. “It’s just…it’s so amazing and I’m so proud and I can’t even begin to express how excited I am!”  
  
“He is a very intelligent young man,” Carole laughed, taking the pie. “I’m not surprised to see him get into such a good school.”   
  
“You know I didn’t even apply for college, I totally thought I was going to make it big in L.A. and my parents were willing to pay whatever to get me to go away,” Cooper shrugged, eyes still flashing. “Blaine was the smart one. He was the dedicated one. He deserves this so much.”  
  
“So…the sweater?”  
  
“I’m just so proud of him,” Cooper grinned. “I may have spent all the money our parents gave us on random NYU themed things. There might be some additions to Blaine’s room, bathroom…and car. I got carried away…”  
  
Kurt couldn’t stop smiling from the absolute pride and joy in Cooper’s eyes. It had been so long since he had seen anything but sorrow in that family.   
  
When Cooper had called with the news that Blaine was accepted he thought his heart had stopped.   
  
He remembered Blaine talking excitedly about NYU. He was thrilled with the organizations on campus, with the dorms, with the music program, with every little thing. As soon as the NYADA craziness started up he had stopped talking. His smile grew more strained and Kurt had pressured him into trying for NYADA as well.   
  
He had been so selfish.   
  
Blaine was going to make something of himself. Something great.   
  
Kurt couldn’t be more proud of him.   
  
“Come on,” Carole placed a hand on Cooper’s back. “Finn is probably picking at the turkey and it might be gone if we don’t start dinner soon. Take a seat in the dining room.”  
  
“This is absolutely beautiful Carole,” Cooper admired the stunningly set table. “We never did anything like this when I was growing up. Thank you so much for sharing this with me.”  
  
“You’re welcome any time,” Burt smiled and they all took their seats.   
  
“It is still incredibly nice of you,” He took the offered basket of rolls and grabbed one before handing it to Kurt.   
  
“So, when are you going back to L.A?” Finn asked, spearing a few pieces of turkey.   
  
“I’m actually looking for jobs around here,” Cooper shrugged.   
  
“Acting jobs?”   
  
“Not really,” With a small laugh Cooper grinned up at them. “I’ve been thinking about joining as a teacher at an acting school for kids.”  
  
“You’re going to teach them how to act?” Finn raised his eyebrows.   
  
“Okay, so I know I’m not an amazing actor,” Cooper laughed loudly and rolled his eyes. “But, it’s a way to help the kids raise their self esteem and teach them to work towards something. I want to be a part of something like that.”  
  
“That sounds perfect,” Burt nodded at him.  
  
“I’m actually really excited about it,” Cooper nodded enthusiastically. “But enough about that, what is new in congress?”   
  
Burt’s face lit up and he stared ranting about some of the issues he was bringing up in his office.   
  
“So it wont be weird with Blaine in New York with you?” Finn asked as they talked and Kurt could see Cooper stiffen slightly.   
  
“No.”   
  
“But you both broke up,” Finn frowned. “I think it would be awkward.”  
  
“New York is a huge city. I have my life and Blaine will have his. I’d like to remain friends but…we’ll just have to see what happens,” He gave Finn a half smile. “I just want to see him happy.”  
  
Cooper glanced over for a moment before turning back to Burt, smile teasing the corners of his mouth.


	16. Chapter 16

         Blaine sat on his bed and stared at the pins in his hands. They were barely bigger than a silver dollar and were a bright gold color, shining in the dull light of his bedside table lamp.

              _One Month Drug Free_

_Two Months Drug Free_

            It had been eighty-eight days since he first stepped foot into Sunrise Rehabilitation and the idea of being out in the real world was terrifying.

            In his time there he had experienced some of the highest and lowest parts in his life. He had discovered parts of himself that he never knew existed and had accepted parts of himself that he had previously hated.

            In reality the pins were cheap little metal circles. They had the words written in cheesy cursive and a small figure had their hands raised up in triumph.

            They meant everything to him.

            In two days he would get his third pin and nothing meant more to him than continuing to get these pins for the rest of his life. A small smile lit up his face and he squeezed his hands around the cold metal before glancing over at the clock.

             _12:07 AM_  

            He was officially in his last day at rehab.

            A shaky breath exploded out of him and Blaine collapsed back onto the pillows. In one day he would go back and everything would be the same. The same pressure, the same triggers, the same people.

            But he was different.

            Blaine was sick of the person he was. He was so tired of being stepped on. He was tired of being taken advantage of. He was tired of being what everyone wanted him to be.

            The cool metal pins in his fists reminded him that he was a different person. He was a different person and he was going to live life the way he wanted.

            With a soft smile, Blaine leaned over to the beautifully painted wooden box (a goodbye gift from Clyde before he went home) and placed the two pins carefully inside. He stared at them for a moment longer before shutting the lip, turning off the light, and going to sleep.

            “Good morning residents!” Tabitha’s cheerful voice woke him up and he found himself smiling. “I’m thirty minutes we will be going on our nature walk. After we will have a breakfast of pancakes, fruit, and bacon.”

            He pushed himself out of bed and took his time getting ready.  As soon as he was all bundled up he walked out to the living area where the rest of the residents were waiting.

            “Last day!” Arianna, a twenty four year old who had been in the program for a little over a month.

            “Last day!” He sang back, grinning.

            “Blainey my friend,” She sighed, looping her arm through his. “I’ll miss you. I’ll miss your adorable happy little face. I’ll miss you singing show tunes. I’ll miss your mop of crazy hair.”

            “I’m not dying,” He laughed as they stepped out into the cool February air. “And we’ll stay in touch. Once you’re out you can call and email me all you want.”

            When Arianna had first gotten to Sunrise she had been quiet and reserved, unwilling to even look at other people. She had gotten with the wrong crowd in high school and while she was in rehab for the first time met a boyfriend who got her right back into drugs as soon as they left. Sunrise was her third attempt at rehab and it seemed like it would stick this time. Blaine and her had instantly connected and become fast friends.

            “I’m just happy for you,” She smiled up at him, rubbing his arm. “Is your brother coming to pick you up tomorrow?”

            “As far as I know,” Blaine nodded, chest tightening.

            He missed his brother fiercely. As the months went by he found that the thing he was most looking forward to was seeing Cooper again. The issues he had with his brother didn’t seem to be that important anymore.

            The walk was finished with lots of happy talking and they quickly ate breakfast before going on about their daily schedule.

            “Happy last day Blaine,” Mark grinned at him as he stepped into the office. “Are you nervous?”

            “Extremely,” Blaine laughed and smoothed his hands over his pants.

            “Why nervous?”

            “I don’t know,” He gave the therapist a shaky smile. “Right now, I don’t want to do…anything. I feel like I have a goal in mind and a future to look forward to. I want to live for me. I don’t want my life to be about anyone else.”

            “That’s good!” Mark smiled encouragingly.

            “But, I know how hard it will be and I’m scared that I wont have the support I had here. I’m scared I’ll be alone again.”

            “But remember what we talked about?”

            “That I’m not really alone,” Blaine smiled down at his hands. “I do have people who love me and I need to take care of myself first and foremost.”

            “You’ve really come so far Blaine. You went through a truly horrible time and you have become so much better,” Mark leaned forward. “You are not the same person you were when you got here. You are a smart young man with a bright future.”

            “I’m not messing this up,” Blaine shook his head sharply. “No matter what.”

            By the end of the appointment Blaine was very nearly in tears and hugged Mark tightly. He could feel himself trembling slightly as he finished up his last day.

            “Do you need any help packing up?” Tabitha asked as his fingers ran lightly over the piano keys.

            “No,” He shrugged. “I’m just going to shove my clothes in the duffle bag. Thank you though.”

            She gave him a small smile and rubbed his back slightly.

            “I’ll be giving you a few phone calls and you are more than welcome to come to our out patient clinic. We have weekly meetings with the alumni and it can be great until you go off to school.”

            “I’d love to come,” With a small smile she got up and walked to another resident. The warmth of the recreation room with its large, leather couches and chairs sunk into his bones, making him relax.

            He didn’t want to leave.

            Lights out came far too quickly and with a few quick goodbye hugs Blaine went back to his room, staring at the packed duffle bag in the corner. He finally fell asleep, stomach in knots.

            “Blaine?” Tabitha’s gentle voice woke him slowly and he blinked awake. “Wake up.”

            “Time is it?” Blaine mumbled, rubbing at his face.

            “It’s just after six,” She leaned back, smiling. “Your brother is here.”

            Blaine sat up quickly, heart pounding. As Tabitha grabbed his bag and led him out to the entrance hall he could hardly breathe.

            “Blaine,” Hearing his brother’s voice instantly brought tears to his eyes. He hardly saw Cooper’s relieved face before he flung himself at him.

            “I missed you,” Blaine choked out around sobs, grabbing tightly at his brother.

            “God I missed you too,” Cooper’s voice was tight with tears. He pulled back grinning at his younger brother, tears flashing in his eyes. “You look amazing.”

            “I feel amazing,” He laughed softly and was pulled into another tight hug.

            “Okay,” Cooper took another step back, wiping at his eyes and smiling brightly. “Well I’ve got your room all set up and I’ve got a lot of food and stuff. I have like thirty movies and tv shows for tonight and I didn’t know what kind of ice cream or cake you wanted so I got about four of each and…”

            “I’m sure it’ll be great Coop,” He nudged his brother slightly and Cooper grabbed his bag. “So…are we good to go?”

            “Yup, all your paperwork has been filled out,” Tabitha nodded, hugging Blaine one more time. “I will call you this weekend and I will see you at a meeting soon right?”

            “Absolutely,” He grinned and gave one more wave before climbing into Cooper’s car.

            “I have McDonalds breakfast which I grabbed one of everything but if you want something else?” Cooper bit his lip, looking uncertain.

            “Cooper!” Blaine laughed. “Seriously, I’m fine.”

            “I’m just…I’m trying,” Cooper shrugged.

            “I know and I appreciate it,” Blaine smiled softly at him. “Now hand me a sausage biscuit and hashbrowns. Let’s get home.”

            “I really am glad you’re back,” Cooper pulled out of the center’s parking lot, starting down the deserted road. “I missed you so much B.”

            “I missed you too,” Blaine gave him a little smile. “I am very curious about the evening you have planned.”

            “Oh you’re going to be so excited! So, I ordered an NYU blanket as a surprise for you and they accidentally sent me eleven. I thought we could construct an epic blanket fort and eat the massive amount of junk food while watching a bunch of stupid movies,” Cooper’s smile was infectious.

            “Are we wearing our pajamas all day as well?”

            “Our matching NYU pajamas,” Cooper nodded. “I’ve been pretty bored lately and I think I may have a slight addiction to online shop…oh. Oh Blaine I’m so sorry.”

            “For what?” Blaine frowned at how pale his brother went.

            “For…using…the a word?”

            “Addiction? Cooper, it’s fine,” Blaine laughed, rolling his eyes. “I don’t want you walking on eggshells around me. Just…treat me like normal. I’ll let you know if you say something but I can take care of myself.”

            “Sure,” Cooper nodded, smile still in place.

            The rest of the ride was spent with Blaine telling Cooper all about the clinic and everyone he met. A bright smile stayed on his face the entire time and soon they were pulling up to their house.

            “So are you wanting to start with a Friends or a How I Met Your Mother marathon?” Cooper carried Blaine’s bag into the house.

            “I’m thinking NPH,” Blaine mumbled as he stepped into the living room.

            He was instantly brought back to shaking and whimpering on the couch. He remembered slipping out of the door, trembling and aching for a hit. He remembered limping back into the house, in extreme pain but hardly able to feel it from the poison pumping through his veins.

            “Alright then, take a seat,” Cooper hovered slightly until Blaine grabbed a thick blanket and settled on the floor near the couch. The brothers quickly moved the cushions around until they were set into a comfortable pile.

            “Choose from sour gummy worms, peach-os, or frosted animal crackers to start,” Cooper held up a few packages.

            “Gummy worms,” He caught the bag as it was tossed to him.

            After a few hours they both finally found themselves relaxing. Pizza was ordered and they moved on to a James Bond marathon.

            “Do you know what step nine of the twelve step program is?” Blaine spoke up suddenly, startling his brother.

            “Um…was it making amends?” At Blaine’s surprised expression he smile sheepishly. “I really researched this stuff.”

            “Oh…well…um yes that’s the step,” He ducked his head slightly. “I want to make amends with you.”

            “There’s nothing to forgive Blaine,” Cooper gave him a small smile.

            “No, there is,” He shifted so he was fully facing Cooper. “I’m sorry for pushing you away. I’m sorry for worrying you and hurting you. I said and did some horrible, horrible things. I’m sorry for stealing from you, I will pay you back by the way, and I’m sorry for making you leave your entire life behind.”

            “And I told you that I’m not upset.”

            “I know you’re not,” Blaine gave him a small smile, feeling tears well up in his eyes. “But I still need to apologize. I hurt you and I am so, so sorry.”

            “Come here,” Cooper pulled him into a hug. “I forgive you Blaine.”

            “The things I said to you keep swirling around in my head,” His body heaved with a sob. “I said you were like those boys who hurt me and you’re not. Cooper I’m so sorry.”

            “You were in a lot of pain,” Cooper rubbed his back. “You weren’t yourself.”

            “You’ve been there for me and I just want us to go back to where we were,” Blaine wiped his eyes and sat back.

            “I don’t,” Cooper gave him a small smile. “I don’t want to be absent from your life anymore. You’re my little brother and I want to be more involved. So, let’s both try harder to get closer.  I love you Blaine and I’m here for you.”

            “I love you too,” Blaine smiled tearfully. “I am going to pay you back.”

            “Not a chance,” Cooper shook his head.

            “It’s going to happen.”

            “Then you’re going to get random deliveries of NYU rubber ducks and teddy bears,” Cooper shrugged.

            “Really?” Blaine raised his eyebrows.

            “Don’t try me Blaine,” Cooper gave him a smirk and Blaine rolled his eyes.

            “So…when do I go back to school?” Blaine asked softly after another long pause. “I mean I’m all caught up on school work and I’m testing well.”

            “You don’t have to go back. You can take the GED and be done with it if you want,” Cooper tied two gummy worms together and ate them.

            “I want to go back. I’m not running away from anything anymore,” He said, determined.

            “Alright, I’ll call the school. We might be able to get you back next week,” Cooper smiled and ruffled Blaine’s hair slightly.


	17. Chapter 17

          It was a week before Blaine finally had the courage to text Kurt.

            _To Kurt: Can we skype soon? I want to talk to you._

            Just minutes later his phone buzzed with an incoming text.

           _From Kurt: Yes!!! I’m free now if you are? Welcome home : )_

_To Kurt: Let me just start up the connection_

            He moved quickly to grab his laptop and shut the door. After a quick moment fixing his hair in the mirror he sat on his bed and clicked on the incoming chat.

            “Hi there!” He grinned as soon as Kurt’s face came into view.

            “Oh my God hi!” Kurt sat up, bright smile in place. “You look amazing! Seriously! I’m so happy to see you Blaine.”

            “I’m happy to see you too,” Blaine found himself relax against the headboard. “Thank you for talking to me.”

            “Of course!” He suddenly looked up and Blaine could hear Rachel talking excitedly in the background. “Rach, I’m talking to Blaine. Can…can I have some time?”

            “Thanks,” Blaine ducked his head slightly.

            “I want to talk to you,” Kurt smiled softly at him. “So, how are you? God you look amazing… I already said that didn’t I?”

            “I don’t mind hearing it,” Blaine laughed. God it was easy to talk to Kurt.

            “And congratulations for getting into NYU, I know that was your dream,” The smile never left his face.

            “Yeah, I’m really excited!” Blaine looked down at his hands with a grin.

            “I also want to say that I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you got out of rehab. I know I said I would but the new Winter line is in full swing and it’s just crazy around here. Isabelle gave me as much time as I could get,” He sighed. “I should have at least called. I’m so sorry.”

            “It’s okay, I understand,” Blaine’s smile faded slightly. “Listen, I really need to talk to you.”

            “Of course,” Kurt blushed and shook his head. “Sorry, go ahead. I want to hear it.”

            “Um…I want to apologize,” He said softly, glancing up when Kurt made a soft noise. “And this is hard so just let me talk it through okay?”

            “Of course,” Kurt nodded.

            “I…I’m so fucking sorry Kurt,” He scowled slightly as tears burned his eyes. “And sorry for crying.”

            “It’s okay,” Kurt smiled at his tearful chuckle.

            “I’m sorry for everything. Sorry for…for leading you on in the beginning. I knew you liked me and I liked you but I was too scared to do anything. Thank you for breaking me out of that by the way. I’m sorry for trying to make you something that you weren’t when you were at Dalton. I’m sorry for overreacting with Chandler. I just…just thought you didn’t want me anymore and I panicked.”

            “Oh Blaine…” Kurt’s eyes swam with tears.

            “I’m almost done,” Blaine wiped his eyes. “I’m sorry for Sebastian, I just…just liked the way he made me feel. I’m sorry for what I did in the parking lot at Scandals. That was so wrong and I hated myself for it. I’m sorry, so, so, sorry for Eli…the guy I…well you know. I’m sorry for not talking to you. I’m sorry for how I told you. I’m sorry for how I acted afterwards. I’m sorry for the drugs, for the…what I did. You shouldn’t have had to get involved and I am so, so sorry.”

            Kurt just nodded slightly, blinking rapidly.

            “You can talk now if you want,” Blaine chuckled.

            “Thank you for telling me all that,” He said softly. “I just wish I had listened more.”

            “And I should have spoken up,” Blaine shrugged. “But now we both know.”

            “And we can be better,” Kurt nodded.

            “I’m willing to try,” He smiled shyly and got a smile in return.

            “I can’t say that I am no longer angry. I don’t really…really know how I feel,” Kurt sighed, leaning back. “I was really hurt but I think I understand why you did what you did. Neither of us were blameless.”

            “I agree. We both hurt each other,” Blaine nodded.

            “So…do we start over?”

            “I don’t…don’t want to get back together,” Kurt froze for a moment, staring at Blaine. “I need to be on my own for a bit.”

            “I understand,” Kurt felt his heart sink.

            “I really care about you. I never doubted that,” Blaine sighed. “But I think we should just work on being friends.”

            “That’s all I want Blaine, to be your friend,” Kurt gave him a warm smile. “And for the record, don’t ever feel like you force me to get involved. I wanted to help you.”

            “You did,” Blaine grinned.

            “So, how about we plan for me to give you a tour of New York when you get here?” Kurt clapped his hands together. “Everywhere you want to go.”

            “I want to see everything!”

            “Of course you do,” Kurt teased. “Are you going back to McKinley?”

            “Yeah, I start up tomorrow. I’m kind of nervous you know?” Blaine ran his hand through his hair.

            “Why nervous?” Kurt rested his chin on his hand.

            “Just seeing everyone again. It’s like starting all over again,” He shrugged his shoulders.

            “Blaine, you’re a sweet, charming, smart guy. Everyone is going to love you,” He grinned as a slight blush spread across Blaine’s cheeks. “Just…just be yourself. The person you really are. And if they don’t like you, fuck them.”

            “I don’t think I’ve ever heard you curse,” Blaine teased, laughing.

            “Well I feel strongly about that!”

            “I know, I’ve worked too hard to be pushed aside,” His lips quirked up in a smile. “So, how about I tell you all about my last three months and then you tell me all about the amazing things that are happening in your internship.”

            “I’d love that.”

~*~

            Monday morning Blaine spent a full hour in front of the mirror trying on outfits. He had tried on the usual cardigans, sweater vests and bow ties before he decided that they weren’t really him.

            In the end he decided on a fitted pair of dark wash jeans, red converse, and a red and black striped sweater. He put a small amount of styling mousse in his hair and walked down the stairs.

            “Ready to go?” Cooper asked from where he was putting poptarts on a napkin.

            “Yup!” With a smile he took the napkin and took a huge bite of his breakfast. “I’ll see you when you get back from work.”

            “Have a good day at school sweetie,” Cooper pitched his voice higher and winked.

            “Shut up,” With a laugh Blaine walked out to his car and drove to McKinley. The familiar path felt strange to drive on and when he pulled into the parking lot his chest was tight with anxiety.

            He jumped when someone tapped on his window. Tina gave him a small wave and shy smile which he returned quickly, opening the door.

            “Hi,” She said gently.

            “Hey!” After a moment of hesitation he gave her a half hug. “How are you?”

            “I’m great,” Tina smiled at him. “How…how are you?”

            “Much better,” He noticed how uncomfortable she looked. “I’m okay really. I know that I acted…wrong…but I’m better now.”

            “You were just gone one day. A lot of rumors were spread and I have no idea what happened. You weren’t arrested for robbing a retirement home were you?” Her anxious expression softened when he laughed.

            “No, no,” Blaine shook his head. “I would rather explain in Glee…if I’m still welcome?”

            “Of course you’re still welcome,” Tina slapped his arm. “Let’s go to history.”

            With a grin, Blaine held his arm out for her and they walked to class together. He got many confused, worried looked and whispers followed him through the halls but he ignored them, keeping his head up high.

            “Welcome back Blaine!” Mr. Schue announced as soon as he walked into the room and everyone’s eyes snapped over to him.

            “Hi everyone,” He smiled and gave a little wave. “If it’s alright with you, I’d like to audition for glee club.”

            “You are always welcome here,” Mr. Schue said with an easy smile.

            “I’d really like to audition and I’d really like to explain where I’ve been for the past three months and why I acted the way I did,” The club’s expressions turned curious and several of them leaned forward.

            “You have the floor,” The teacher sat with the rest of his students and Blaine moved to stand in the front of the class.

            “I made some mistakes. You all know I cheated on Kurt and I regret that more than anything,” Someone made a small noise which was instantly shushed. “I didn’t deal well with the breakup. I…I started drinking a lot and met some people who I should have stayed away from.

            I got involved in drugs. Most of the time I was here I was so high I don’t even remember it. I ended up overdosing and was in the hospital for a bit. So, for the past three months I’ve been in rehab.”

            “Rehab?” Sugar blurted out and was shushed by most of the club.

            “I’ve learned a lot about myself and I’m trying so hard to be a better person. I know that I’ve done a lot of things to push you guys away but I’d love to be your friend. I know that glee helps support each other and I’m just asking…”

            “Of course!” Tina broke in, eyes wide. “Blaine, we’re here. Whatever you need we’re here.”

            “Totally we’ve got your back!” Sam nodded. “Dude I had no idea.”

            “It wasn’t something I really wanted to advertise it at the time,” Blaine blushed.

            “I missed you Blaine,” Brittany spoke up and many of the club members nodded, smiling.

            “You’ve got our support,” Artie looked around the club as they all nodded.

            “Thank you guys,” Blaine smiled, tears flashing in his eyes. “You have no idea what that means to me. If it’s alright, I’d love to sing something?”

            “Go right ahead Blaine,” Mr. Schue nodded with a small smile.

            Blaine closed his eyes for a moment before starting to sing, the piano joining in shortly after.

           _Look at me, look at me_

_I am changing_

_Trying every way I can_

_I am changing_

_I’ll be better than I am_

_I’m trying to fin a way to understand_

_But I need you, I need you_

_I need a hand_

_I am changing_

_Seeing everything so clear_

_I am changing_

_I’m gonna start right now, right here_

_I’m hoping to work it out_

_And I know that I can_

_But I need you, I need a hand_

_All of my life I’ve been a fool_

_Who said I could do it alone_

_How many good friends have I already lost?_

_How many dark nights have I known?_

_Walking down that wrong road_

_There was nothing I could find_

_All those years of darkness_

_Could make a person blind_

_But now I can see_

_I am changing_

_Trying every way I can_

_I am changing_

_I’ll be better than I am_

_But I need a friend_

_To help me start all over again_

_That would be just fine_

_I know it’s gonna work out this time_

_‘Cause this time I am_

_This time I am_

_I am changing_

_I’ll get my life together now_

_I am changing_

_Yes I know how_

_I’m gonna start again_

_I’m gonna leave my past behind_

_I’ll change my life_

_I’ll make a vow and nothing’s gonna stop me now_  

            He took a deep breath and opened his eyes to see bright smiled directed at him.

            “Welcome back Blaine,” Mr. Schue said with a wide smile as the rest of the club started clapping enthusiastically.

            “It’s so good to be back!” Blaine grinned at them. 


	18. Chapter 18

        “Hey Blaine?” Sam gently took Blaine’s arm. “Can we like…talk?”

            “Sure,” He shrugged slightly. “Do you have free period now?”

            “Yeah. The choir room should be empty if you want to talk there?” He nodded his head towards the hall and Blaine nodded, smiling.

            They walked in silence and stood near the piano for a few minutes. Feeling a little uncomfortable and claustrophobic from the silence, Blaine fiddled with the sleeves of his sweater. 

            “Oh.”

            He jumped and saw Sam’s wide eyed stare at the scars on his arm. There were lines of shadowed marks up and down his forearms.

            “I’m sorry,” Blaine blushed, pulling his sleeves down.

            “It’s okay, can…can I see?”

            “Okay,” He pulled his sleeves back further and Sam gently ran his fingers over the marks, looking sad.

            “I’m sorry Blaine,” He said softly, letting his hands fall by his side. “I’m so sorry about what happened.”

            “It wasn’t your fault.”

            “But I was your friend. I was your friend and as soon as I heard what happened I just…just went along with everyone else,” Sam sighed. “I knew your were lonely. I knew you were upset. I didn’t even have to look for it, you flat out told me. I did nothing.”

            “It’s not your job to help,” Blaine shrugged.

            “It is though. I’m your friend,” Sam gave him a small half smile. “I was just confused as to why you did it and…and I’m living at the Hummel’s so the only information I got was from Finn who wasn’t your biggest fan. I never even tried to talk to you. I suck.”

            “I didn’t make it easy on you.”

            “You can keep saying that over and over again but it doesn’t erase the fact that I was a really shitty friend. I’ve been a shitty friend since the beginning,” He ran his hands through his hair. “You shouldn’t have to apologize to us, we should have been the ones to apologize to you.”

            “It’s part of the program. I can only do as much as I can to ask for forgiveness,” He smiled. “I can only apologize for what I did.”

            “Well…let me apologize too,” Sam let out a laugh.

            “Apology accepted, okay?” Blaine grinned.

            “And I accept your apology,” Sam gave him a goofy grin. “Can we start over?”

            “Absolutely,” With a nod and a smile, Blaine held his hand out. “I’m Blaine.”

            “It’s nice to meet you Blaine, I’m Sam,” He shook his hand.

            Many of the Glee club members came to talk to him afterwards. Eventually he started getting pulled into empty corners for private conversations during every passing period.

            Tina had sobbed through an apology, hardly getting three words out.

            Sugar asked why he hadn’t told them since she could have gotten him into the fancy beachside rehab most of her relatives went to.

            Marley had apologized for judging him too quickly and gave him her number just in case he ever wanted to talk.

            Artie had apologized profusely, looking far more upset that Blaine had ever seen him.

            All too quickly he felt like he was falling back into a routine.

            Glee became a sanctuary and for the first time he didn’t feel like he was living life on the sidelines. It was a little obvious that most of the members were still a little uncomfortable and awkward around him but at least they were trying.

            “I want to sing a song!” Brittany jumped up in the middle of Mr. Schue’s speech, startling him into silence.

            “Well Brittany, I’m kind of in the middle of a lecture…”

            “Please, please, this is important,” She gave him big puppy eyes until he sighed and sat down. The blonde grinned and hopped up to the front of the room.

            “Okay,” She clapped her hands together. “I wanted to sing a song to Blaine.”

            “Oh Britt, you don’t have to,” Blaine said gently, feeling a slight blush on his cheeks from the attention.

            “I do. I think you’re one of my best friends. You never called me stupid or made fun of me. You were always nice to me. I was super sad when Santana broke up with me and I ignored you even though I knew you were sad. I’m sorry and I want to be your friend again.”

            Her wide eyes were bright with unshed tears.

            “Britt, you’re always going to be my friend,” Blaine swallowed around the lump in his throat.

            “Can I sing a song to you?”

            “Of course,” He nodded, giving her another small smile.

            “Okay, here I go,” She bounced from foot to foot.

            _If you ever find yourself stuck in the middle of the sea_

_I’ll sail the world to find you_

_If you ever find yourself lost in the dark and you can’t see_

_I’ll be the light to guide you_

_Find out what we’re made of_

_When we are called to help out friends in need_

_You can count on me like one, two, three, I’ll be there_

_And I know when I’m needed_

_I can count on your like four, three, two, and you’ll be there_

_‘Cause that’s what friends are supposed to do_

_If you toss and you turn and you just can’t fall asleep_

_I’ll sing a song beside you_

_And if you ever forget how much you really mean to me_

_Everyday I will remind you_

_Find out what we’re made of_

_When we are called to help our friends in need_

_You can count on me like one, two, three, I’ll be there_

_And I know when I’m needed_

_I can count on you like four, three, two, and you’ll be there_

_‘Cause that’s what friends are supposed to do_

_You’ll always have my shoulder when you cry_

_I’ll never let go, never say goodbye_

_You know you can count on me like one, two, three, I’ll be there_

_And I know when I’m needed_

_I can count on your like four, three, two, and you’ll be there_

_‘Cause that’s what friends are supposed to do_

_You can count on me ‘cause I can count on you_

            As soon as she was finished Blaine was up and hugging her tightly, even before the rest of the club started clapping.

            “I’m sorry,” She whispered in his ear and he blinked away tears.

            “I forgive you,” He said back and squeezed her tighter before pulling back. “Thank you.”

            “I meant everything I said in the song,” Brittany wiped her eyes. “Except for the part about the ocean since I don’t know how to sail a sailboat.”

            “I appreciate it.”

            “But I could find someone who did,” She continued, nodding so that her ponytail bobbed.

            “I get it honey,” Blaine laughed.

            “I missed you,” She launched herself into his arms again.

            “I missed you too Britt,” He hugged her again and they moved around in circles laughing before he pulled away. “Now we have to figure out a set list for regionals. We are so making it to nationals this year.”

            The club broke into enthusiastic cheers and instantly started brainstorming new ideas.

            Later that day he walked back home with a wide smile on his face. He stepped into the house and dropped his backpack on the floor, humming to himself as he walked into the kitchen.

            “Blaine.”

            The sudden voice startled him into spinning around and he saw his mother standing by the fridge, holding a bottle of sparkling water. She was wearing one of her expensive dresses with her pearl necklace and earrings with her hair up in a severe bun.

            “Mom,” He said after a long silence. “When did you get home? Is dad here?”

            “You’re father is at work,” Her face remained dark. “I got home as soon as I heard you were back from that…that place.”

            “I’ve been home for three weeks,” He tried to ignore the tightness in his chest.

            “Well, we’ve been busy,” She shrugged, walking up to him with her heels clicking loudly. “How could you? How stupid could you be?”

            “What?” His voice was sharp.

            “Do you have any idea what you could have done to our reputation? God knows your father had to work so hard after you came out. It’s like you keep insisting on dragging our name through the mud. First it’s you like boys then it’s you are a junkie. What next Blaine?” Her eyes were icy cold. “You better be almost done with this rebellious phase because I don’t think your father can cover up something else.”

            “My being gay is not a phase,” He spat, anger building. “It’s a part of me and it makes me who I am.”

            “It made you sleep with men for drugs,” His mother sighed. “Do you know what they call people like that? Whores. Prostitutes. Sluts.”

            “That’s not why I did it.”

            “Oh that’s right. You broke up with your boyfriend. Was it because you weren’t being fucked?” He winced at her poisonous words. “Sweetheart, if you need that to keep in line we can get you toys or something. Just anything to not ruin your father.”

            She spun on her heel and started walking out of the kitchen.

            “You’re such a bitch,” He muttered under his breath and she froze.

            “Excuse me?”

            “You. Are. A. Fucking. Bitch,” All the hurt and anger bubbled over. “And I hate you.”

            “You ungrateful brat,” She walked closer to him. “I am your mother.”

            “No you are not. You may have given birth to me but you are in no way my mother,” Tears burned his eyes. “You are a horrible person who doesn’t care about anything besides yourself.”

            “How can you say that? I was there for you when you were attacked, remember that?”

            “Please, you got your breast implants the same weekend at the hospital. I remember being in excruciating pain from being beaten within an inch of my life and you complaining because the implants weren’t as big as you expected,” His eyes narrowed.

            “Well it was your fault you got hurt in the first place.”

            “You’re a disgusting evil bitch who only cares about herself and when you are old and dad leaves you because no amount of plastic surgery can make him stay you will be alone. You’ll be alone because your children hate you,” A strange sense of calm flooded him. “Remember that you are going to die alone and despised.”

            “How dare you say that!” Her voice was shrill. “Get the fuck out of my house!”

            “I was going to stay with Cooper anyway,” He spat back and walked up the stairs to his room, stuffing everything he could into a duffle bag. His hands began to shake as he called Cooper.

            “Hey little brother,” He answered cheerily.

            “Mom’s home,” Blaine’s voice cracked and it was like a dam broke as he started sobbing. “I can’t be here anymore. I can’t.”

            “Okay, just breathe,” Cooper said soothingly. “Just drive to my apartment. You can stay in the guest room and we’ll move all your stuff.”

            He tried to take some deep breaths before hurrying downstairs, grabbing his keys and starting the car.

            “Okay, I’m going.”

            “I’m going to try to get off work early. There’s someone who can substitute for me and I’ll come. Until then just…just sit tight,” The worry in his voice made more tears spring to Blaine’s eyes as he drove.

            “I’m not going to do anything,” He whispered. “I promise Cooper.”

            “I know. I trust you,” He heard Cooper speaking to someone on the other end as he pulled into the parking lot of the apartment complex.

            “Okay I’m here.”

            “I’m on my way,” He could hear Cooper’s car starting in the background. “Just stay on the phone with me.”

            “Cooper, I’m okay,” Blaine sighed as he unlocked the front door and stepped into the sparse living room, sitting on the couch.

            Cooper continued to say soft reassuring things until he burst into the apartment, eyes wide.

            “See, no bottles or needles,” Blaine gave him a half smile and Cooper’s body sagged in relief. “Did you really have so little faith in me?”

            “I was just worried,” Cooper sat down next to him, pulling him into a hug. “Just the way you sounded on the phone…it just scared me.”

            “She said that I was ruining the family name,” Blaine eyes filled with tears again and he felt his shoulder shake with sobs. “That my…my being gay led me to doing drugs. That maybe if I could satisfy myself with a cock I wouldn’t have done it.”

            “Bitch,” Cooper snarled.

            “She’s wrong,” He sniffed, breathing hard. “She’s wrong and I hate her.”

            “You’re going to stay here until you go off to school okay?” Cooper rubbed his back. “We have the money saved up for NYU and you have some scholarships. It’ll be okay.”

            “I can’t stay here,” Blaine sighed. “I can’t put you out.”

            “Why do you think I got the extra room?” Cooper laughed softly.

            “I just…I don’t understand. Why would she say that? I’m her son,” He broke off into harsh sobs. “I don’t understand why she doesn’t love me. She’s my mom.”

            “Because she doesn’t see the smart, talented, kind, amazing kid you are,” Cooper said sharply. “And it’s her loss.”

            “Thank you Cooper.”

            “Anything for you little brother,” He hugged him tighter.


	19. Chapter 19

           Blaine could never understand why the cookies were always stale at the NA meetings. He had been good and gone to a meeting every week after he had gotten back, getting another pin. Some familiar faces, Clyde and Carrie, were among the group and had welcomed Blaine in with open arms.

            But for some reason the cookies always sucked.

            “Dude…what the hell kind of crappy generic oreos are these?” Cooper scrunched his nose up and Blaine felt the now familiar sense of frustration swell up in him.

            “They suck,” Blaine mumbled around a chocolate chip oatmeal cookie.

            The meeting had gone well, inviting the recovering addicts, family and friends speak their minds. Going to the meetings gave Blaine a sense of belonging. When the world outside of rehab got too overwhelming he liked the tight community he had found.

            But Cooper was always there.

            Honestly, he was so lucky to have such a supportive brother. Cooper was there for him and was willing to be a part of his recovery which was more than most of the members of the group. After his parents threw him out he needed some family there.

            But he was there making a nice healthy breakfast in the morning.

            He was there when Blaine got home from school with a snack.

            He was there to subtlety go through Blaine’s things.

            He was there to make him dinner.

            He was there to check in every ten minutes.

            He was there to give him a big glass of water and put him to bed.

            It was exhausting.

            “Ready to roll?” Cooper smiled cheerfully as he jingled the car keys. Blaine gave him a tight lipped smile in return and nodded.

            “Let me just say goodbye to everyone,” He said quickly and made a round of the room, giving a few hugs before following his brother out to the car.

            “So do you want to get a burger or something?”

            “Not really,” He shrugged.

            “Ice cream?”

            “No.”

            “Milkshake?”

            “What are you doing?” Blaine glanced over.

            “I’m trying to get some food or ice cream?” Cooper stared straight ahead as he drove.

            “Why?”

            “Because it sounded good?” His eyebrows furrowed.

            “No, why are you doing this whole thing? The taking me everywhere? The being with me all the time?”

            “Maybe because I’m trying to be a good brother,” Cooper sat a little stiffer in his seat.

            “You don’t need to do this much. What….do you think I’m going to go back to drugs if you don’t watch me all the time?” He snapped. “That if you are the perfect big brother I’ll be okay? Do you think I don’t know that you go through my things? That you’re looking for any sign that I went back?”

            Cooper stayed silent.

            “You can’t follow me around forever.”

            “I can try!” Cooper suddenly exploded, startling Blaine. “Fuck Blaine do you think you’re the only one who feels guilty? I want to help you. I want to help you because I was never there before.”

            “You’re not helping!”

            “Okay, calm down,” Cooper’s voice was tight.

            “No! I’m allowed to get angry! I’m not going to run out and shoot up or fuck a stranger. You can’t keep me in this bubble for the rest of my life,” He was shaking slightly with rage and Cooper swerved his car into the side of the road and parked.

            “Blaine I nearly saw you die twice. I still have nightmares about getting the phone call after that dance and I will never forget how much pain you were in with the withdrawal,” He took a deep breath. “I don’t want to lose you.”

            “You wont,” Blaine stared at his brother. “But I can do this on my own.”

            “You don’t have to.” Cooper shook his head frantically.

            “I do,” Blaine said softly. “Cooper I need to do this on my own. I mean…do you trust me?”

            “Of course I trust you,” Cooper sighed. “It just scares me.”

            “What are you so scared of?”

            “I don’t know…” Cooper leaned back against the seat. “Something stressed you enough to start doing it in the first place right? I don’t want you to have any of that stress.”

            “I can’t live a stress free life. I have college to prepare for, friends to deal with, and…you know…the fact that our parents are homophobic assholes who disowned their own son,” He let out a shaky laugh. “It’s like I can’t get a break. It’s just one shitty thing after another.”

            “It’s not fair,” Cooper looked over at him sadly. “I just want you to have a normal, happy life Blaine.”

            “Well, a normal life isn’t really in the cards anymore,” Blaine shrugged.  “And maybe it really hasn’t been happy so far but…but I need to make it happen. I need to work to make myself happy.”

            “I’m proud of you Blainers.”

            “And just…tone it down?” He smiled when Cooper laughed. “I know you mean well Coop but you want erase what happened. No matter how many fancy pastries you get me for breakfast.”

            “I usually eat three by the time I get home from picking them up. You just get the leftover one,” He poked his brother in the shoulder. “I don’t know…maybe with you going off to school I’m just worried.”

            “So you’re suffering from empty nest syndrome? Nice to see someone is since our parents aren’t,” Blaine grinned and Cooper’s smile fell.

            “Don’t joke about that.”

            “I’m sorry,” Blaine sighed. “I’m just saying that you’re my big brother. You’re not my dad. So, the idea of you constantly on me instead of living a life just makes me sad. Coop, go out and meet up with friends, meet a girl, do something!”

            “I’m an all or nothing kind of guy I think,” Cooper shook his head. “Maybe I went overboard.”

            “Maybe?”

            “Okay, I did,” Cooper rolled his eyes. “But it was for you.”

            “You’re my only family Cooper,” Blaine took in a shaky breath, feeling his chest tighten. “And I love you and appreciate everything you’ve done. Seriously appreciate it. Let me try to do this on my own and if I need it I will ask for help.”

            “I’ll miss you when you go off to school.”

            “I’ll miss you too,” Blaine smiled. “But this time we’ll talk.”

            “Absolutely,” Cooper squeezed his shoulder. “But…I would still like to come to the meetings if that’s okay. They’re helping me understand everything more.”

            “I’d like that,” Blaine shrugged. “And maybe you can also talk to the cute girl down the hall from your apartment?”

            “Lisa?” Cooper frowned. “She doesn’t feel anything towards me.”

            “Coop, did you really think the mailman was accidentally putting our mail in her box? She drops it off every day.”

            “Huh.”

            Blaine’s phone beeped with an incoming text and he glanced down.

        _From Sam: Halo tournament? I need someone on my team to totally destroy Finn_

_To Sam: I’m so in_

            “In fact, you can have the apartment to yourself tonight,” He said as he finished typing. “I’m going to play video games with the guys.”

            “Fun,” Cooper nodded as he pulled into the driveway.

            “Get pizza or something,” Blaine hopped out, unlocking his own car. “Invite Lisa.”

            “Ha ha,” Cooper rolled his eyes. “Go play your video games.”

            Blaine grinned at him, walking to his car. A slender, pretty blonde girl smiled warmly at him as she stepped out of her car as well, carrying several grocery bags.

            “Hi Blaine,” She nodded at him.

            “Hi Lisa!” He said loudly and out of the corner of his eye saw Cooper freeze. “That’s a lot of groceries. I’m sure Cooper would be more than happy to help you out with them.”

            “Of course!” Cooper jogged over, taking most of the bag. Lisa blushed prettily and gave Cooper a smile as he shot a glare at his brother.

            “I might be home late.”

            “I’ll see you later,” Cooper nodded again and Blaine slipped into his car, still grinning. 


	20. Chapter 20

        Graduation was a quiet affair.

            Blaine remembered when Cooper graduated. His parents had hosted a huge party with a lavish catered meal and their family members had brought expensive presents for him. Blaine had been young but he remembered how proud Cooper had been in his cap and gown surrounded by family.

            He stood with his fellow seniors knowing that he was getting none of that.

            The extravagant dinner was Chinese take out in Cooper’s living room. The brothers had ordered all their favorites and ate way too many eggrolls. A few minutes into dinner Lisa, who Cooper had been seeing for a few weeks, showed up with a homemade chocolate cake and a shy smile.

            “Just…thought I’d say congratulations,” She shrugged and Blaine had waved her in to join them.

            After having put on the garish red robe and hat Blaine frowned at himself in the mirror. Sam slapped him on the back and laughed.

            “Dude, I can’t believe we’re freaking graduating!”

            “I know,” Blaine gave him a small smile.

            “I mean it’s…” Sam paused, feeling the raised areas from the pins lining the inside of Blaine’s collar. “What’s that?”

            “This?” Blaine flipped his collar up slightly. “They’re my sobriety pins, I’ve got five.”

            “Why are you wearing them?”

            “Well…I figured everyone is wearing pins or sashes or cords showing their accomplishments right? It’s an accomplishment that I’m really proud of,” He felt a little blush stain his cheeks. “It’s silly…and you can’t even really see them but I wanted them for me.”

            “It’s not silly,” Sam gave him a smile. “It’s definitely more impressive than the kids who got those big metals for donating blood once.”

            “Thanks Sam,” He gave his friend a hug.

            “Bro you should be the one to give a speech today. I swear you’re like the most inspiring person I know,” With another squeeze, Sam pulled back.

            “I guess spending three months in rehab is enough to be impeached,” Blaine rolled his eyes. “My speech would have kicked ass.”

            “Hell yeah!”

            The call for all seniors to get in order made them walk to the opening of the auditorium, Blaine near the front and Tina slid in behind him, giving him a quick hug.

            Music started, some upbeat poppy song that Blaine didn’t really pay attention to, and one by one the students were called in.

            “Blaine Devon Anderson,” Principal Figgins called out and Blaine shot a quick grin over his shoulder to his friends before walking in. He found himself smiling widely as he walked down the stairs.

            He could see Cooper grinning brightly, Lisa at his side. Already planning to tease his brother for bringing a date to his graduation, Blaine gave him a smug smile.

            His stride slowed a bit when he saw a beaming Burt and Carole standing next to him. To his surprise, Carole leaned over and pulled him into a tight hug and Burt did the same right after.

            “What are you guys doing here?” He asked in surprise.

            “We’re here to support you sweetheart,” Carole grinned.

            His face split into a wide grin and he took a few steps back, freezing when a bright shock of yellow caught his eye.

            Kurt smiled shyly at him from the other side of Burt. He was wearing a yellow button up, grey blazer, and his hair was up in the most amazing style.

            “Hi,” Blaine breathed.

            “Hey,”

            “You’re holding up the line,” Tina took his hand, waving at Kurt. Blaine took a few steps backwards, smiling slightly at Kurt before turning around and hurrying up the stage to take his diploma and slide the tassel to the other side on his hat.

            Tina walked up after him, linking their arms together and grinned. She leaned into him and they waited until the rest of their class joined them on the stage. Tina was practically bouncing as Figgins finished his speech.

            “And congratulations to the McKinley High School class of 2013!”

            The group exploded in cheers and Tina instantly wrapped her arms around Blaine’s neck, screaming into his ears. He laughed loudly and they hopped in a circle as balloons fell.

            “Well congratulations high school grad!” She planted a big kiss on his cheek.

            “And you as well,” He gave her another tight hug.

            “I need to go take a million pictures with my family,” She sighed and pulled back. “But I’ll see you tomorrow? Love you!”

            “Love you too!” He grinned she bounded off.

            “Hey!” Cooper tackled him and nearly knocked him off his feet. “Happy graduation B!”

            “Thanks!” He laughed, voice somewhat muffled.

            “You did good kiddo,” Burt smiled warmly and Carole nodded frantically, eyes bright with unshed tears.

            Blaine’s eyes slid to where Kurt was standing to the side and with a deep breath, pulled away from his brother. With a quick smile he walked over to Kurt, noticing that the others walked away to give them some privacy.

            “Congratulations,” Kurt gave him a half smile.

            “Thanks,” Blaine tugged the hat off his head. “I’m kind of happy it’s over now.”

            “I know that feeling,” He laughed softly. “But God Blaine, you look so good.”

            They hovered near each other for a moment before Kurt laughed and hugged him tightly. Instantly, Blaine melted slightly into his hold and grinned.

            “Last time I felt like my arms could go around you twice,” He laughed as he pulled away. “You look happy. Healthy.”

            “I am happy,” Blaine said. “So you came all the way back here for graduation?”

            “Um…yeah,” He smiled sheepishly. “I wanted to be here for my friends. You know Tina, Sam…you.”

            “I’m really glad you’re here,” Blaine glanced over to see Cooper staring intently at him, Lisa grinning widely.

            Both boys fell quiet and looked around at the celebrating families for a bit. For a moment Blaine’s chest ached as he watched the proud parents hugging and kissing their children.

            “Cooper told me what happened….with your parents I mean,” Kurt winced a little. “I’m so, so sorry Blaine.”

            “Don’t be sorry. It sucks but I’m better off without them,” Blaine’s lips quirked upwards in an attempt of a smile but it fell short. “Honestly, I’d rather talk about happier things.”

            “Like how you’re now a high school graduate with the world before him?” Kurt laughed before his smile faded slightly. “I really am so proud of you, of how far you’ve come. That last time I saw you…well it scared me.”

            “I scared myself,” He ran a hand through his hair. “I’m sorry you had to see me like that.”

            “I just wish I could have helped more.”

            “I don’t really,” Blaine gave a little shrug. “I started off doing this on my own and I’m doing it. There was a point in the beginning when I never thought I would get here but I did. I graduated, I’m going to college and it’s all because of me. That’s what I want, to be proud of myself and I am.”

            Kurt’s face split into a wide grin and he pulled Blaine into another tight hug.

            “I’m so happy that you’re happy,” He whispered into his ear.

            “You know, I’m staying in Hayden Hall my first year so I officially have a New York City address,” A smile lit up his face.

            “Then we officially live in the same city.”

            “I am so expecting a tour,” Blaine laughed.

            “I gave you a tour last time you visited!”

            “Well I want another one since I’m a real New Yorker now,” He nudged Kurt’s shoulder with his own.

            “Prepare yourself for the greatest tour of your life,” Kurt’s eyes sparkled.

            “So, Cooper and Lisa were going to take me out to a fancy dinner at some steakhouse she works at,” He gave him a hesitant smile. “Your family and you are more than welcome to come join us.”

            “I’d love to.”

            After graduation Kurt and Blaine talked all the time. They texted continuously, skyped, and called each other at least once a day. It was a little surprising how easily they slipped back into their friendship.

            By the time Blaine moved into his dorm in August they would both call each other their best friend. Kurt snuck in after a starry eyed freshman into Hayden Hall and climbed up the stairs to room 314, knocking on the door.

            “Kurt! Hey!” Blaine answered the door in a pair of jeans and his NYU sweatshirt. “Come on in, see the wonders of my magnificent dorm room.”

            He waved his hand into the small room motioning to the huge pile of boxes. One bed was set up in a corner and a desk was in the other.

            “Ah, you scored a private room?”

            “Not really,” Blaine shrugged. “My roommate is no longer coming because of something involving him being caught up in some legal stuff…anyway he is no longer enrolled so I get the room to myself.”

            “Fancy,” Kurt looked into the small bathroom.

            “It’s practically a luxury New York flat,” Blaine eyes shone. “But I’m here.”

            “You made it,” Kurt gave him a quick smile.

            “Want to help me unpack?” Blaine motioned to the boxes. “I figured you were the best person to organize my closet. I do have a lot of new clothes.”

            “I saw!” Kurt opened a box to find several layers of shirts. “Henleys, band shirts, cardigans. No bowties?”

            “Naw,” Blaine shrugged a little and went back to tacking pictures on his wall. “I figured…they weren’t really my style.”

            “Well these shirts would look really nice on you,” Kurt ran his fingers over the soft fabric of a Beatles shirt.

            “Thanks,” Blaine gave him a shy little smile.

            “So what classes are you taking this semester?” Kurt started organizing them based on color and style.

            “All pretty basic stuff,” Blaine shrugged. “Intro to composition, intro to voice, piano, English, a math course. That kind of stuff. It’s not that much.”

            “Still,” Kurt grinned as he started hanging up clothes in the tiny closet. “You’re a college man now. It’s very impressive.”

            “Well, I try,” Blaine shot a grin over his shoulder.

            “And if you get sick of frat parties or dorm functions you can always come over to my apartment. Rachel keeps it pretty well stocked with pink moscato and fancy bagels.”

            “How can I resist that?” Blaine chucked. “How about we unpack some of this and then go out for dinner? You take us to your favorite place.”

            Kurt continued to unpack the clothes until they were packed tightly into the tiny closet space. He organized his shoes and stepped back, smiling at his hard work before turning back.

            Blaine had finished covering the wall with pictures and was smoothing out his dark green comforter. The smiling faces of Cooper and the New Directions beamed at him from the photos and the picture of their dance at their first prom caught his eye.

            “You kept this?” He smoothed his fingers over the picture, smiling at the look of clear adoration of each of their faces.

            “I had fun that night,” Blaine shrugged and Kurt saw a faint blush on his cheeks. “I was so scared and I faced my fears. It was kind of a personal victory you know?”  

            “I remember,” Kurt stepped back.

            “And there’s the picture from the other prom,” He grinned and pointed out the picture of them on the prop dinosaur, Kurt laughing at their faces and the wildly frizzy, curly hair.

            “Thank God you figured out how best to style your hair,” Kurt laughed. “I like you hair curly, not chia pet.”

            Blaine ducked his head and laughed loudly.

            “Well, I’ve pretty much learned to accept it now,” He shrugged. “I guess I’ve learned to accept a lot of things.”

            “I’m glad,” Kurt nudged his shoulder with his own. “How does pizza sound?”

            “Pizza? That doesn’t sound like you!”

            “You’re a New Yorker Blaine, you have to eat pizza,” Kurt grinned. “There’s this great little place owned by an Italian family down the street.”

            “Let’s go!”

            When they finally got to the pizza place they found a little corner booth and took a seat. Blaine started talking enthusiastically about an organization he was looking into and Kurt took the time to really look at him.

            Blaine smile was softer around the edges, not as strained. His eyes almost glowed as he talked and his usually impeccable posture was more relaxed. He looked so much happier than he ever had before.

            He wasn’t the same boy he was.

            “So what are you planning on doing with your degree?” Kurt asked as he took a bite of the veggie pizza.

            “I don’t really know yet,” Blaine laughed and shrugged. “I’m not sure if I want to go into performing like Broadway or anything. The thing Cooper’s doing, he’s getting certified by the way, is really cool. I’m kind of wanting to go into music education for an elementary school.”

            “Aw, I can totally see that,” Kurt grinned. “Sing us a song Mr. Anderson!”

            “I’ll have to stock up on vests.”

            “God no, don’t become Mr. Schue,” Kurt shuddered.

            “Well I’m lucky I’m friends with an up and coming designer,” Blaine winked. “You can have a new line of clothing for stylish teachers.”

            “I can see it now!”

            Blaine’s wide grin made his heart jump slightly. He truly was a different person. The confidence and pure happiness that shone in his eyes was infectious and Kurt found himself smiling constantly.

            When Blaine started talking excitedly about one of his classes something flipped in Kurt’s chest.

            This charming, confident, happy boy wasn’t the same Blaine he knew.

            But…maybe this was better.

            Maybe he was crushing on him a little.

            Or a lot. 


	21. Chapter 21

           School was so much harder than Blaine expected.

            His classes were amazing. College was everything he had ever imagined it was and he found himself flourishing. There was a group of about ten students who met for the recovery group and they were extremely welcoming, happily accepting him.

            But these damn papers.

            A small coffee shop outside of campus was where he usually worked on his homework. It had small collections of mismatched sofas and armchairs and made delicious coffee.

            He was in his usual spot, curled up on a patchwork sofa in the corner of the shop, frowning at his laptop as he tried to work on his essay. With a frown, he glared at his books but for the life of him he couldn’t figure what else to add to his paper to make it meet the length requirement.

            “Medium drip for Blaine!” The barista called out, making Blaine’s head snap up in confusion.

            Kurt was standing at the counter, giving him a little smile, and raised the coffee cup. Grinning, Blaine jumped up and walked over.

            “You know my coffee order?” He teased.

            “Of course,” Kurt rolled his eyes. “And you might even convince me to share this cookie. Sorry, didn’t mean to distract you from studying.”

            “It’s fine, you’re far more interesting than the history of composition,” Blaine grinned over his shoulder as they walked back to his corner. “So, what brings you here? It’s really out of your way isn’t it?”

            “Yeah but I wanted to talk to you,” Kurt looked at his feet and Blaine could see his ears burning pink.

            “About what?”

            “Let’s go out to dinner,” He blurted out.

            “We go out to eat like three times a week,” Blaine frowned a little in confusion.

            “I mean…I want to take you on like…a date…” Kurt blushed further.

            “A date?” Blaine’s eyes widened. “Kurt…”

            “Okay let me explain,” Kurt held his hands up. “I know that our last attempt at a relationship didn’t work. I know we wanted to remain friends and I respect that but hear me out. This time I’m not instantly crushing on you. I’m not blinded by the fancy Dalton blazer or your show of being Mr. Big Man on Campus and my own personal Superman. I think I finally see the real you and I really, really, really like you.”

            “Oh.”

            “I like this person. I really like this person,” He continued to stare at his feet. “But if you want to stay friends I’m okay with that. I want to be your friend Blaine, I don’t want to lose you.”

            “Okay.”

            “Okay?” Kurt blinked at him.

            “Okay, let’s go on a date,” Blaine blushed slightly. “Let’s give this a try.”

            “Alright!” Kurt grinned, feeling so much lighter. “So tonight? I know this amazing little bistro we can go to.”

            “I’d love to,” Blaine smile and ran a hand through his hair. “But…I have a recovery meeting tonight. I can let you know when I get out or…”

            “Or?”

            “Or you can come with me?” Then Blaine blushed again. “But that’s not much fun so I can just call you. That’ll be better.”

            “I’d like to come,” Kurt gently took his hand. “I went to a few meetings when you first went into rehab. I wouldn’t mind coming if you wanted me to.”

            “Why do you want to come?”

            “If we’re going to be in a relationship…and that’s if we want to…I want to support you through everything. I want to find out how best to help you and see what you have to struggle with,” He squeezed Blaine’s hand lightly. “I want to be there for you.”

            “It’s tonight in the Student Health Center at six. We can go to dinner after,” Kurt thought he saw a flash of tears in his eyes. “I’m really looking forward to it.”

            “Me too,” Kurt grinned. “So, want half of my snickerdoodle?”

            “Sounds dirty,” Blaine winked.

            “Oh honey, we haven’t even had our first date,” Kurt teased back, leaning back into the cushions.  

            “Just one date? What kind of boy do you think I am?” Blaine grinned and took half a cookie. “I’m a classy guy.”

            “Oh, the classiest!”

            That night Blaine looked through his closet, glaring at his clothes. Nothing he owned looked right, nothing looked like he was going on a date. After a few days trying to look nice he had surrendered to wearing a sweatshirt and jeans to every class.

            Finally, he pulled out a pair of dark skinny jeans and a lavender button up. After fidgeting with the cuffs on his sleeves he hurried downstairs to see Kurt waiting in the lobby.

            “You look amazing,” Blaine blurted.

            He did. Kurt was wearing an off the shoulder bright red sweater and white jeans with black boots. He smiled shyly at Blaine and the two boys stood apart, staring at each other.

            “So…wanna head out?” Blaine motioned to the door. “I’m not too far away.”

            “Sure,” Kurt shrugged.

            They started waking down the sidewalk, not looking at each other as they went. After a few moments of silence Blaine took a deep breath and reached over to intertwine their fingers together.

            Kurt jumped and looked down at their hands before smiling softly.

            “So, what should I expect?”

            “I think tonight is open discussion night. We have a topic we need to talk about with the group. Last time it was letting go,” Blaine smiled. “They’re usually a little cheesy like that.”

            “I’ve been looking forward to this,” Kurt announced as they entered the building and Blaine led him up to the room.

            “We’ll see how you feel about me after this,” Blaine smiled slightly.

            “I need to learn to like every part of you, good and bad,” Kurt squeezed his hand. “Let’s go in.”

            They stepped into the room, the members waving at Blaine and looking curiously at Kurt. With a shrug and a smile Blaine motioned to the circle of chairs, sitting in one.

            “Alright guys!” A smiling man covered in tattoos waved his hands to get everyone’s attention. “We have a topic of the day, HALTS.”

            “What’s HALTS?” Kurt muttered to Blaine.

            “It’s something you learn in rehab. It means don’t get too hungry, angry, lonely, tired or serious,” Blaine whispered back.

            “Who wants to start?”

            A slim dark haired girl raised her hand and smiled around the circle. They sat quietly, listening to the group talk for a while before most of the group had spoken.

            “Blaine? Care to talk?” The leader turned to him, smile in place.

            “Oh no I’m okay,” He waved his hand and shrugged.

            “You sure?”

            “It’s okay,” Kurt whispered next to him, reaching over to squeeze his hand.

            “Okay,” Blaine took a deep breath in and pulled his hand away, crossing his arms over his chest. “I have a problem with…with being lonely.”

            Kurt frowned and bit his lip, suddenly regretting asking him to talk.

            “I used to think that if I were alone it was because no one wanted to be near me. I thought no one liked me and it led me to do some dangerous things. Through rehab and a lot of therapy I’ve learned to reach out,” A small smile tugged at his mouth. “That other people can help me and that it was okay to ask for help.”

            “Support is everything,” The girl who spoke first said with a smile.

            “You’re not kidding,” Blaine laughed.

            The group finished off with the last boy speaking before everyone was dismissed. Blaine gave Kurt a small smile before they walked out of the room and to the restaurant.

            “Sorry if I pressured you to speak,” Kurt said softly.

            “It’s fine,” Blaine shrugged. “I just didn’t want you to feel uncomfortable.”

            “I didn’t,” He sighed. “I want to hear what you have to say, good or bad. I care about you.”

            Blaine ducked his head but reached over to hold his hand as they walked into the restaurant. The host sat them in a nice table before bringing out a basket of bread.

            “So I’m curious,” Blaine said as he took a bite of bread. “Why now? Why ask me out now?”

            “Want me to be honest?” Kurt asked with a small smile.

            “Of course.”

            “I didn’t know how I felt about you. Blaine I thought I loved you more than anything but I learned that I didn’t really know who the true you was. Then you came back and I got to know you again…Blaine I really like you, this you. I mean…”

            “Who I am now?”

            “Exactly! I saw how amazing you are and how far you’ve come and I just…I really want to get to know the real you,” He felt almost shy as he finished.

            “Well, I’m really glad you asked me out,” Blaine gave him a tiny smile.

            “Me too.”

            Dinner was amazing and the conversation flowed easily. They found themselves laughing most of the time and both boys couldn’t stop smiling.

            They couldn’t stop smiling the entire walk to Blaine’s dorm.

            “I really had a great time Kurt,” Blaine said as he stood at the door to his room. “I kind of didn’t want it to end.”

            “Me neither,” Kurt looked down at his feet. “Can…is it okay if I kiss you?”

            “Yes,” Blaine said far too quickly and they both laughed. After a brief pause Blaine leaned forward and pressed their lips together for just a moment before pulling back.

            “Maybe we can try that again?” Kurt asked a little breathlessly, smiling.

            “Kurt…” Blaine sighed. “We need to take this slow. I need to take this slow. I want to go on a second date with you, if you want to?”

            “Yes,” Kurt blurted out and they both grinned.

            “So, I’ll call you later and we’ll pick a day. I’ll pick the place this time,” He smiled and unlocked his door. “Goodnight Kurt.”

            “Night Blaine,” Kurt gave him a smile and waited until the door closed before walking back home, a small skip in his step.

            He gave Rachel a wide grin when he walked into the apartment and was instantly bombarded with questions. He managed to shrug most of them off, ignoring her disappointment and changed before laying down in bed.

            He fell asleep with a smile on his face.

            As soon as the door closed Blaine leaned against it, closing his eyes. He wanted nothing more than to invite Kurt in, to go back to the same level of intimacy they were before.

            He could picture it.

            Kurt would come in. They would blush and shy away from each other for a few minutes before kissing sweetly. Then they would strip each other of their clothes and fall into bed. All night would be spent making love until they were no longer able to.

            But Blaine could still feel the hands of all those men on him.

            He took in a deep, shaky breath and pushed himself off the door. Tears welled in his eyes as he changed into pajamas and fell into bed.

            Kurt’s kiss had felt amazing. His heart had swelled and his head swam even from the short time their lips had met. But the longer he kissed and the more he thought about doing more the more panicked he got.

            He knew that Kurt didn’t expect him to put out. He knew Kurt would never pressure him into doing anything he didn’t want to do. He knew Kurt would never hurt him.

            But those other men expected it. Those other men pressured him. Those other men hurt him. 

            “Fuck,” He moaned, pressing his palms into his eyes. “Maybe I’m more messed up than I thought.”

            He took several deep breaths and pulled his blankets over himself. He was getting past this. He was working through it.

             _You don’t just work through getting raped._

            He shuddered and closed his eyes tighter.

           _Kurt doesn’t know. He wouldn’t stay._

            “He might,” He whispered out loud.

            Kurt had to know. He couldn’t keep secrets any more. This relationship deserved more than lies and deceit.

            His phone buzzed with a incoming text and he grabbed it, looking at the glowing screen.

            _From Kurt: Thank you for agreeing to come out with me. Looking forward to our next date :)_

            A small smile tugged at his lips.

           _To Kurt: I had a lot of fun! Our next date is going to be better ;)_

            He would tell Kurt what happened. He owed him that much and he was going to do everything he could to make the relationship work. What Kurt did was up to him, Blaine could only do so much.

            Finally, he fell into an exhausted sleep. 


	22. Chapter 22

          The next date didn’t happen for a week.

            Kurt’s internship picked up and Blaine’s schoolwork completely took over his life. They still managed to call every day or text and Blaine was surprised that even though they weren’t seeing each other all the time he was okay with it.

            “So, I’m thinking a nice date of Indian take out and movies,” Blaine pointed to the boxes sitting on his desk and the collection of movies sitting on his DVD player. “I wasn’t sure what you liked so I got a few things and lots and lots of naan.”

            “Yum!” Kurt stepped into the dorm room.

            “So…we can either eat on the floor or on my bed?” Blaine motioned to both.

            “Your bed’s fine,” Kurt helped him spoon out some of the food onto some small plastic plates and they sat on either end of the bed. “So how is your paper going?”

            “Ugh, it’s a nightmare,” Blaine rolled his eyes as he mixed some curry and rice together. “It’s like no matter how hard I look I still can’t find any information. And it’s English, not even my major, so I don’t like it.”

            “Guess you have to suffer through some in order to get to the good part,” Kurt grinned as Blaine shrugged.

            “But not this boring,” He whined.

            Kurt kicked him slightly and Blaine laughed around a mouthful of food.

            As soon as they were full of way too much food Blaine put in the first movie, Monsters Inc. It had been one of their go too movies when they were together and they both loved it.

            At first they just sat side by side leaning against the headboard. By the middle of the movie they had sunk down slightly and were pressed against each other. Kurt hesitated for a moment before gently rubbing his fingers along Blaine’s side.

            The other boy stiffened and glanced over but Kurt moved his fingers under his shirt to brush against warm skin.

            “Kurt,” He said quietly, grabbing his wrist.

            “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Kurt bit his lip. “Was that too fast? I should have asked.”

            “I need to tell you something.”

            Kurt nodded, pulling away to sit across from him. With a few heavy breaths Blaine pulled away, eyes tightly closed.

            “I did things when I was on drugs,” He started softly. “Things that I am really, really not proud of.”

            “You told me,” Kurt gave him a reassuring smile. “When you were going through withdrawal. You told me about the men…”

            “I don’t remember that,” He whispered.

            “It’s okay with me. You weren’t yourself.”

            “But it’s still a part of me,” Blaine looked up, hazel eyes swimming in tears. “I told you that I slept with them but not everything.”

            “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,” Kurt soothed.

            “I want to. Kurt, I want this to work,” He gripped his hands tighter. “But I have to tell you everything. I can’t have this poison in me and in this relationship.”

            “Then I’ll listen.”

            “You know how lonely I was. I went to Scandals and this guy bought me a drink. He…he told me how attractive I was and how much he wanted me and I was on my knees. That’s how it started. No one noticed me. No one saw me but these guys. I know it was the absolute worst way to do it but these men wanted me and I needed to know that.

            I let them hurt me because I wanted to be wanted. I let them hurt me because it was a distraction and it was so different from how used to…you know. Maybe because I knew you would never hurt me,” His voice was soft.

            Kurt made a soft noise.

            “Then there was Gary. It started like any other guy but he brought me to his place. He started giving me the drugs and I just needed some way to escape. So I started going to the bar completely drunk and stoned.

            There was this…this one guy…Lance. That was his name. He was this huge, older man with a beard. The complete total opposite of you. I was already in pain, I needed money for drugs and hadn’t had a hit all day so I went home with him. He…he got really rough,” His voice cracked.

            “Oh Blaine,” Kurt ran his thumb along his knuckles.

            “I undressed and he pushed me to my knees,” Tears started to run down his cheeks and his chest ached. “He…he fucked my throat until I passed out even though I tried to pull away. When I woke up he had me on the bed and was fingering me roughly. I told him to stop. I used the words stop and no but he told me that I wouldn’t have come with him if I didn’t want to. He…he raped me. I told him to stop.”

            “Blaine,” Kurt had tears in his own eyes and reached up to gently cup Blaine’s cheek.

            “Please know I wanted him to stop. I did. But then he was done and I walked out of the house with all the money in his wallet. My thoughts weren’t on going to the hospital or police they were on getting high. My first thought after being raped was getting high. I didn’t stop there, I kept going out to get drunk, high and fucked. How messed up am I to have craved the feeling?

            I keep having nightmares. Every time I think about doing something with you, and I want to, I think of what those men did to me. What I let them do to me. Hell, I was a whore. Can you really rape a whore?”

            Kurt didn’t speak and pulled him into a tight hug, blinking back his own tears as Blaine sobbed into his shirt.

            “You’re not a whore,” He gently ran a hand through Blaine’s curly hair. “You’re amazing, and caring, and kind, and beautiful. You don’t deserve what they did to you. All of those men took advantage and hurt you.”

            “But I asked for it,” He whispered.

            “Did you want it?” Kurt rubbed his back.

            “No,” He took in a shaky breath. “I just wanted to forget. I didn’t want…not that.”

            “Thank you for telling me.”

            “You don’t hate me?” His voice was soft and shaky.

            “Blaine, I’ve never hated you. Not now, not ever,” Kurt pressed a kiss to the top of his head. “I don’t think I ever could.”

            Blaine trembled faintly as Kurt held on to him and gently rocked him back and forth. He finally cried himself out and just leaned against Kurt before letting out a shaky laugh.

            “I’m the worst date planner ever,” He smiled tearfully.

            “A night of finally listening to your boyfriend isn’t that bad,” Kurt smiled and Blaine pulled back.

            “Boyfriend?”

            “If that’s what you want?” Kurt smiled.

            “I do,” Blaine leaned back and pressed their foreheads together.

            “I want you to make a promise though,” Kurt gently said. “I can’t….I can’t help you with this. I mean I can try but I can’t help as much as I want to. I want you to promise to make a standing appointment with a therapist here.”

            “Oh I already went through all that,” He shrugged.

            “But you’re still having nightmares,” Kurt reached up to run fingers through curly hair. “You still think about it all the time. You just called yourself a whore and didn’t bat an eye. It scares me Blaine, I want you to keep working on yourself. Promise?”

            “I promise,” Blaine gave him a trembling smile.

            “Good,” Kurt gave him a quick kiss. “When we first got together I wasn’t ready and you waited for me. We waited until it was right. Now, you’re not ready and I’ll wait.”

            “That was a long time ago.”

            “I don’t care how long it takes. I’ll wait for you,” Kurt kissed his forehead. “Because I want this to work. We can both make this work.”

            “I lo…”

            “Don’t,” Kurt placed his fingers over his lips and smiled gently. “Don’t say it after an incredibly emotional time. Don’t say it unless you know it for sure, until you can feel it in every part of you.”

            “Okay,” Blaine kissed his fingers.

            They sat in silence for a few long minutes, pressing their foreheads together as the title screen of Monsters Inc played on a loop in the background.

            “I wish this was easier,” Blaine sighed.

            “Me too,” Kurt shrugged. “But it’s not.”

            With a heavy sigh, Blaine pushed himself off of the bed and padded over to the little mini fridge. He pulled out a small container of tiramisu and walked back over.

            “You have dessert?” Kurt grinned.

            “Well it was either going to be shared as a celebration or I was going to eat it by myself in a pity party after you stormed out,” He chuckled softly, reclaiming his seat.

            “I’m not going to leave you,” Kurt dipped his finger in the whipped cream, smearing it on Blaine’s nose.

            Blaine laughed loudly and wiped it, eyes sparkling.

            Kurt couldn’t help but grin at the plain, obvious happiness in his eyes. It wasn’t shaded or guarded like before but pure joy. It absolutely took his breath away and made his stomach flip.


	23. Chapter 23

           Gabriel and Blaine had become fast friends during the long, boring lectures of their composition class. He had shaggy blonde hair, wide brown eyes, and a fashion sense even Kurt approved of.

            They hung out all the time to study, drink coffee, or just spend time together. At first Kurt was excited that Blaine was branching out and making friends but then he met Gabriel.

            Kurt brushed it off, refusing to show his like or dislike towards the other man but Blaine could tell that Kurt didn’t completely trust him.

            And it hurt.  

            Which is why he gave Kurt ample warning that he was going to Gabriel’s to study for their upcoming exam.

            “So here’s the apartment,” Gabriel waved him into the gigantic flat.

            “Wow,” Blaine breathed, staring around at the expensive furniture.

            “The perks of having absent parents who try to buy your love,” Gabriel quipped and dropped his bag by the couch. “Take a seat, let’s learn about chords.”

            “Oh boy,” Blaine rolled his eyes and took a seat, pulling out his textbook.

            After they had gotten through most of the material for the test Gabriel sighed loudly and leaned away from his books.

            “I’m so bored, how does a break sound?”

            “So good!” Blaine laughed and leaned back as well, stretching.

            “Great! Want a beer or something?” Gabriel pushed himself off of the couch and walked towards the kitchen.

            “Oh…no thanks.”

            “No? I have vodka, whisky and coke if you want to mix something?” He held up a few bottles and shook them with a wide grin.

            “Sorry I don’t drink,” He flushed and rubbed the back of his neck.

            “Oh I see,” Gabriel winked and walked over, sitting close to him on the couch, making their knees brush together. “I was just going to try to loosen you up before you know…loosening you up.”

            “Gabriel, I’m not…” Blaine squirmed backwards as Gabriel grinned and leaned forward, placing his hand on Blaine’s thigh.

            “But I have some other stuff if you really want to get the party started the right way,” He reached into his back pocket and pulled out a baggie.

            “Wait, what?” Blaine scrambled to his feet.

            “Baby, I’ve seen the marks on your arms,” He nodded. “And I think you’re really hot so let’s each take a hit and…”

            “No,” Blaine shook his head sharply.

            “Blaine,” Gabriel grabbed his wrist in a firm grip. “I’ve noticed you looking at me. I can see you’re a party boy.”

            He ran his fingers along the faint scars and Blaine tried to jerk his arm away.

            “Not any more.”

            “Come on hun, once a party boy always a party boy,” He waved the baggie. “Just one hit? I have a brand new needle just for you.”

            Blaine mouth went dry as he stared at the powder in the bag. It would be easy. Just one quick little needle jab and he would be right back to that happy place, back to feeling warm and safe. Kurt didn’t even have to know. Maybe Blaine would even feel comfortable enough to touch him after a hit.

            “No.”

            He took in a shuddering breath and packed up his bag, slinging it over his shoulder and quickly leaving despite Gabriel’s protests.

            As soon as he walked outside his knees went weak an he sank down on a nearby bench at a bus stop and pulled out his cell phone.

            “Hi!” Kurt’s happy voice made tears fill his eyes. “Why calling so early? Your little study date done?”

            “Kurt,” Blaine sobbed softly and Kurt’s voice instantly turned concerned.

            “Blaine? Honey are you okay?”

            “I need you to come get me,” His voice cracked in the middle and he ducked his head blinking furiously. “Please.”

            “Tell me where you are.”

            After he sobbed out the address he leaned against the bus stop until a taxi pulled up in front of him and Kurt stumbled out, wearing a coat that didn’t go at all with his pants.

            “Oh Blaine,” With a sob the younger man launched himself at his boyfriend. “Let’s get you back to your dorm. You can tell me about what happened when we get there.”

            As soon as they slid into the taxi Blaine leaned against Kurt’s side and they remained silent the entire ride home.

            “What happened?” He asked after Blaine was finally sitting on his bed, thumb running frantically over the scars on his forearm.

            “I went on a study session with Gabriel right?” He took in a shaky breath. “And…it turns out he got bored of studying…”

            Kurt went tense and clenched his jaw.

            “Nothing happened, I wouldn’t let it. Kurt, please…please believe me,” Tears shone in Blaine’s eyes as he frantically grabbed at Kurt’s hands. “I wouldn’t. Believe me.”

            “I believe you,” Kurt whispered, trying to ignore the tightness in his chest.

            “He kept offering me something to drink to loosen me up,” He shuddered at the word. “I refused and he said that he saw the scars and pulled out this bag.”

            “Blaine, you didn’t…” Kurt’s eyes were wide.

            “No,” Blaine whispered, shaking his head. “I didn’t…but I wanted to. I wanted to so bad and he kept pushing and pushing.”

            “Why didn’t you?” Kurt asked gently. “I’m so, so proud of you for not doing it but why not do it?”

            “I don’t know,” His entire body shuddered. “It would feel so good. But I just didn’t want to ruin all the hard work I did. I suffered for this and this is what I want. I want to be sober. I only have three days until I get my six month pin.”

             He bowed his head and tears spotted the bedspread.

            “Are you okay?” Kurt whispered.

            “No,” Trembling, Blaine shook his head. “I’m not okay. All I want to do is focus on the fact that you are right here with me but I can’t stop thinking about the bag. I want a hit so badly Kurt.”

            “Okay,” Kurt rolled off the bed, turning on Blaine’s iPod and put it into the iHome. “Stand up.”

            Blaine wrapped arms around his stomach as he stood. Your Song started playing softly and Kurt pulled Blaine’s hands away from the tight grip he had around himself to take his hands.

            “Dance with me.”

            Blaine’s lips quirked up in a small smile but his eyes still flickered with doubt. Slowly, Kurt managed to coax him into a slow dance and his body relaxed.

            “Just focus on this, right here, right now,” He said gently, moving closer to Blaine as they slowly spun around and around. “Just on us.”

            “Kurt,” Blaine whispered softly before leaning forward to capture his lips. His body trembled but Kurt holding him gently made him feel less like he was going to fall apart.

            “I’m here,” Kurt smiled, kissing him again.

            “I…I love you,” Blaine whispered so quietly it was hardly heard over the song. “I know you didn’t want me to say it but I know it. I know it more than I ever did before. I love you.”

            “I love you too,” Kurt grinned widely. “Love you more than anything.”

            Blaine smiled  and pressed their foreheads together, looking deeply into each other’s eyes as they continued to dance.

        _How wonderful life is, now you’re in the world_

~*~

            It was right after his voice lesson that Blaine rode up the elevator of the health department, fiddling with the strap on his bag. The elevator doors opened with a cheerful ding and he stepped out.

            In the center of the room was a long dark wood desk with the words New York University Counseling and Mental Health Center. After a moment of hesitation he walked over to the receptionist who was smiling warmly at him.

            “Hi there,” She grinned. “How can I help you?”

            “Um hi…” He scratched the back of his neck. “My name is Blaine Anderson, I have an appointment with Dr. Meredith Ward?”

            “Of course,” The receptionist tapped a few keys on the keyboard. “Take a seat Blaine, the doctor will come out to see you soon.” 


	24. Chapter 24

           Nothing special led up to one of the most important nights of their lives.

            Maybe Kurt had fantasized about them being intimate for the first time a few times…okay more than a few times.

            He pictured a fancy French restaurant. They would wear suits and share dessert before going on a long walk through Central Park. After shy touches and glances they would go back to Kurt’s empty apartment and make love all night long.

            But Blaine had been shy.

            He refused to get undressed around Kurt or do more than make out before shying away. Memories of Blaine grinning at him wickedly before suggesting something new to try in bed came easily to mind. Those memories clashed horribly with the worried, frightened looks Blaine gave him now.

            Date nights were regular and most of the time they ended up at either Blaine’s dorm or Kurt’s apartment just talking the night away.

            This night had been Kurt’s time to plan. After a quick dinner of sushi they had tried to ignore the dropping temperatures and go for a walk. Both shivered through their walk and were about to give up when thunder crashed overhead.

            “It’s not supposed to rain!” Blaine gasped from behind his scarf.

            Just as he said those words fat, freezing raindrops starting pouring from the sky. Both boys yelped at the cold and sprinted to the street, trying to wave down a taxi. They both stepped into the road and frantically waved until a taxi pulled up next to them.

            Giggling, they tumbled into the taxi as Kurt rattled off his address. Their teeth chattered and their soaked clothing clung to them uncomfortably.

            “Rachel went home for fall break,” Kurt mentioned as they climbed out of the taxi and started up the stairs to the apartment. “So we’ve got the place to ourselves.”

            “Goody,” Blaine said through chattering teeth.

            “I have some extra clothes for you,” Kurt looked through his dresser. “Ah! A shirt and pajama pants!”

            “Honestly, I think I’m going to freeze to death,” Blaine grinned slightly and Kurt could see that, just like him, he was shivering so badly it looked almost like he was going to have a fit.

            “Would a hot shower help?”

            “Oh my God, yes!”

            “Okay,” Kurt laughed. “Well, you go ahead. I can go after.”

            “Don’t be silly,” Blaine shrugged, running his fingers through his soaked curls. “I hate the idea that you’re out here freezing! We’re both…adults and we can be adult about this. Let’s just go get warmed up.”

            With a soft smile he held out his hand and Kurt took it. They both walked back to the small bathroom and after a short hesitation took off their coats.

            They laughed when Blaine’s wet shirt got stuck as he tried to pull it off and when Kurt’s numb fingers fumbled over his buttons, Blaine reached up to help.

            Blushing bright pink, they both stepped into the steaming hot water. They hesitated before finally reaching around each other to get the soap and shampoo and trading positions to get more hot water.

            Kurt took a soft cloth and poured fragrant soup onto it before gently washing Blaine’s back. The smaller man smiled back at him and rolled his shoulders, sighing. With a grin, Kurt pressed a kiss to the nape of his neck.

            His eyes followed a few track mark scars on his throat down to his arm where they littered his forearms. Blaine’s body stiffened and he glanced back, looking nervous but not pulling away.

            “It’s okay,” Kurt took both of his hands and turned him around so that the water was hitting Blaine’s back. He raised his hands and gently kissed them before kissing along the line of marks.

            Blaine’s breathing hitched and his eyes went wide as Kurt took his time kissing the marks, making sure that Blaine knew that he wasn’t going to turn away from him.

            He pulled Kurt towards him and kissed him deeply.

            For a moment they just stood there, kissing each other as the warm water cascaded down on them.

            “I’m sorry,” Kurt whispered, breaking the kiss.

            “Don’t stop,” Blaine pulled him back in for a kiss and deepened it. He moaned softly and they pressed their bodies together.

            “Can…do you think…bed?” Kurt mumbled out between kisses, grinning.

            “Yes.”

            Kurt reached around his boyfriend to turn off the water and Blaine gave him a quick grin before stepping out of the shower. After fiddling with the sticking knobs for a few moments he quickly followed him out to see Blaine standing by the bed, naked and smiling.

            Both boys let out a shriek as Kurt tackled him into the puffy comforter and they wrestled for a moment, laughing loudly before Kurt pressed eager lips onto his boyfriend’s.

            The kisses grew deeper and more passionate until they were grinding together and moaning. Blaine broke away to trail kisses down Kurt’s neck, biting slightly down on his collarbone.

            “Please can I touch you?” Kurt gasped out, arching into his touch.

            “Yes,” Blaine whimpered as Kurt’s slim fingers slid down his chest, lingering on his nipples before one surrounded his cock and the other dug lightly into the flesh of his ass.

            “What do you want Blaine? Tell…tell me what…I want to make you…I want you to enjoy this,” Kurt’s cheeks flared pink. It had been so long since the last time they were at this stage and Kurt was terrified to mess this up.

            “Shh,” Blaine giggled and kissed him a few times. “You are thinking too much.”

            “Sorry,” Kurt laughed, tickling his fingers up Blaine’s sides making him shriek and writhe. “The lube is in the bedside table. I’ll even let you prep me.”

            “Well…I kind of wanted to…”

            “Oh…I just thought that after…that after…you wouldn’t want to…”

            “I think,” Blaine sat up, scrubbing his hands over his face. “That I need to replace those memories you know? I don’t want to be scared forever. I want to be with you but maybe I can be in charge?”

            He winked and spun them around so he was straddling Kurt before leaning down and kissing him deeply. He nipped his lip and leaned forward to run his tongue along the shell of Kurt’s ear.

            “I want you to prep me though,” He smiled and leaned over to grab the lube, pressing it into Kurt’s hand.

            Kurt spread the lube over his fingers and was reassured that Blaine seemed to be trembling as much as he was. He slowly pushed his finger into Blaine and froze when the smaller man let out a sharp hiss.

            “It’s fine,” Blaine gasped out. “Please…please keep going.”

            Kurt continued to slowly pump it in and out until Blaine was grinding down slightly and leaned forward to press their lips together sweetly. His breath hitched and he whimpered as Kurt pushed another finger in.

            “Another,” Blaine whimpered, circling his hips.

            Soon Blaine was grinding down hard on his fingers making gasping sounds. With a quick jerk he pulled Kurt’s fingers out and moved to hover of his hard, leaking cock before freezing.

            “Um…” His confidence broke for a moment. “Do you want to wear a condom? I mean…I got the treatment and everything came back clean during the last test I took.”

            “I trust you,” Kurt brushed his thumb over Blaine’s cheekbone and Blaine’s eyes brightened with tears for a moment before he blinked them away.

            Slowly, he sunk down onto Kurt’s cock. Both of them moaned loudly and they just stayed there for a moment, savoring the closeness.

            Blaine face split into a wide grin and he leaned forward to kiss Kurt, gasping as he changed angles.

            “Oh Blaine…Blaine please move,” Kurt gasped out.

            “Oh honey, honey,” Blaine chuckled, slightly breathless. “I’ll take good care of you.”

            He grabbed Kurt’s wrists in both hands and pressed them into the bed, riding him fast and hard. Blaine caught his boyfriend’s lips in a kiss as he squirmed and bucked.

            “I’m not gonna last long,” Blaine whispered as he quickened his movements.

            Kurt didn’t even respond but his gasps got louder and louder until he strained against Blaine’s hold and came hard in him. With a loud shout Blaine’s back arched and he came as well, collapsing down onto Kurt’s chest.

            They both lay still for a long moment before they got uncomfortable enough to move apart. Kurt felt himself smiling brightly and when his muscles began to start working again, glanced over to see tears streaming down Blaine’s cheeks.

            “Baby? You okay?” He sat up quickly. “Oh my God, I hurt you. I hurt you!”

            “No,” Blaine shook his head quickly. “You could never hurt me.”

            “Why are you crying then?” Kurt pushed himself onto his elbow to hover over Blaine and gently wiped the tears from his cheeks.

            “It’s just…I feel like I can breathe. That since you left for New York my senior year I can finally breathe,” He let out a trembling laugh. “For over a year I thought I was going to suffocate but with you here I am actually living.”

            “So…you’re all better?” Kurt smiled slightly.

            “No. I don’t think I’ll ever be all better,” Blaine shrugged a little. “But with you here I feel like I’m finally getting as close to it as possible.”

            “But you’re happy?”

            “I am,” Blaine turned shining eyes back towards him. “I am happy.”      


End file.
